Thursday, June 25, 2009

melodramatic moment

i often have them.
times where i change one aspect of my life in my mind and think about how differently things would have turned out.
its always a huge aspect, therefore huge changes.
and it usually makes me feel unimportant cause the huge changed make my imaginary life seem so much more interesting. not necessarily happier or better but just more interesting. and i hate feeling boring.

recently ive been thinking about if i was pregnant.
cause until this morning my period was 8 days late.
and me and tom didnt use a condom.
so yeah i was about to go to the doctors for a test until i found the evidence this morning.

when i realised how late i was my first thought was obviously shit i dont want kids ever, let alone at this age.
i played out in my head the scenario of telling tom that i was with baby.
it pretty much went me seeing him at work, us meeting up on his break and me telling him. i honestly have no clue how he would react. like i knew he would freak but i dont know how he acts when he freaks. would he leave, would he cry, woud he go quiet, would he not believe me, would he deny it was his? even though i think toms great and a gentleman and a good person, hugely massive news like this would make people act different. i dont think hed be able to make a joke which would just be the worst thing ever cause tom without a joke isnt tom.
ron ron and reiss would make jokes just cause they wouldnt know what else to do.
the sarahs wouldnt know what to do either i think. i think theyd just stay with me in case i needed anything which would be all id need.
i dont know what nutter would do. i think she may laugh and thank god its not her a little behind my back cause i always tell her off for not being safe and the fact that i was safe and that tom didnt get off would just be too ironic for her not to. id probably do the same, situation reversed.
i know that i wouldnt tell my mum. she doesnt know ive had a boyfriend, or think im sexually active. imagine her shock if she found out i was pregnant from a drunken... i dont want to mistake cause i dont regret it. a drunken forgetfulness/laziness. and dad would kill tom so thats a no as well.
i wouldnt keep it. id have the sarahs with me, they would help me call the clinic and make an appointment. other sarah would drive me with sister sarah in the car as well. maybe tom if he wanted to but i doubt it. i dont think id want him there either. id hate him to feel as bad as i would. id hate him to think that it was his fault cause hey i pretty much started it. and we were safe so its nobodies fault anyways.
i dont know if tom would be okay with me going to the clinic. obviously being a father at 17 wouldnt be his ideal life but hes really close to his family so maybe he would be against it. i dont think hed tell me if he was against it, hed just want me to make the best choice for me. not like i wouldnt give him a say in it, i mean hes got half the decision here, but i think if we disagreed i would do it anyway. its my body, my life, my choice ultimately.
i dont think me and tom could be friends after it. i know toms not awkward and everything but this is a bit bigger than a drunken night together.

this is was a baby.

so yeah that was a tour along my neurosis for the last couple of days.
its strange cause until i was in the situation i was very blasé about abortion. i really didnt think of it as a big deal. i still dont see it as murder like some people do but... i dont know i think id mourn for the baby once i did it. it took me so much to write the word abortion just then.

the fact that the aspect didnt change hasnt made me feel unimportant, its made me feel grateful. grateful that i dont have to say those words, see those reactions, make that choice. very grateful.

ahh my alarms just gone off for me to take the pill.
i think thats a fitting end.

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