Thursday, April 30, 2009

gossip girl, you have a fan

woweee hasnt this tattler thing started something at school. for people who dont go to my school a person has started a facebook page called tattler and basically posts every single piece of gossip they hear about anyone that goes to my school. its kind of like gossip girl but its just lame cause they take themselves wayyyyyyy to seriously considering most of the stuff they post is lies. let me give you a taste of the crap they right.

*THIS JUST IN!: Some unidentified person in Year 12 MSHS is expecting and keeping it. Tattler is on the look out for another baby bump XOXO

HEARD!:Pannini seems to be searching for MR Right. Whos he got his eyes on? XOXO

HEARD!: a little boy by the name of G-reg "has been said to be sending photos of his nether regions via text." can anyone get a hold of these ? whats next a sex tape... Tattler is eager to find out more.XOXO

SPOTTED!: Is that a baby bump I see Miss KBerri? Well maybe not... YET! Hm Mrs Creed? Tattler does not like the sound of that.

SPOTTED!: 'Little A' the newest on the block hanging down the back oval with 'Bald Guy' - Jessie Sullivan... Interesting choice Little A. Can Tattler smell romance in the air? XOXO

pure and utter bullshit. well not all of it but seriously who gives a flying fuck if marks gay? and isnt it gregs business if he feels like a little sexting? gosh its so frustrating. and there was a post on there about jordyn throwing up in the bathroom with the quote "bulimia is so last year" so then i commented it saying that it was low and that they disgust me so they deleted it and said that its not their fault that low people go to my school and report it and i said that its was them that posted it so dont try to put it back on other people. gosh its ridiculous.

well that was my little bitch.

school was ok. qcs first *vommit* then maths, lunch, drama, english, lunch and legal.
maths was good, even if i did have to listen to tamika and nutter being jealous and controlling over their boyfriends. i seriously dont understand what right they think they have to tell their boyfriends who they can be friends with and where they can go. its ludicrous.
lunch was halarious. i love the boys i sit with :)
drama is always good. in a group with naomi and glen. we perform what we made up today in tomorrows lesson. and we had like a half an hour campfire about tattler :P
english was good. me and nutter laughed more and distracted people again :S
legal was good just chatting and whatnot.
then work. not good. jenny asked me if i was still with my fella and i told her the whole debacle but left out brads name. they were naturally outraged and with many hugs and kisses they told me that i deserved someone who was going to treat me right. i asked sash if she knew how brads date went and she said it went well. then i found out more about the girl. she met him in brisbane last week when he was there for training. she was with her mum and she went up to him and asked him if he would have dinner with her. he said yes. they went on saturday night and he paid. hes never taken me to dinner. i was too angry to not complain about it so i told sash and jenny that the boy that didnt deserve me was brad. they were so shocked it was funny. i thought me and brad were that close to being caught that many times but apparently we are rather sneaky. so yeah i complained to them and even though they love brad they were on my side. sash felt bad for putting her foot in it but i told her im so glad she did cause otherwise i wouldnt have found out.
got home and called maddie, kamara and sarah all of whom werent at home so i cried until fell asleep then got woken up at 9ish with a call back from sarah. after chatting and getting comforting words i got on the net, checked tattler, talked to brad and planned to see him on monday (he was in hospital last night cause he fainted at training) not to mention finding some more amazing blogs that made me feel better.
all in all an average day.
really not looking forward to going into work tomorrow. apart from my lounge room, works the most central brad place. and im always left on my own up the front so theres nobody to distract me from shit thoughts. oh well ill just have to toughen up and take it.

i sincerely apologise for how much complaining and moping theres been compared to stuff thats y'know interesting but i dont want my friends to know how much this is hurting. i dont want to be the girl who was stupid enough to fall in love with someone that everyone warned her about. i dont want to be the girl that gave everything to someone who betrayed her. but i am that girl. and i hate it.
but yes anyways once this is all done and dusted i promise ill be more cheery, less depressing and hopefully interesting.
your patience is deeply appreciated.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

boys cause headaches

as you leave me would you please close the door.
i cant handle a repeat of what happened before.
and when im broken and sore.
i dont want to be able to follow you out that door.
as you leave me would you please close the door.

a massive sleep-in.
a massive headache.
fights with mum.
is what my day consisted of.
no more word from brad or jack or luke or any other boy who seems to want to make me all girly and stupid.
i feel strangely empty without them.
which makes me girly and stupid i guess.
i admitted something to morghan yesterday when we caught the bus home. im scared of being single. i dont remember what its like to be single. to not have someone there to cheer me up. to not have someone to make me feel beautiful. to not have someone to be affectionate with. i dont even remember how to be single, how to flirt with boys and whatnot. it shall be scary once i venture back into the status of singledom. but i still think it will be better than the relationship im in. its rather detrimental to my health im thinking.
so yes i feel rather ok about everything.
which is great. it will make breaking up with brad easier to do. cause ive decided that im going to break up with brad even if he didnt cheat on me. naomi helped me decide. i was reading through my saved texts and i found one from her that was sent to me when i told her that me and brad were breaking up cause of something i did (cheated on him) and she said "i no things have been on and off with you guys and you dont deserve to be treated that way. so maybe its for the best. i know hes a nice guy but maybe just not for you" naomi never says hurtful things or things that people dont want to hear unless theres a reason to. its just taken me this long to see the reason.
well i still have the headache so im going to try to sleep it off.
wish me luck xx

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

i have...

nothing interesting to say. except that i think im addicted to blogging. hence this blog that will really not have much in it at all.
school was average, nothing really interesting happened. nut had a thread from her school shirt caught on her hip piercing that i had to cut it off (the thread, not the piercing) for her. i woke up at 3 AM this morning with chronic pain in my bottom right stitch area (?) and even after taking a pain killer it didnt really stop hurting. it was still hurting when i got up and twice throughout today i had to get iceapacks from the office cause it was hurting that bad. we dont even have ice packs we have ziplock bags with ice cubes in them. can anybody say poor school? the icepacks obviously looked funny so i got asked many times what happened. maths was good i cried from laughing with tamika :)
brad just text me. im not seeing him tomorrow. and that he'll make it up to me asap. fuck.
me and shauna talked for the first time since last term and i found out her and matt broke up. it kind of made me think of their break up being .... i dont know a premonition for me and brad. cause her and matt started dating a couple of months before me and brad. then we found out a couple of months ago that we were both still virgins. then like a week after me and brad had sex shauna came up to me with a cheeky smile on her face and said "me and matt did it!" i was like "me and brad did too!!" and shauna broke up with matt cause he thought he might maybe like another girl.
seeing the pattern im seeing?
so yes maybe thats whats going to happen with me and brad. whenever we meet up that is.
ohhhh and jack talked to me. joy. he only asked if me and brad sorted it out. when i told him we hadnt yet he said ok im going to bed. i hate all men.
me and sarah went to the plaza for zarraffas after school :) it was soooooo good to be able to afford it again.
so yes as i said this blog is full of nothing.
cause brad is taking up literally every spare area in my brain, every stray thought, every moment of my day. gahhhhhhh i just wish i knew, one way or the other. this is killing me.
this picture made me feel like instantly better. i think im going to make one of them tomorrow and put it in my room.

even though i hate not knowing if brad cheated on me and we're going to break up if he did i still feel really... stable i guess is the best way to put it. i know im going to be hurt, i reckon ill probably cry but i think that after that i should be ok. i can accept that things dont always work.
well now my scratch has been itched im going to bed
chat later xx

Monday, April 27, 2009

im the captain of this ship and i say we head for that reef

i am self-destructive.

today i woke up and i actually felt physically sick from the whole brad debacle. i got ready for school (for further, less self-pitying information on how school went, skip to the bottom) and when our bus finally got there i told nutter almost straight away that brad had a date on saturday night. in front of whoever could hear. mistake one. then in my spare i talked to zack, who is friends with nails and also knows brad, about the whole situation. while i was only telling him cause i had no one else to tell, i should have just waited. mistake two. then in film me and zack talked more about brad where i actually voiced that if he has cheated on me then im going to dump him. mistake three. and we didnt talk quietly, we yelled to each other from other sides of the room. mistake four. then on the bus home i told kiwi zack (who is friends with nails) about the brad thing and the breaking up thing. mistakes five and six. once i got on myspace i changed my status about every hour, making sure it had some subtle reference to the whole everything. they slowly got less and less subtle until i wrote this "i thought it was a love story but you dont want to get involved. i thought it was a love story but you're not ready for that." and my mood was "me neither" mistake seven. but at least i had a smiley-face for my emoticon. and its a funny song so my thought was that if brad read something into it thats what i would say. then jack commented me saying "boy problems?" and i actually told him my problems!!! mistake eight. then he said sweet stuff about how if he would cheat on me then he doesnt deserve me but he still hoped that we worked it out. after a couple more messages this happened:
jack - well at least if you and your bf do end it, we could catch up on old times without feeling bad :)
me - sounds like a plan :) even if me and him dont end it we could still catch up but like just catching up... if you get what i mean cause i hope im semi kind of making sense?
jack - yea i think you mean like if you dont break up... we can catch up but not get sexual. and if you do break up with him then we can catch up... and dont have to get sexual but the opportunity is open. is that what you mean?
me - haha exactly. i didnt wanna say it like that in case it sounded trashy or something :)
jack - how does that sound trashy :S. would you want to do anything if you didnt have a boyfriend? :)
me - haha lets see how things go :)
mistake nine.
then brad finally came online. and we talked. i was basically trying to ask him questions that either A. would lead to him admitting he went on a date on saturday night or B. finding out that he just hung out with someone on saturday night. i started with "get up to anything on the weekend?" no luck there so i tried to bring up that he suddenly signed off the net on saturday, leaving me "you ditched me on the net on saturday night!!! gosh haha" then he said "what? saturday night?" and i said "yeah we were talking then you suddenly signed off" and he said "ohhh sorry babe i dont even remember" then i gave up. then we went back to talking, planned to go to the beach on wednesday and i flirted with him. mistake ten.

FYI bec, if you're planning to break up with someone dont flirt with them. mixed signals suck.
and its so frustrating cause now hes suddenly being all nice and boyfriendy again. and i wanted to break up with him while he was being shit so i wasnt doing it while he was being amazing. now im thinking i should wait but i dont want to have to have to stand around while he becomes shit again and then break up with him. i was all geared-up to do it this wednesday and now everything is complicated.
i hate complicated. i want simple.

enough of my whinging. its all my fault anyways.

so first day of semester one, term, year 12 today.
i got ready on time, which i was rather stoaked with myself for. then the school bus was like 20 minutes last (grrrrrrr) so we got to school late. i had a spare first so i chatted to zack in the library until mrs halfman kicked me out cause i was distracting him. whore. so i went and found hume, borrowed the film room keys and got our notes off the board. then i was out of things to do since none of my teachers were there so i wrote a note of what i would like to say to brad if he has cheated on me. then i saw david for about a second then it was off to 2nd session.
drama. good to be back. i bitched to naomi about brad while we wrote out the notes we had missed (she left school early on friday cause of a migraine) and then me, her and alex were in group for a brecht thingo. we had to make a presentation that went for a minute max that was around a slogan that was created from information we read about poverty in third-world countries. and we had to use brechtian techniques. we came up with two slogans, "we care!!!!" and "sucks to be you" but after consideration we chose the first one :) then we had an acrostic poem that alex read while me and naomi acted it out.
W - water that is dirty
E - electricity

C - children
R - regularly skipping meals
E - exclusive

then we jumped into a news report where i was the camera man and camera, naomi was the line cue and alex was the news reader. after reading a few quotes we sung the news theme while getting a piece of paper each that had WE (me) CARE (alex) !!!! (naomi)
i was also meant to find out my marks from last term but i forgot.
then lunch where me sarah chilled and chatted about breaking up with brad. went to the tuckshop to get soft food. we went to see scotty but he wasnt with his group. we went back to our group and then the other sarah joined us so we went to the tuckshop again. then we chatted about saturday night for sarah. she went with the mountain creek boys to maxes party that me and the other sarah were invited to but couldnt go to. she got very blind and flirted with both camille and luke and when luke kissed her camille got all quiet and cut. so sarah feels bad. another stupid thing on my behalf is that i actually felt jealous!!! what the hell!!! i cant feel jealous i helped get them together!! and i have no claim to him cause i have a boyfriend and cause i didnt mention that i semi have feelings for luke. stupid stupid bec. but i didnt let it show im pretty sure.
3rd was film which i almost fell asleep in that many times. im not sure but i think its the freezing aircon in the film room that always makes me drowsy. was pretty much a non-event.
4th was form, which was almost always have parade in, like today. along with all the boring administration stuff most weeks we have people from different professions come and talk to us about their job, how they got into it, the ups and downs and everything else they can think of. usually its pretty bad cause our school (being a public school) has the impression that most of us arent going to uni so we have plumbers, receptionists, car salesmen etc. most weeks. this week was actually decent cause we had a lady talk to us from USC, telling us about the uni, the courses, how its different to high school, living on campus, deferring and everything else. when it was question time people that asked good questions got a stress ball so after racking my brains for a bit i found one, asked it and got a ball :) yay! when the parade was over i picked up a booklet with undergraduate courses and a booklet about financial help for uni. so yes it was actually worth going to form for once :) then i went to my form class (legal) for the last 10 minutes of the lesson and chatted to my teacher about stuff id missed, how i was feeling and what i got for my legal exam last term. B/B+ yewwwwww.
then little break, tuckshop again. sarah mentioned that she thinks that me, sarah and sarah are becoming distant from the group. i think shes probably right and i know this makes me sound like the biggest bitch in the world but i cant think on how to fix that when ive got everything else on my mind at the moment. hopefully after wednesday things will slow down and i can have a good think.
then english and it was actually really good compared to how english normally is. i had to go get a book from the textbook resource centre cause we need to read a novel for our assessment this term. nutter told the teacher she had to go to the bathroom and she came with me. i left the room first and cause i was talking to nutter as i was walking out the door i didnt see the chair in front of me until i completely ran into it and majorly stacked it. brock saw it and laughed at me :) so i laughed and actually wasnt the slightest bit embarrassed :) which is fantastic. me and nut went and got my book. i had to get this shit book, the crucible, cause it was either that or the tru-man show that was left. we went back to class and i spent the rest of the lesson laughing with nutter which was pissing off zack and probably everyone else in the room, reading the undergraduate courses booklet, talking with sarah each time mrs oconnor left the room and laughing eveytime that mrs oconnor came back in the room cause shed tell sarah off for talking but she didnt tell me off even once.
then the bus ride home i sat with kiwi zack and chatted with him, aimee and morghan. twas good fun. i love busses :)
when me and grace got home we got changed and went bed shopping with mum. i found the nicest, comfiest bed but grace didnt like any that we could afford :( mum wants to buy them at the same time so im not getting my bed any time soon :(:(
and then i just came home and got on the net where the myspace happenings mentioned above occurred.

well its 12:03 AM and ive got to be up at 5:30 AM so ill leave it there
night blog xx

Sunday, April 26, 2009

heres how my day went...

i got into work.
worked for half an hour with sash then jess started.
worked up the front with jess.
sash came up to the front.
sash "guess what?"
me and jess "what?"
sash "brad had a date last night"
jess "what???"
sash "yeah cause we worked together yesterday and when he finished he said i have a hot date tonight. and i said really and he said yea with a really pretty girl."
me "really?"
sash "yea he was really cute, he was like nervous, like first date jitters"
and right about there my heart broke.

jess, bent, sarah, danni, maddie and the other sarah all tried to make me feel good.
i still feel shit.
and i wanted to talk to him to ask him how last night went. but hes out at the surf club so we cant talk.
fuck men.
fuck people.
fuck everything.

and while i know that i cheated on him i resisted it, i was drunk and i told him to his face.
brad however wanted to cheat on me, he planned to cheat on me and he didnt tell me.
fuck brad.

and now im stuck wondering if this was the first time or if there were other dates, other girls. if everytime we couldnt meet up was it cause he was with another girl. if he talked about me to the other girl/s. if the reason why he was so fine with me cheating on him was cause he was cheating on me. and if he felt bad about it.
and i really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. but its not like theres much to his side. and this way if he has cheated on me no more illusions are being shattered.

thats been whats in my head for the past ohhh roughly 10 hours.
i hate everything.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

money money money

yes i actually have money!! or i will have by thursday (pay day :D) for the massive three shifts i worked last weekend and the one i have tomorrow.

8.5 x 9.75

8.0 x 9.75

3.0 x 19.5

+ 6.0 x 19.5




+ 117.0____


yes siree a whole $335 dollars :) so now im all cashed up and ready to hit the town. but what to do with all this money?

i figure if i make a list i might actually stick to it which means i hypothetically could have some money left over for a rainy day.

first of all i want to pay back my debts

luke - $20

sarah - $20

brad - movie

riley - movie

i also owe mum like $200 but i dont want to pay that back

total = $80

and birthday presents

sarah - roughly $20

sarah - roughly $30

nutter - roughly $40

total = $80

then things i need

winter clothes - $30 - $50

phone money - $50

total = $80-$100

complete total = $240 - $260

so at worst i have $75 left all to myself. and at best $95 :) so really not too bad at all. im thinking i should save abit for my next phone bill cause knowing me ill go over my limit. and ill need alcohol since its lukes 18th in a couple of weeks which will be awesome :) and i want a new ipod. to be specific i want a $120 GB ipod classic (valued at $339).

they're pretty huh?

so if i didnt owe people money and if all my friends were jehovah's witness and if my parents paid for my necessities i would have been able to afford it.
oh well, a girl can dream...
i think it could almost be put under the category of things i need since...
1. my ipod is ancient, like 5 years old.
2. my ipod is only 4 GB and its completely full of music that i always listen to.
3. my ipod cant play videos.
enough said i think :)

well now im off to watch saw v and sexdrive and another movie that mum got.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

the report card

ahhhh report card time, one of the most stressful times of the term.
well at least the school is nice enough to wait til after the holidays to get us in trouble from our parents.

so heres the low down
english - B
maths a - C
legal studies - C
drama - C
film and television - B

all in all pretty average.
english is always a B regardless of how much work i put in.
maths i was happy with considering i put about 2 days of actual study into it.
legal studies im actually a little concerned about cause i knew i got a C+/B- on my assignment but i thought id done really well on the exam but considering that i guess not.
drama was a shocker. i was so proud of our performance and all the effort and work we put into it and to come out with a C leaves me confused.
film and television was expected. i got an A for the proposal but i knew my film was bad.
i shall have to have a chat to my teachers when i finally get back to school.

at least my report card wasnt as bad as graces. jeeeeeesus she did shocking. she passed english. thats it. i dont understand how you can fail in grade 8!! on my first report card of high school i had 6 As. not only did she only pass english, she got Es!! it just blows my mind.
and she goes on about how she put the work in, that she cant help it if she isnt smart, that if she didnt understand the work she asked the teachers but that still didnt help and heaps more excuses. but like if you look at her effort and behavior marks (which i got mostly As in during grade 8) shes getting Ds and Es so you cant really believe her.
she is definitely the m.q* of my grade. and is embarrassing. especially since two of my friends sisters are in graces grade. i hate her being connected to me cause she just disgusts me so much. like i hope shes just going through a stage but i dont want to be related to her while shes becoming herself. theres also the chance that this isnt a stage and that the way she is is who she is. i really hope not but its a possibility.

i guess i should probably give you an update on my mouth since i havent said anything about it since the day i came home from hospital.
well the day i came home (monday) it wasnt too bad. the anesthetic hadnt worn off yet so there was no pain but alot of dribbling and mumbling. i had to take a couple of panadol and half a pain killer when i went to bed just so sleeping was comfortable.
tuesday wasnt that bad it was hurting now but it was no where near what i expected. i spent the whole day on the couch with an ice-sock on for 20 minutes, then off for 20 minutes and panadol every 4 hours. when i went to bed i had to take half a pain killer cause it was throbbing abit. brushing my teeth was the worst thing, i accidentally bumped my mouth that many times it wasnt funny.
wednesday has been my worst day yet. i didnt want to eat cause it hurt that bad and even the ice-sock wasnt relieving it. i had to call mum around 12 and ask if i could take another half of a pain killer. so i slept through the rest of the day. when i woke up for dinner it was horrible but i got through it and went to bed early. my face was the most swollen it had been on wednesday as well.
today is no where near as bad as yesterday but i still had to have panadol and the ice-sock on my face all day so i wont be going to school tomorrow :(
i dont think people could really handle my fat-face yet anyway :P or my uhhhh special way of eating. lets just say its not the nicest thing to watch. and talking still hurts and im not really understandable.
so yea no school yet :(
ohhh and when i find my camera ill take a picture of my ice-sock. and a picture of me in it :) its something ill tell you that :)

theres a gathering at sarahs tomorrow night and i really want to go but if i cant go to school then i probably shouldnt be going anywhere. but i really want to go!! and brad should be invited and it would be fantastic to see him and to have him meet everyone. and seeing everyone would be great. i miss people.

well yesh thats all :)

*m.q are the initials of someone in my grade who doesnt come to school and if she does she doesnt do her work, wears bad make-up and ill-fitting clothes, she drinks and does drugs every weekend, she sleeps around, she used to turn up to school high or drunk, she thinks she is the greatest person around and that everyone wants to be her. basically i hate her and i can see grace becoming her.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

more soap for thought

first house now neighbours, when will this bombardment of thought-provoking speeches end!!
so yes neighbours gave me more than i bargained for today. there was a break-up or something and one of the people said dont break up just cause its the easy way out, make sure you're doing it cause its not working anymore. or words to that effect. which lead me to re-read what i wrote last night and try to figure out my mess of a love life.
heres what i know:

- i love brad
- i dont think that i will be able to get over brad for a very long time
- brad treats me right sometimes
- brad doesnt treat me right sometimes
- brad doesnt want to meet my friends
- its hard to see each other
- ive never felt this way about anyone else
- i want to be single sometimes
- i like being in a relationship
- brad doesnt trust me around guys
- i cheated on brad so thats understandable
- i miss brad when hes not around
- i dont want to loose my first boyfriend, love etc
- there have been heaps of "moments" between me and brad that i love thinking about
- breaking up with brad would cause loss of these moments
- brad gets jealous easy
- i can talk to brad about anything
- working and staff parties with brad would be bad if we broke up
- neither of our parents agree with us dating
- work doesnt agree with us dating
- people in general dont agree with us dating
- if i dated someone my age it might be easier
- if i break up with brad i probably wont date someone else until after schoolies
- i cant imagine not liking brad
- i dont want to break up with brad
- im worried that if i tried to break up with brad i would "get wooed" as sarah puts it
- i dont want to break up with him and then want him back
- i knew that it was going to be hard dating him before i asked him out
- he took me back after i cheated on him
- ive tried getting over him before and it hasnt worked
- it would be easier if we were the same age
- dating brad is hard

thats everything
every feeling i have about me and brad
now ive just got to decide which feelings are the most important
my deciding starts tonight
i will be decided soon
hopefully before i see brad next
thanks for letting me spill my guts :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

i cant say..

what i feel to your face.
but i need to get it out cause its killing me.
so here it is, everything i cant say.

you make me feel like im all you need...
you make my heart beat faster...
you are the easiest person to talk to...
you help me feel better when im feeling low...
you dont make me feel little...
you make me feel beautiful...
you want to know how im feeling...
you want to know how my day was...
you dont make me feel bad about my mistakes...
you love me...
but only somtimes.

you dont make me feel good...
you get angry at me for something that i couldnt help...
you jump to the wrong conclusion...
you hate being corrected about your conclusions...
you make me feel like i should be appologising for things i didnt do...
you never see my side...
you dont trust me...
you wont meet my friends...
you dont start our conversations...
you dont love me...
but only sometimes.

this back and forth, this indecision, this uncertainty is killing me. i dont know if i can hold us together anymore. i dont think i should have to.
im not giving up; im moving on.
i love you but i just cant do this anymore.

if only i could say this to your face.


well once i get back to school ill be in year 12 second term and its bound to be a bitch so ive made a list of things that will hopefully get me through it. so here it is.

1. morning routine.
ive come up with a routine for when i get up for school that will get me in the mood for school and learning and being awake and not stressing. here it is:
- shower; 10 minutes
- up-beat, happy, dancing music; 20 minutes
- uniform; 2 minutes
- blow dry my hair; 10 minutes
- a form of exercise (whatever im in the mood for); 5 minutes
- breakfast; 10 minutes
- brush hair and teeth; 10 minutes
- make up; 10 minutes
- pack bag; 5 minutes
- socks, shoes; 3 minutes

no doubt this will be adjusted once its been tested :)
but yea im thinking having a set routine will get me to the bus on time therefore not rushing about, making me stress. the music should put me in a great mood since i have great music and the exercising releases endorphins which make me happy :)

2. join the library.
reading takes me into another world, away from all the mess and whatnot. which therefore involves me joining the library which ive been meaning to do for a while now. i already have a list of books that i want to read:
- the book thief
- the orphanage
- on the jellicoe road
- the day after tomorrow series
- as she climbed across the table
- trix
- voyage to the end of the room
- look at me
- martha peake
- something, maybe
- marcelo in the real world
- annie john
- the bell jar
- beloved
- the boy in the striped pajamas
- boy meets boy
- breakfast at tiffanys
- catalyst
- a certain slant of light
- a child called "it"
- the colour purple
- elsewhere
- flowers for algernon
- the geography of girlhood
- the girls
- the host
- i am the cheese
- if you come softly
- just in case
- keeping the moon
- the kite runner
- letters to a bullied girl
- lush
- me talk pretty one day
- memoirs of a teenage amnesiac
- memoirs of a geisha
- the memory keepers daughter
- one flew over the cuckoos nest
- perfect
- the perks of being a wallflower
- the rest of her life
- running with scissors
- so b. it
- thirteen reasons why
- the kite runner
- to kill a mockingbird
- we need to talk about kevin
- when crickets cry
- wintergirls
- you maybe

as you can see i have been working on this list for ages :)

3. op shops.
op shopping is great :) its cheap and i feel good giving money to charities and you find one off things. i just need to find a buddy to go with cause everything is improved with company :)

4. making things.
i love making things :) its like an extension of my mind :) and normally i only make things for people so then i get stressed and disappointed if it doesnt work out so im going to make things just cause i can that way i wont get sad if it doesnt turn out great. and this way theres no time limit and some of the things might actually turn out good :) which i could then give to people which also makes me feel good :)

5. live music.
live music is great. well duhhhh right. but i dont really go to many concerts. and i always feel exhilarated after them so i figure the more i go to them greater i feel :)

well thats what ive got so far anyways.
i may come up wtih more as time goes on.

Monday, April 20, 2009


today was the day that i lost my wisdom
wisdom teeth that is :)

another early start (7:30) but it wasnt as bad. i felt fairly nervous but its more that i dont like hospitals and since i was going under i was worried i wouldnt come back up. but i did :)
when i got there i had to chill in the waiting room. i so wish id brought my camera, hospitals are such interesting places with interesting people. though i doubt they would have turned out well i was shit scared. they were ready for me at eight. i got weighed *sigh* and got asked lots of questions about medical stuff. once that was all done i got a hospital bracelet (that i could keep) and numbing cream on the back of my hands so that it wouldnt hurt when he put the IV in. then i had to hang around for around an hour before they were ready for me to get ready to go into surgery. the lady took me to a room. well i use the term room loosely since it only had one wall and the rest were curtains. then i had to get changed into one of those hospital gowns which are ridiculous. i have never felt more exposed in my life, not being able to wear anything except my under ware. thats right i couldnt even wear a bra!! then i hopped into bed and the lady came back and asked me more medical stuff and set up my heater blanket. these heater blankets are fantastic they get a tube and clip it into the hole and the tube pumps warm air into the blanket :) then mum came in and she was more nervous than me haha. the dr young came in and ran through everything with me. i really didnt want to hear what was going to happen but he told me anyway :/
it would have been around 10 when two nurses put the arms up on the side of the bed and wheeled me away. it actually looks like in the movies if you stare at the lights going above you :) they wheeled me into another room where i got to chill for a bit while this rude nurse put sticker things on my body which she hooked up to wires. very sci-fi right? then dr young came in and put the IV in my arm :/ it hurt so bad, he had to put a needle in my arm that a tube could fit through then he put the tube in :( not good. he put the happy juice in my hand and then i pretty much instantly passed out.
i woke up in the recovery ward around 12 with my mouth packed with gauze, the IV still in my arm with the ladies smiling me from the desk. i chilled there, drifting in and out of consciousness for about half an hour. then they brough me my clothes, drew the curtains and let me struggle with my clothes in private. once i was finally dressed they moved me to another room, took my OBs and gave me an icypole and apple juice. eating the icy pole was probably the scariest part of the whole thing. i licked it and it was covered in blood. i thought i was bleeding but it turns out that it was just dried blood. it was gross eating the red lemmonade icypole. i managed to drool all over myself but the nurses didnt mind :) then mum came and got me and we went home. then i watched movies and slept.
eating is halarious i dribble everywhere and i cant figure out if im biting the food or myself :) talking is great as well i sound like a down syndrome child :)
ohhh and maddie stopped by :) i offically love her she made me a card and wrote me a note and gave me my christmas present from last year. she made me a calendar with our picture on it :) shes my favourite i tried talking to her and we just ended up laughing. her card said "dude you still have your wisdom" she made my day.
and then me and brad fought through myspace status *rolls eyes* i changed my status when i saw him come online cause i wanted him to be the one that started a conversation and he changed his to "tried to talk to you all day n even now i dont get an answer" and his mood was "ova trying" my phone was out of service cause i was in the hospital so that means i dont get messages or calls. and its not like he tried to talk to me either. and he hasnt tried. so yea that put a damper on today but oh well things will work out. they have to.

photos shall be up if theres actually something to take photos of cause at the moment i jus look alittle puffy.

well im serverely tired and starting to hurt so im going to get some food, have half a pain killer and go to bed
nighty night

Sunday, April 19, 2009

social butterfly

yes thats what i have been over the past few days.
i went to rileys for a couple of hours but it was shit so I got a ride home with ricky and haden via maccas :) yumm mcflurry :) so then i went home and slept.
work on friday was fantastic except from having to break my pattern of sleeping in til the afternoon everyday. i dont think an 8 o’clock wake up has ever been so hard. i got to work just in time (as per usual) and discovered that i was working with jess, chloe, nic and fiona. turns out i got my days wrong and sash and jenny don’t work saturdays and sundays, they actually don’t work fridays or saturdays :( but still i was stoaked to be working with jess and chloe cause they are my favourites as well :) so many funny things happened i dont even know where to start. the door incident is probably what caused everything else. just as nic and fiona came off break and jess went on hers nic came up to me and chloe and asked if we had seen any younger kids in the shop since her and fiona had gone on her break. we had a kids shoe sale on that day but we hadnt seen many kids in a while which is what we told nic. she then led us out to the back room and showed us the side of the door that faces out onto the alley to the car park. it had hideous graffiti on it; some obscene tag and a really shit drawing of a boy with a hat on. vommit. they could have at least done interesting graffiti goshhhh.
so yes that all got reported to the police and whatnot. if they ever catch them i would shake their hand cause their graffiti caused what happened after that. so once jess finished her break me and chloe went on ours. I went over to the plaza, paid my $180 phone bill :S then bumped into maddie who told me one of the greatest things ever; she got a phone!!! omg!! for people who dont know maddie shes my age and her parents wouldn’t let her get a phone. but she won one in one of those vending machine stack-em games!! nobody ever wins on those things and she won the one thing she actually needed!!!! so stoaked. anyways ill stop going off target and get back to the point. after talking to maddie for a bit i left to get food for lunch and bumped into zack and we chatted for a bit. then i finally got back to work and went to the back room. chloe was in there and i went to open the door but jim (our area manager) was on the other side, spraying graffiti cleaner on it so we couldnt have it open. i sat down next to the door and could instantly smell the cleaning stuff which made me a bit light-headed. after that everything that was slightly funny was immensely funny to me. i couldnt stop myself laughing once i was going. it was awesome :) like when chloe was trying to get someones yoghurt into the fridge it wouldnt shut properly so after trying to slam it shut several times she opened the fridge and the piece of fridge that holds the stuff in the door in place fell off and everything that was there rolled all over the floor. this sent me into hysterical bouts of laughter, rolling on the floor, holding my stomach. then nic came in cause she could hear me and after looking at the scene laid out before her she shook her head and went to leave. as she shut the door to the back room a stray orange had made its way to in between the door frame and the door causing an orange explosion when nic attempted to shut the door. making me laugh even harder :) then about 10 minutes later jim stopped cleaning the door and poked his head inside and said “i think i made it worse” he swung the door in-wards and what used to be two separate and medium sized pieces of graffiti had turned into one huge grey blob. this caused me to laugh for another 10 minutes :) it pretty much went down from there. jim went over to the plaza and brought me a coffee even though id already had one on my break. me and jess found jumpers with a ‘touch me’ sticker on them which we wore :) until jim made us take them off :( and plenty more halarious happenings (?) basically it was a great shift.
ohh and brad called work (cause we work together) and i answered the phone and once i knew it was him i got flustered and couldnt actually think *blush* schoolgirl much haha.

then dad picked me up cause its his weekend and we got out stuff from mums and went to his house. when we got to his house there was a woman sitting on our couch. she got up, hugged me while saying “gosh it must have been five years since ive seen you” me, her, dad and grace then chatted for about half an hour before i called naomi and maddie then when i came back out she gave me a present. its this really nice necklace (which she made) and showed me pictures of people she knew then one of my nan and then one of her memorial plaque. we then chatted for a bit more. then i went to my room and read for a bit before going to sleep. AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS WOMAN IS!!

saturday at work was chloes birthday so i came in extra early (8:30) and decked out the backroom with streamers and whatnot. then chloe came and even though she pretended to be angry i knew she was pleased :) then into our work and i dont know what nic was thinking cause the jobs that were meant to take me and chloe 2 hours took us 4 :S sarah visited me at work to invite me to alistairs birthday but i was already going to naomis so i couldnt. then i hopped in the car and dad took me to nomys. the woman that was at dads house was in the car and even after chatting with her for the entire car ride i have no idea who she is. naomis was brilliant as per usual. we made hot fun buns (hot cross buns, naomi and bec style) from scratch which actually turned out good :) and we played singstar which is the best with her. funny moments include…
- laying your legs up
- naomi laying on her knee
- nuggetty man
- taking 2 hours to make the fun buns
- dividing the dough into thirds then fifths instead of just 15 pieces
- creamy yeast
- yeast infections in naomis eye and hair

- 2 and 1/2 cups instead of 1/2 a cup
- washing up the vommit bowels
- naomis hairband/bed hair
and many more :)

today we had fun buns for breakfast, amber and rowan dropped by and we laid our legs up :)
then i got ready for work. i got to work at 12 and found out that i didnt start until one so i walked around the plaza for an hour. there was a perfume stall that i looked at and the man gave me a sample of the nicest perfume. my wrist smells so good :) he said to me “a pretty perfume for a pretty girl” :) then work which was good. i finally got to work with sash which was great :) when i saw jess she came up and gave me an intense hug and apologised over and over again for yelling at me at the end of my shift yesterday. i deserved it which is what I told her and she just kept on apologising :) shes a cutie. then there were these stupid people at the very end of the day. they came up to the door and when it didnt open they knocked on the door. i told them through the door that we are closed and went back to whatever i was doing. they then pushed the automatic doors open and walked in. when you push the doors they break so jess started telling them off for touching the doors and they said “oh we didn’t touch the doors” bullshit. I told them that we were closed (again) and they said “oh well we’ll be quick then” 10 minutes later they finally brought their stuff up to the counter. I hate those people!!
then i went home.

now you’re up to date :)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

death and whatnot

*** i wrote this on thursday and hit post but it didnt post :( ***
so this morning i woke up with my mother telling me that her and grace are going over to gabrielle's house (family friend) for lunch and they will be back later. after almost going back to sleep my brain actually processed the information and i asked from my room when they expected to be back. 4 was the answer. my semi functioning brain made probably one of the best plans ive ever had. brad can come over! so then i text brad (naughty bec, not meant to be using your phone) asking if he wasnt busy and wanted to come over (i may have fallen back asleep before this :P). he wasnt busy but he could only come over for an hour :( but still an hour is better than nothing :) so once my family left i got ready and waited for brad. brad came over and we chilled for an hour before he had to go. then we kissed goodbye, actually no wait i dont like goodbye, we kissed see you later and he left. then i looked up some more photos, watched the oc, claimed two shifts from work (hell yeah!) and took some sunset photos but they didnt turn out so im not going to bother putting them up. i think im going to have to consider investing in some serious photo-editing programs if i want to get anywhere with my photos. which now may be possibe considering my two full-day shifts :) im so stoaked to be working and i get to work with sash and jenny tomorrow who i havent seen in yonks. and i can put my party idea to nic. yay yay yay im so excited.

me and brad talked more about his person who died. it was our friend toms dad :( im so sorry tom. R.I.P mr.w
this lead me down the thought path of death and what comes after that. i have a couple of theories, and even though its completely pointless to think about it since i wont know for what i hope is a long time, i still want to talk about them

well i believe in god but only the heaven part. i know that sounds really rude buts i think its more the point that i know the bare minumum about heaven and even less about everything else. so yeah theres the whole heaven aspect if you repent for your sins then you can go to heaven and have a fantastic after-life.

i find the idea that there is absoulutely nothing after death to be strangely comforting. that everything we do here is as important as its gets, that our actions are all that matters. most people think that its strange.

alright well i know this is lame but i love the ending to titanic when rose died and shes in the happiest moment of her life and she gets to relive that over and over and over again forever and ever. that would be nice.

well where-ever mr.w ends up i hope hes happy.

thats all

no thought makes thought

so watching house tonight had the opposite effect than usual and actually put my head into gear.
so there was this girl right and she had been raped, caught an std and we later found out she was pregnant to top it all off. so she was pretty messed up right. but she said something that got me a-thinking.
life is just a series of rooms and the people we’re stuck in the rooms with decide what we made of our lives
...or something like that.
i like the part about the rooms. cause it really is. whenever someone is telling a story or asking about an event where is always mentioned. and in every memory its not like you see whats happening and not where you are. and the second part ive always been a big believer that its the people not the event that make a memory. and more than that if no-one thinks you're a good person you arent going to be able to think you are one. but as soon as someone tells you that you've done something good, something worthwhile, something nice theres that warm, rushing feeling from your stomach to your smile. if we didnt have people we wouldnt be remembered and then therefore everything we do is pointless anyways. and nobody wants to be nothing.

this leads me to talk about the question ive been asked every day for the last 4 months (not exaggerating... much) "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
i hate this question. i hate this question more than anything ive ever been asked, told, done, said or witness. ok well maybe not that much but its up there.
i hate this question so much for several reasons. this first one is the obvious one, i dont know. its not on for a year 12 student to not know. secondly because it implies that i will only be one thing forever. this also stems from me not knowing what i want to do because forever is a long time and it would be annoying to make the wrong choice. and lastly the school always rambles on about how they treat us like young adults and its time to act mature, responsible etc etc etc but its hard to choose what we want to be when we grow up if we're already apparently grown up. and im so not ready to grow up.
besides its not like i dont have a plan. i have plenty of plans i just have to decide on one.
heres a few.

take a gap year n work so that i can get money to go to uni and study either massage/therapeutic remedies, radio presenting, journalism, language, acting or something to do with making movies/film work.

then after my four year course (or more depending which course i do) i go for the job i chose.
get job i desire and work at it.
i obviously cant go further than that cause i might want to change what i want to do or i might be perfectly happy

dont take a gap year.
rest as above.

take one of those short uni/tafe courses that enable you to do a profession such as air hostessing after like a week (obviously longer but still not very long) and do that for a while until i can decide and obviously earn the money for uni.
if i make a decision i do that. if i dont decide id have to continue working the work force til i decide.

all these plans have their pros and then cons but none of them have enough on either side to help me choose.
i dont know what i want i only know what i dont want.
i dont want to do something i hate.
i dont want to be doing the same thing every day.
i dont want to be anti-social.
i dont want to be stuck doing whatever im doing.
i dont want to be stuck in the one place.
i dont want to see all the same people every day.
i dont want to be the bad guy. ever.
so yea pick a job for me??

i found some stuff thats going to help me get inspiration for and be in my room.
here some are.

all images courtesy of google :)
so yeah hopefully soon my oasis will be complete. i was also thinking up how to store my stuff and i think ive come up with an idea. see what i want is a way to store my virtually useless stuff but in a way that is effective and accessible. i think im going to get shoe boxes and cover them in heaps of different things and just chuck all my shit in there. obviously to be effective i will have to sort my shit into different boxes but that shouldnt be too hard. i want to cover them in heaps of different things like newspapers, photographs, lyrics, stuff from magazines, quotes, sayings and pretty much anything else i can find. i want it to overlap as well. i dunno i just think the idea is cool. and i can write on the front of the boxes whats in them so they can just remain stacked in my room until i want something from one of them. good idea yeah?
and for the stuff i wanted to put over my mirrors when they are installed i was thinking that i could have a kind of friends theme running through all three mirrors. on one wall i could have a layer of pictures of everyone. i saw this on jamies sliding door i shall take a photo and upload it on here asap. on another wall i could have a massive piece of butcher paper that people can write on. i could make a new one each month and have a massive calendar for each month and i can write down all the things i do. it can also have things on it like lists and drawings and reminders and ideas and anything else i could possibly need. with the last mirror, however, i am at a loss. im thinking i could make a curtain for it, something to go with my room that i could pull aside if needed.
oh well i have a couple of months to think of things. but i like the start ive made.
now dont get me wrong here, i dont have a problem with mirrors or my body (usually) or anything like that i just dont want them in my room, where i spend most of my time. i have them at dads house and i hate it. i cant go more than 10 seconds without looking at myself, fixing my hair, sucking in my stomach etc etc and its annoying!! i dont want to be bombarded with imaged of myself and how i dont like something that i see. like i have my pretty days but they arent when im waking up or when im having a lazy day or when im in my comfy clothes.
so yea no big mirrors in my room.
well thats all
bye lovelies xx

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

global warming

this was on a forum:
I was watching inconvenient truth the other day and theres the bit where it shows the sea level rising really high and flooding most of the world. Well i live near the sea, and don’t want to drown, so i got to thinking. Maybe if we lower the sea level a bit, when the water level rises then it won’t rise high enough to flood.

Anyway, heres the plan. Everyone who can should take a bucket of sea water and pour it down the sink. If lots of people put the effort in, we could lower the sea level substantially and create a better world for our children to live.

im sure they meant well :P

well i am in an incredibly shit mood currently and am at a loss on how to get out of it. my shit mood was caused by brad being moody. boys arent meant to be moody!! its why i hang out with them more so than girls and bother dating them!! but since brads my boyfriend ive gotta be nice and understanding and patient.
not three of my usual qualities. but oh well hes worth it.

its just so frustrating some times!!
take last night/today for example. we had dinner at at thans for sarahs birthday with about 30 of her friends since it was her birthday dinner. then once we finished one of the boys, i think it was reiss, said "lets go to cold rock" so we got into five separate cars and started heading down there. i was in stefs car with the other sarah. about half way there we got a call from birthday sarah who was in nics car n she said that cold rock was full and about to close so we're going to gelitissimo instead. once we were at gelitissimo i messaged brad asking if he was in mooloolaba cause it was about clubbing time. he wasnt then he proceeded to get angry at me for not inviting him. i explained that sarah couldnt invite some people that she really wanted to cause there wasnt enough room in the restaurant so i couldnt invite him considering theyd never met. i wanted to add something in about him not wanting to meet any of my friends but i didnt want to cause a fight so i didnt. he then said less than 10 words in the next three texts where i tried to appologise for something that wasnt even my fault, to no avail. i then said bye as i was already over on my plan and that i would talk to him later. he sent back ok. then this morning he came on myspace and changed his status to something about needing to shake a feeling so i messaged him (via myspace since i practically have no phone) asking him if he was ok. he sent back "how was your gathering last night." nice. so yea then after a few more useless exchanges, none of them filled with love or even anything close to affection, he stopped saying anything back all together. after half an hour of this i had had enough so i sent him another one asking if he was mad at me or just in a bad mood. he read the message then went offline. how mature. people can go on about our age difference (three years) all they want but clearly im not the immature one.

- long break -

so brad just came back online and answered my question. turns out someone he was close to died. sorry about the massive bitch session before. it was very immature of me. and im so sorry brad for your loss.

now onto lighter subjects.

i have recently become addicted to fail blog. its where i got the thing up the top from. check it out. you wont be dissapointed, i promise.

now to the last couple of days.
on monday night sarah called me and invited me and brad to come to a gathering at hers. brad couldnt come cause he had family up so mother drove me. shes being exceptionally nice and motherly at the moment which is strange. im not sure how long its going to last but ill milk it while ive got it. anyway back to my story. i got to sarahs and luke, brent and haden were there and jamie cause she was up for the holidays. we chilled in sarahs room and chatted then nic, sarah, oliva, prue, reiss and the other sarah (birthday sarah) turned up and after trying to fit us all into sarahs room we accepted defeat and went to the lounge room with the promise of staying quiet as sarahs mum didnt want too much noise. then we drank alittle, chilled alittle, laughed alot, swam for a bit and didnt end up sleeping.
some of the more memorable moments of the night were:
- sarah (birthday sarah) trying to convince us that tasmania is part of australia.
- sarahs mum coming out of her room (after a date, not something suss) with graham (i think thats his name) who is her new man and reiss saying "good work hes hot" straight to her face.
- all the boys dropping hints to sarah that her mums a foxy lady.
- reiss getting his game face on.
- reiss and haden playing knuckles. reiss won. (i saw reisses hand at dinner, id hate to see hadens)
- me and sarah being chased by a cockroach.
- trying to get the cockroach into the toilet without actually touching it.
- me and sarah realising we had been d-n-ming for roughly four hours.
- me and nic talking about buying a chair like one that sarah has (i cant explain this chair its just so comfortable)
- nic mixing mcflurrys and beer.
- reisses extra bit on the crotch part of his pants.
- me and sarah eating ham.
- reiss and nic pissing on the swift over the road probably about nine times.
- me luke and sarah making up a secret handshake. im not sure what for.
- me reiss and sarah going swimming at 5:15 AM. it was freezing.
all in all a good night.

then sarahs dinner last night, as mentioned above, was great. we had it at thans which is a cambodian and asian place near the key bar in maroochydore. its pretty cheap for a restaurant n the food is so different and yummy. i met sarah at zarraffas when she finished work and we went to get changed and ready for her dinner. once we were ready we went back to zarraffas and chilled there when we saw jess. after chatting for a bit sarah got a text from danni, double checking the time for sarahs dinner. me and sarah then realised it was 6:30 and we should already be there. riley picked us up and when we got to thans and luke, danni, nic, reiss and stef were already there. we sat down and soon the others arrived (the others being tegan, mel, anna, jess lee, sarah, jamie and brent). we ordered and after what seemed like forever (it was probably about half an hour) our meals came. i sat inbetween riley and jess with the sarahs over the table from me. i love going out to dinner with my friends, it makes me feel all grown up and mature. dinner was good, gelitissimo was good and then jess turned up and we chilled with her. once we were ready to leave jess offered to drive me home and we went down to the car park and there was ben!! with amy *suggestive eyes* i found out ben and amy were dating and actually was secretely cut coz its been about a month and i didnt even know. but me and ben made plans to catch up so im hopefully that we can rekindle our friendship :) then jess drove me home and another friendship was rekindled :) then i finally slept :)
another good night.
photos of sarahs will be up as soon as she emails them to me.
ive also decided reiss has a death wish. the game of knuckles, getting people at dinner to hit his sore hand, pouring candle wax on his other hand and finally drinking candle wax all in the space of two days. and he was sitting on the front of nics car while nic was driving but nics a good driver so there wasnt any real risk. reiss is the best kid though, i wouldnt want him any other way <3

now that easter is really over (its wednesday) i have to accpet that there are no more hot cross buns :(
they are my favourite food and since only having discovered them this year i cant say that im ready for them to be gone until this time next year. it was so good being able to have one every morning, steaming hot and covered in butter.
and now its gone *sigh*

anyhoo this is an extremely long blog thats gotten to the point where i have nothing interesting to put in.
if i remember something later ill be back on.
love xx