Oh how I hate her

Fucking Grace. Fucking Grace. Fuck.
She's been home for what, a week? And she's managed to take my necklace, discolour my ring and ruin my jeans by drawing on them with whiteout.
Fucking Grace.
I need to move out. Asap.

Ohh what's that you're back at school?

So I was working the other day and when I turned to greet someone I got the biggets shock. They were wearing a school uniform. I guess it hadn't really hit me that I didn't go to school anymore until that moment and... I couldn't be happier! Ever since I graduated I've been missing school something chronic but when I saw people in my old uniform I couldn't have been more stoaked! I know that I'll still miss parts but really I'm so much happier and so much better off now that I'm out of school.
Life is good.

Not fashionable, just more fashion

So I know the time for making New Years resolutions has well and truely passed but I have one I would like to add.
The thing is I'm not quite sure how to phrase it. I want people to like what I wear is as close as I can get to describing it, I think. I want people to compliment me, I want guys to notice what I'm wearing (because I look nice, not because my boobs or ass is hanging out), I want to feel pretty. I want to take more notice of what I wear, like other people do. I want to give myself a little bit more money to spend on clothes so that I can have nice things. That's it, I want nice things. I want to feel nice in what I'm wearing.
So before I go to uni I'm going shopping :)

Oh yeah and happy Australia Day too :) I did the typical Aussie thing, beach and Triple J Hottest 100 :)

fire tree

So tonight Jenny's daughter and her bf were playing at the Key bar. Man they are so good! Like I saw them play at our last staff party but they were on fire tonight (haha get it cause theirs the fire tree and yeah...)  It was really good to see Brad too, I've pretty much decided that he's one of my brothers. He's great :) He really likes Jess though, it was breaking my heart to see him around her tonight. I loved that the Sarahs came and it was fine :) We saw Rhody and Jesse there cause Jesse's cousin was playing and it was really awkward :( I don't like this! I don't get why it's awkward with our group! Why they seem really stand offish. I DON'T LIKE IT!
Anyways check out The Fire Tree. Do it.

rageragerage

fucking hell fucking shit fucking fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
ragerageragerageragerage!!!!!!!!
FUCK!!! SHIT!! FUCKING SHIT FUCK!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHH!!
BALLS!! FUCKING SHITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
RAGEEEEEEEE!

OMG I can't believe I haven't blogged about this!!

I GOT INTO UNI!! FOR FULL SERIOUS I GOT INTO UNI!
I GOT INTO UNI!!!!!!

I got into my first preference too!!
ARGHH I'm so stoaked!!
I stayed at Sarah Jeans the night before so that she could be with me when I got my offer in case things didn't go well. The morning comes and I go to login and... I don't have my friggen QTAC number! ARGH! So we rush to my house. I swear that my computer was being extra super dooper slow that day but eventually the website comes up. Sarah Jean was doing her makeup in my bathroom and told me to get her as soon as it comes up. It came up and... there it was! My uni offer! The one I wanted! I tried to call out "Sarah" but it sort of came out as "Saaarah...?" She came out and I couldn't even talk, I just looked her her with complete shock on my face. Then she looked at it and we both SCREAMED. Man did we scream. And hug. Ahhhh best moment this year.
We also went to see The Princess and The Frog that day. Gooooood movie :)
The next day me and Sarah Jean went down to Brisbane to see her new place and our new unis. Man I'm so jealous of where she is living with Marcus. They live no joke across the road from Carindale shopping centre. As in you walk out her door and you can see the car park. And Marcus, when he's being Good Marcus, is great. Carindale is just wow. So friggen big. No Zarraffas though :( We couldn't go into my house cause Christine works days but we did get to see the outside. It's not bad, not nice, but not bad. Good for the price I'm paying. Then we went driving to my campus. Do you remember how I said that I was going to bike to uni? Yeah that plans failed. When we were driving there we started going up one hill and I was like "It's okay, it's okay, I can handle one hill" Then we get to the top of that hill and see and even bigger hill. So we start laughing. Then we get up to the top of that hill and we see... and even bigger hill, again. FML. So yeah given up on that idea, going to take the bus. My uni, mannnnnn. Ohh it's so homey! It's like nestled in a forrest completely cut off from civilisation and it's not flashy or too modern which is just my style :) I got my ID... ugh but oh well that's the way they are meant to be, right? Then we went to Sarah Jeans campus. Hers' is bigger and flashier and newer. It's also great :) The drive from home to Brisbane wasn't actually that bad, it only took an hour and a half :) The drive home was shit, peak hour traffic :(
Maddie had her 18th brunch the other day. Twas also fun.
I really haven't got that much to say otherwise.
Arghhh Mum is raging again. She's making me clean up the bench before I leave tomorrow. We both know (or well I hope she knows) that that means they'll be transferred from the bench to my floor.
Mmmmhmmm.

I suck

So today I broke up with Brae. It was so hard. Like so hard. Waiting for him to get to the beach was like the longest hour of my life. Running over what I was going to say over and over again, freaking out, my stomach churning. When he got there I couldn't breathe properly. Thank God I had Sarah Jean there. She led the other boys away so that me and Brae could talk. I froze so badly, my speach went out the window. In fact, it broke the fucking window frame. I barely got out the point I was making; that I thought we should just be friends. I barely mentioned any of my reasons. Then we went back to everyone, he didn't talk to me and he left without saying goodbye. Then he text Sarah Jean asking why I did it then he text me saying "Did something happen last night/today?" I took that as him asking if I had cheated on him but that wasn't what he meant, he just couldn't wrap his head around it. I properly explained to him that my feelings had changed and he asked "I can't change that, can I?" My heart broke just then. This was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Me and Brae are talking now and it's okay, fairly awkward. He asked me if it was his fault and when I told him it had nothing to do with him things got better. I feel so bad though, his Mums taken the entire week off work so she can "keep an eye on him" Not only do I feel bad for making his Mum do that, not only do I feel worse, but Brae has to spend the week with his Mum. But at least we are talking!

And CJ was really nice today, he tried to cheer me up cause I was upset.
Anyways I'm gonna sleep. xx

Guess who...

has a place to live in Brisbane!! I DO!!
I'm living where Jamie used to live (I don't know if I mentioned this but Jamie has moved back home, is going to Uni here and is studying something different!). I'm so stoaked cause while moving in with a stranger wasn't going to stop me from moving to Brisbane, I feel so much safer living with somebody that is recommended. Christine is part of the womens group that Nellie goes to, and Jamie liked living with her, so that's pretty much all I need to know! Rents $140 a week, including electricity and fully furnished. Agreed the bus routes suck, like hardcore suck but oh well this is just my chance to get healthy! Haha yeah right. But there really isn't any other choice.
I could....
- walk 1 kilometer to the bus stop, catch bus number 1, walk 50 meters to the next bus stop, catch bus number 2 and then walk another 1 kilometer to the uni; approximately an hour all up.
- walk 4 kilometers to uni; approximately an hour.
- ride a bike 4 kilometers to uni; approximately half an hour.
So obviously the bus is a whole lot more effort for little gain. Except! What if it rains? That would be aweful! And I would have to carry my epic Uni textbooks. Mum said she would buy me a bike with a basket on it, which could work... except in the rain!
What I think I'm going to do is ride my bike with my Uni textbooks in the basket except on the days when it's raining , when I will catch the bus. Depending on Sarah Jean I may be able to pay for lifts cause it would only be a slight detour to go via my house and my campus to get to her Uni from her house. And I would pay her of course.
But I have a place to live! And Christine seems really nice :)
Once (not if) I get accepted I'm going to go look at my place, then move in :)
Win win win.
xx

keeping busy busy busy

So Uni Offers come out in 10 days. Eeeeeeek!! To destract myself I'm keeping busy. My theory is that the busier I am the less I'll think about it.
So tomorrow theres a BBQ at Kamaras house then hopefully me and the Sarahs are having a chill session with Rhysiepoo and co. that night.
Wednesday I might see Brae.
Thursday I'm working.
Friday I have no plans... yet.
Saturday I'm working and have Joshes going away party that night.
Sunday I'm presuming me and Sarah Jean plus maybe/hopefully Sister Sarah are hanging out.
No plans Monday.
Tuesday is Maddies 18th brunch.
Wednesday no plans.
Thursday here comes my Uni Offer!! Well if everything goes awesomely anyways.

Wish me luck.

this suck balls

I am so totally fucked with this thing with Brae. Like royally, unequivocally, unbelievably fucked. Fuck.
Kamara pretty much summed the whole situation up:
so he's:
antisocial
lazy
always bored
unwilling to try
doesnt realise you think this
and it's:
not working on your side

Me and Brae are just different. Not the right kind of different, the wrong kind. I'm social and he's not, I'm motivated and he's not, I make my own plans and he expects people to invite him places. I can't handle it! And every time we've hung out in a group he has gone off and sat by himself for like 20 minutes at a time. It's not because he's upset or he wants me to follow or anything he just wants to sit by himself. And I don't want to feel like I have to baby sit him or anything. And because he doesn't have a job he always has free time so it's sort of like whenever I have free time he wants me to be spending it with him but I have my own life! My own friends! And while I want him to be a part of it I don't want him to be my whole life. And because all his friends treat their girlfriends like they can't live without them, and they spend all their time with them, Brae must think like that as well but that's not something that I can handle.
We just don't work together.

So I'm giving it another week or so and if nothings changed then I'll break up with him. It feels aweful just writting that. Oh dear.



On an upside, I have more stuff for my journal. I couldn't find a twothousandandten thing so I brought silver glitter and I'm going to cover a piece of paper with it and make it myself :) I got ribbon too :) and a good writting pen. And just before I found heaps of photos that I want to put in it to go with something I want to write in it about. If that made sense at all?
I'm in a really creative mood, I may work on it more in a second.

Byee xx

That kind of girl

I think I deserve some kind of World Record. Some sort of title. I mean nobody else could have just done what I’ve done. I’ve just gotten over the honeymoon phase… in two weeks.
Me and B had always talked. We had always had great conversation. Conversations that made me feel like walking on clouds. They were equal, they were interesting, they were never ending, just paused while we slept or worked. When we hung out it was the same, sparks flying everywhere, feelings strong enough to make me blush. And when we kissed for the first time… oh my. Butterflies galore.
A week later I finally asked him out. It took all my courage to do. I was nervous, which was shocking, since I don’t get nervous around boys I like. I’m not that girl. I’m never that girl.
But for B I was that girl. I was the girl that jumped to get my phone in case it was a text from him. I was the girl that blushed when he paid me a compliment. I was the girl that thought about him non-stop, talked about him non-stop. I was the girl holding his hand as we walked in public, the girl that has his arms around her.
I was that girl. For a while. But it just isn’t who I am.
And now the novelty of it, the honeymoon period, it’s over. And B still likes me, loves me in fact, and I don’t.
I just don’t.
I have realised that I’m not a relationship person. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I think that I’m finally ready to be somebody’s girlfriend, no matter how convinced I am that this time I will be that girl, I just don’t do relationships.
But now me and B are involved, we are in a relationship, I am his girlfriend. And there is no easy way to tell him that my feelings have changed. There is no way to stop B getting hurt. And it’s all my fault. Because I didn’t know myself. Or I did and just hoped that I had changed.
But I haven’t changed. I am exactly the same. I am going hurt B because of who I am.
And I hate myself for it.

Hello 2010, it's very nice to meet you.

Well, well, well, how was everybodies New Years?

We drank at Sarah Jeans and made our way down to the beach in time to see Kate Miller-Heidke and the fireworks :) And I had my first New Years kiss :)
Sarah Jeans was actually really good, don't really remember all that much about it haha. But then again, that's the way that New Years is meant to be, right? It was so good to see Kate Miller, I had been in need of a dance for a very long time :) and we saw so many people there! The boys from school, Matt, Jeremey, Mark Jenny and Sarah, Tory, Joanna, creek boys and probablmore people that I've forgotten. And Sarah Jeans parents were legendary.
Work today was death though. Absolute death.


Well lets recap, shall we?
2009 was the start of the most important year of my schooling career. Everyone saw the tears, the tantrums and the triumphs. There were parts I hated like QCS and Term 3, parts I'll always miss like Swimming Carnivals, Sports Days and Cross Country and parts that I'll always remember like Formal and Graduation. At the time I hated school but now I miss it more than anything. I guess the saying "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" is actually true. I miss the people, the teachers, the structure and hell I even miss the learning. I miss everything. But also all good things must come to an end and now that it has at least I can look back at my highschool experience with a sense of fondness. Besides, I'm sure that in time I won't miss it at much... I hope anyways.
2009 was also the year of me finally getting a social life. I don't know what I would be like if Sarah Jean hadn't invited me to Adams that night. I've been out almost every weekend since then :) I became better friends with Ron Ron, Tom, Riess and the current creek boys because of it, not to mention the Sarahs. I learnt to handle my alcohol a lot better since then, thank god. Apart from going out to parties more I also went out more, just in general, and got a lot more confident because of it.
2009 was the year of the Sarahs. Goodbye to Nutter, finally. I gained so many better friends, ones that actually treat me right. I finally feel like I'm worth something. I know that I always have someone to turn to, someone to talk to, someone that will be there for me. I respect myself a lot more because of the shit with Nutter. I am a better person because of it.
2009 was a year for maturing. I had my first proper boyfriend, lost my virginity, had my heart broken for the first time and survived it all :) I made choices about my future, handled being the parent for a while and I sacrificed my present happiness in the hope for future happiness.
One year ago i decided that 2009 was going to be the year of growth. And boy did it exceed expectations :)

So now onto 2010 and what I want from it.
First of all, what this year is going to be.
2010 will be the year of accepting change.
Since, whether I like it or not, this year is going to be full of changes and it will be much easier if I can accept said changes.
2010 will also be the year of me being more creative.
I want to learn to sew so I can make things for people and myself. I want to blog better and I want to be more artsy.
And in 2010 I will save. I will save.

I think that's all for now, I'm going to start my scrapbook diary thing :)
xx