Wednesday, July 29, 2009

a new definition of a retard.

brad. not me. brad.
just before he opened a msn conversation with me. i can only think of one other time where hes done that (even when we were dating) which was when we had that whole conversation about getting back together. so firstly thats weird. then he starts making conversation. even when we were dating i was always the one making all of the conversation. so the fact that he was making equal conversation is weird. then he was flirting. weird weird weird.
yesterday we have nothing and today hes acting like hes trying to start something. fair enough if hes having trouble making up his mind but he should make it up before he does anything.
i am sick of him. he is so confusing. he is impossible.
but something great is happening. im pretty sure im getting over him. like when he started talking to me i was thinking "what now?" and when he was making conversation i was making conversation back but there was no butterflies like there has been from the first time i talked to him and when he was flirting i was complaining to other sarah about his yo-yoing and when he said bye i was relieved cause i didnt have to talk to him more.
its exciting to think that i might not like brad anymore. even when i liked other people i still liked brad more than them. its been two years.

its about friggen time :)

anyways monday was my only day of school this week and it was pretty average. i had a spare first so i slept in and still managed to get ready before grace. so i took myspace mirror shots.
nutter was pissing me off in english. we have to do our assessment in pairs or threes so im with nutter (not asked just presumed) and aside from missing the first two lessons in watching and breaking down macbeth (one intentional) she sits there in the first lesson of english shes had this term and texts/lays her head down on the desk for the whole lesson instead of actually paying attention. and she hasnt read the stuff mrs. o'connor set for our assignment. i really want to ask to be with the sarahs if they'll have me. i think im going to ask them first and if they're okay with it then ill think about it some more.
then the brad thing happened. and nick talked to me about other sarah. hes really into her, shes going to shatter him when they break up :(

tuesday was sports day so again another sleep in :) then i discovered my sarahs werent coming :( so i hung out with naomi and co. instead which was great fun :) i should really chill with them more. cause im on the grad video committee i had a camera and filmed lots and lots. and me, naomi and aimee recorded our hume song :) i didnt see nutter pretty much at all. i did hurdles with naomi and managed to not knock three over :) pretty good effort i think considering that they are higher than my hips :) whenever id knock one down it would hit the back of my right leg and now i have a huge bruise and its all swollen :) then later me, naomi and aimee were chilling in the film room with hume and he recommended that we do my film cause i was stressing a bit that it wasnt going to work but he said we should give it a go :) then nutter saw me and our senior jerseys finally came in!! so we ran down to the art room where they were but she said shed stay outside cause there wasnt much room. i was in there for maybe 5 minutes and when i came out shed left. im actually quite cut about it. especially since we got matching jerseys. gahh. anyways so they're actually pretty nice even though its ridiculous how much they cost and how long we had to wait. im in love mine actually.
that night other sarah invited me to the movies to see my life in ruins. i wore my jersey :) my life in ruins is pretty good its a bit stereotypical though. then we went to zarraffas and chilled there for about 2 hours. i love being friends with the people there its halarious :) then we went via bp to home and we got call-outs at the bp. even though it was a pretty lame attempt it still feels nice yknow :) then home and i pretty much went to bed.

today i decided to have a me day. i got up at 10 :) read for a bit then cause it was such a nice day i decided to go down to cotton tree to read. it was quite nice :) at one point i was lying on the grass in the shade and a guy a couple of meters down from me started playing his guitar and singing :) there were some rude people at that point but then a text from sister sarah made up for it :) then i brought myself icecream and ate it before walking back to the plaza and chilling with my work crew for a bit before catching the bus home. nic is back from sydney and shes finally got a stomach! shes so gorgeous she should me her 18 week scans and you can see its face and everything. its really cool in a creepy way. then home and mum was in a shit mood so ive been in my room for most of it. and then brads conversation.

now im going to go to bed.
night all xx

p.s. it makes me really sad to think that ill never have another sports day in my entire life. i never appreciated them enough.
p.p.s. ive just found a quote that fits how i think i would feel if any of my friends died. "i cant comprehend that you're not here" i really cant even imagine not having my friends. not having my sister sarah to always hug just cause im feeling cuddly. or not having other sarah to pay out on for the way she speaks. or not having naomi to be a kid with. or not having maddie to be able to call up and talk pretty much nonstop to her for half an hour while she barely says a word. or to not have david letting me play with his hands whenever i want. or to not have aimee to have scary movie nights with. or to not have brad to complain to and about.
i need my friends. and im terrified of what im going to do when they die. next year will be hard enough but at least there is mail, telephone, text, email, myspace, msn, im, facebook and twitter to help us keep in touch. really anyone that looses touch with their close friends "cause they've moved away" should stop using that excuse.
well now that im all sad and stressing over stuff that with any luck wont happen for a good 50 years at least im really going to go to bed.

Monday, July 27, 2009

the definition of a retard.

re-tard [ri-tahrd]
verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.

3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
4. slang: disparaging.
a. a mentally retarded person.
b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.

c. bec.

i just got what i wanted and im devestated.
i am the definition of retarded.

heres me and brads conversation.
bec says: ohhh did nic have a talk to you about the staff party?
Bradley.... says: nopee y's that?
bec says: oh cause sarian thought you did and i got real angry cause i hadnt been talked to
Bradley.... says: relli? he asked me on fri n i told him nope
bec says: ohh thats weird
Bradley.... says: haha it is wen did he ask u?
bec says: saturday
Bradley.... says: ohk haha he is a weird one y wld u get angry at that?
bec says: cause i hated how when they found out we were kind of together last year you got like 4 talks and i didnt get any its rude to dump it all on you
Bradley.... says: oooooooooh haha is wat happens
bec says: mmmm well it shouldnt!! im old enough to make my own decisions and should be accounted for them!!! rahhhhhh!!!!
Bradley.... says: haha is shit now but cause they think sumthin is goin on wen its not

so nothings going on. which is what i need. which is what i want.
and yet im on the verge of crying.
as i said; i define retarded.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

i really loathe

15 year olds who think that they are going to be with their current bf/gf for the rest of their life.

point and case: scotty and his new girlfriend ashley.

theyve been going out for about a week now.

heres some questions and answers from a quiz that scotty did on myspace.
Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?ashleigh! and she always will
Dare you to go in detail why you kissed the last person you kissed?cause i am truely inlove with her, and i could spend the rest of my life with her..
Can you recall the last time you liked someone?hmm i love someone now

and heres whats on her myspace about him.
ScottJames my past, presant, future.i love you, always have always will, im never gonna second think that. 22/7/09

so sorry i correct myself there. theyve been going out for five days now.

i really think i dont need to say anything else.
that was my vent.
night (for real this time :))

i have a pimple on my neck

and it really hurts.
just in case you wanted to know :

so onto the last couple of days.

friday. school was okay. i was late coming out of the lockers and so was maddie so i walked up next to her to wait for her and realised she was crying :( she wrote me a note in legal and told me her parents are getting divorced :( cheer up maddie. its so shit though cause they havent even told maddie she read her mums diary after she noticed that her parents had been whispering a lot. i dont really remember the rest of school so nothing too eventful could have happened. ohh except that ben asked naomi out on a date :) LOL ben texted her saying "wanna hang out sometime maybe saturday night?" so naomi replies "yeah sure" thinking he meant a party or somethig but then he textes back "how about maybe dinner and a movie?" LOL LOL LOL.
work was shit. brad didnt say anything that wasnt work related for the whole three hours that we were working together for. so i was shitty at him for being shitty at me. then i got a text just before i finished work saying that there was a thing at hadens but as i went outside to call dad to tell him i wasnt coming but he was already sitting in the car park :l
so i went to his and went straight to bed. good father-daughter bonding time there.

saturday i got up and went to work. work was fantastic i was working with sarian :) i had to undo more dyetags and the box was out the back so i chilled out the back with sarian on his break :) we talked about heaps of stuff and he even offered to have a party at his house for my birthday :) hope it actually happens aye. just like the work crew and the sarahs obviously but that would still be the best birthday ever :) and i asked him if brad had said anything to him on friday (cause they worked together before i got in) and he was like "nahh not really i think he was just worried about his dad" and i was like "his dad?" and hes said "hasnt he told you? his dad went into hospital last week." so now i feel real bad for being so rude. and i want to know how he is.
then i went home and got ready to go to hadens cause he was having another thing :) sarah picked me up, we went to pick up ron ron and reiss from reisses house, then we went to toms house to pick up their drinks, then we went to hadens. haha it was so good we were in the car on the way there and other sarah said "were you guys drinking before i picked you up?" and they were like "yepp" and she was like "yea i can smell it on you" then later on she was like "are you drinking in my car?" and in unison ron ron says "yep" and reiss said "no" i love those boys :) we got to haden and there was lots of fun there :) it was so good to chill with the creek boys again i hadnt really seen them since steffs. we played four kings. man is that game intense :) ohhhh other sarah told me and sister sarah that she doesnt love nick anymore :( epic sad face. so shes going to break up with him (obviously). i almost started crying at one point cause riley asked me how my holidays were and i started thinking about mum and everything but i stopped it :) ron ron and reiss were giving me shit all night for "christening the lanos" as they put it :) ron ron kept on asking me "bec wheres tom?" and i would be like "i dont know" then i got drunk and asked ron ron "ron ron wheres tom?" gosh im good :) and sarah asked me how i was feeling at one point and i said one word "tom" LOL :) haha luke hit on me at one point (but whats new really) but he was so obvious it was ridiculous. he grabbed my hand at one point and started skipping so we skipped and he led me to the bathroom, pulled me in, shut the door and turned the lights out. and i was like "umm okay what are we doing in here?" and hes like "i have to piss hold my drink" and i was like "well can i hold it outside?" and hes like "no just stay in here" but i was like "no im going to wait outside" so i walked outside and lukes looked at me and said "you're real pretty" and i was like "aww thanks luke" and hes like "sexy?" and i said "nope" and hes like "gorgeous?" and i was like "awww thanks" and hes like "has that got me in?" not obvious at all luke. then tom got there and i met his friend from england adam. hes real cool :) me and ron ron had rolling competitions :) it was genius. me and tom didnt do anything but there was this amazing... sexual tension is really the only way i can put it. like the whole "if we were alone" vibe. it was quite nice cause it didnt feel one sided anymore :) then hadens mum kicked everyone out at 12 so we went to lukes house via boat again :) before luke said that me and the sarahs could stay at his we were trying to find somewhere to go and sister sarah said to tom "you should take bec home with you" good job sister sarah. but we went back to lukes and his parents werent home thankgod :) we were tired so we went to bed pretty much straight away. me and sister sarah stole lukes bed so luke and other sarah were on the bed on the floor.

sunday. other sarah told me that her and luke kissed. not good. but i mean its not like i could really say anything. she was so sad and angry and dissapointed in her self i didnt really need to say anything. she teared up at one point :( we dropped sister sarah home, got ready at hers and then went to the plaza. OMG - tangent - sister sarah made coconut and liquer icecream and it is amazing :D:D:D okay back on track. we went to the plaza, got zarraffas and maccas for breakfast, chilled with corbo then went to work. i was feeling really quite great so work was good. chloe got in at 12 and she was crying :( her friend told her that her boyfriend was cheating on her. he clearly had no clue what he had. she deserves so much better. so we ate chololate and bitched about men all day :) then i went home, slept and text brad asking if he was okay. he said that he was and that his dad was out of hospital. then i said that that was good and he didnt text back. even though it wasnt even a real conversation, it felt really good. i dont know what kind of good but still good.

and now im going to bed.
i really dont feel like school tomorrow.
infact i may pull a sickie.
then i would have no days of school this week cause ive got sports days on tuesday and friday, wednesdays off and teachers strike thats actually a qcs day on thursday.
i think thats a genius idea actually :)
maybe blog tomorrow morning :)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

jerseys soon

OH-EM-GEE we get our senior jerseys on monday :0 only about 2 months too late. but oh well im still excited.

today was pretty lousy.
i woke up late and ran to the bus for the third time this week.
got to school and had a semi-parade then qcs. nutter was in my class but after not even five minutes she was kicked out for talking. we did pretty much nothing then when i met her once the lesson finished she had gotten herself changed into jakes qcs class. it is insufferable how obsessed she is with him. dead set she doesnt have a life outside jake. i miss my nutter. then maths which is when her obsession is at its worse cause tamikas also in the class and has a similiar disease to nutter so thats all they talk about. and the things that they do!! like tamika reads todds messages!! its intense. and they were talking about shanes birthday and nutter hasnt been invited but jake has and she said (and i quote) "well if jakes going im going i dont care if im not invited" fuck thats rude. and hes automatically invited to my birthday as well cause we were talking about it and i was saying that its going to be hard to get some people there and nutter said "well jakes driving me so im all good" i so felt like saying "ohh so hes good with waiting in the car for a couple hours then?" but i didnt i was the good best friend i took it. its not so much that i dont like jake but its my birthday i should really have a choice in whoose invited. actually, no, i take that back i do have a problem with jake, i might as well not be there when hes around, nutter completely ignores me and makes me feel like im intruding. i dont want to be ignored on my birthday, i dont want to feel like that at my own party. i just want nutter for one day. and if hes invited im probably going to have to invited todd, shane and jackson cause otherwise jake wouldnt come and then nutter would be angry at me. and if i invited them that means that alyssa will probably have to come too cause shane and alyssa have the same mental condition that nutter and tamika have. so right there thats five people i dont want. i think i might have to say something when it gets closer. that should be a fun conversation :/
then lunch and drama. it was so sad mrs. johnson started talking about our drama performances on tuesday night and she was saying how dissapointed and stuff she was then she started crying :( so then i nearly started crying cause she was just so devestated that some people were unprepared and others didnt even turn up and shed put all this effort into it. it was so sad :( and we got a new girl, her names tyra and not to be a bitch but shes kind of bizarre looking. shes a little big and like my height and she had the bleech-blonde hair but the regrowth has started coming through and she has scabbs all over her legs. we were actually doing work in drama today so i didnt get a chance to talk to her. im hoping i look back on this first impression and change it.
i feel asleep in english :/ woops. nutter didnt turn up to english. jake was away today so im guessing in her spare she called him and got him to pick her up and she hung out with him for the rest of the day.
in legal i got moved down the front for talking :/ woops.
i went to the plaza after school with the sarahs. we met jamie, rae, jackie and others in bar connections for a bit then me and the sarahs went to cotton on cause i wanted to show them my dress. its like a grey singlet on top then a little lower than my boobs it turns into a black skirt. its nice but where the singlet turns into the skirt is a bit too low so i either have to buy a belt or pull it up a bit. either way its still okay. so i brought it :) then other sarah went to work and me and sister sarah went to juice4life and she introduced me to one of the greatest things ever. they get cut up strawberries, cover it in cream then put two pieces of shortcake on it and cover the whole thing in icing sugar <3yummmm :) then we visited brentiles at work and did cinema checks with him. then me and sister sarah did grocery shopping for her and then she left. i still had about half an hour before my bus came so i went to work to see everyone. brad and jenny were working (and later i discovered megan was too) so i chilled up the front. brad pretty much didnt talk to me. like i was making all the conversation and he would just give me one word answers back. so i chilled with jenny instead. LOL i was standing on a rolly-rack and she started wheeling me around on it :) i love her dearly. then i left, bussed home and was watching the oc when seths mum came over. i know that i shouldnt but i still hate her. i hate what she put seth through, that she made him move without saying goodbye or anything. the dinner and then i fell asleep agian. good work bec.
now im meant to be doing my drama cause i told her id left my usb at home.
but im downloading music :) it was quite pleasant in drama today sam grabbed my ipod and he didnt instantly abuse me about the music on it unlike he has every other time. maybe hes growing up :)
even though the fact that brad not talking to me probably means that he doesnt want to get back together, which is a good thing, it still hurt. i dont know if im just being stupid cause i want brad to want me or cause im worried that we cant be friends at all. im working with him tomorrow so that should be... interesting.
well i may actually start my drama now :)
or just find more shit on the internet. either way.

bridget parker

today on neighbours when they were showing the aftermath of bridget parkers death i cried. i mean i bawled my eyes out. wept. sobbed hysterically. i couldnt breath, i was dizzy, i got a headache.
all over the death of a character in a soap opera.
okay she was my favourite character, and its "that time of the month" but really! wtf! i mean come on! man up! rub some dirt in it!
i dont get it.
i hate how being a teenager makes you havBolde so many emotions, its really rather shit. i wish we could all just turn off all our emotions, just leave the drama, the bitching, the heartbreak to the soap operas. i think we would all be much happier that way.
well thats my little rant.
im going to bed for real this time.
kiss kiss.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

end quote

"im in a war, of head versus heart and its always been like this. my head is weak, my heart always speaks, before i know what it want to say."

"we can fight our desires, but when we start making fires we get ever so hot whether we like it or not. they say we can love who we trust, but what is love without lust? two hearts with accurate devotions and what are feelings without emotions? i hang my hopes out on the line. will they be ready for you in time? if you leave them out too long they'll be withered by the sun. full stops and exclamation marks, my words stumble before i start. how far can you send emotions? can this bridge cross the ocean? lets go to war to make peace. let's be cold to create heat. i hope in darkness, we can see and you're not blinded by the light from me."

i like these ^^

today i worked. i probably shouldnt have agreed to work but oh well. got there 10 minutes late :S woops. work was okay. we had a jacket sale start today and we were sold out by like 12. on my break i chilled with other sarah and her friend whoose up from tassie gordan (pronounced jeourdan or yordan or something) then back to work. we had nice customers today, i think i like working on weekdays better, the people are on their days off and they arent in a rush.
then i came home and gave grace her birthday presents. i got her make up remover, silver ball studs and a silver anklet. she was happy :)
i chatted on the net to nick and zack for a bit. and not to brad even though he was online.
now im blogging.
i havent done my drama assignment (the script and analysis) and it was due today. im just that good at time management :S

well thats all ive got to say really. my lifes just boring at the moment. oh well its better than complicated.
heres the photos from mels :)

just got in there.

the only photo ive ever seen where i look more sober than someone else.

other sarah ron ron me.

even though me and sarah look like fatty-boom-bahs in this photo i still love it :)

steffen <3>

we're so rebel; you say "cheeze" we say "schoolies crew" :)

well now im going to bed. cause i dont care about failing, or mrs. johnson absolutely mauling me in class tomorrow

im cooler than vanilla ice in the antartic :)


Tuesday, July 21, 2009



i did my drama performance today. it was... acceptable. not great but not bad. so im okay about it. everyone elses was amazing.

graces birthday today. she got her belly-button pierced and some other things. im getting her present tomorrow.

this made my day:
Aaron says:
hahaha, obviously
Oi bec, question...
WTF was Tom thinking when he moved the Lanos the other night haha
He didn't want to be interrupted... so he MOVED THE CAR 2 METERS ACROSS THE ROAD
I tried to get him to explain his logic in the morning, but he couldn't.
bec says:
hahaha well i thought we drove for like ever so i didnt question that i asked whether he knew how to get back
Aaron says:

we are just too good :)
anyways im going to bed cause im exhausted after drama.
night xx

Monday, July 20, 2009

i have some new loves

ive been downloading loads of music to make my new massive ipod feel more full.
and in doing so ive discovered some real gems.

firstly: lisa mitchell
yepp the chick from australian idol a couple of years back. i know normally australian idol is a joke but shes moved on from there and has her own album and what not. and i like her voice. they way she's kind of constantly breathless just sounds so... i want to say sexy but its also something else, i dont know what.
anyways heres some lyrics.

Incomplete Lullaby
"i was just about to call, there was flowers on the ceiling. you left me feeling like a fading voice, like a closing door, like a dozen lies and a dozen more.
the stars looked like burning sparks, the lights were warm but chilling. you left me feeling tired. could not close my eyes, on fire but frozen inside. to run or to hide. speechless my words could not melt. whisper i wanted to shout. with out you i felt like a fleeting thought. like a double eight. like a gentle fear of a warming taste.
Like a setting sun. like a last goodbye. like an incomplete lullaby."

Alice in Wonderland
"sometimes i feel like alice in a wonderland, chasing rabits, cheshire cats and mad hatters. a better world well it don't really matter. well day breaks and life is as dark as the room. the air is laced with sweet perfume. what is it about morning light that makes everything feel alright? alright. well it feels like i have just woke up in a world where down is up and up is a long way from here. in the big wheels where they keep on turning they don't slow down they just keep on learning. well my name's not alice but i know how she felt when her world started turning into something else."

All i Know
"and my heart leaps out of its bars. will tomorrow be much worse? is this love a blessing or a curse? and all i know is that i'll never let you go i'll never let you go i'll never let you go."

A Little Ramblin Blues
"so once i had a little house in the country babe in the country. i was living in the country with you. the man down the creek wore funny little hat and he wore little buttons all down his back. and little did he know he really had the girl and he gave it to the neighbours cat, to the neighbours cat. and the neighbours cat wore the funny little hat all day."

secondly bonavon frankenreiter
cool name huh? all of his songs are so different theres pop ones and accoustic ones and so much everything in between. ohh and hes got a sexy voice, it makes him sound like he would be a hottieeeeee. and he writes love songs <3

Move By Yourself
"sometimes they can't forget, orget just what you've got. but don't ever be no, no, somebody that you're not. when there's a choice you've got to make do what you feel, don't hesitate. you know i will never, never forget what a friend said, his words keep ringing in my head. he said don't stop doing what you believe in don't let them put you on a shelf you've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight."

By Your Side
"i got word today. a friend gone done me wrong and that's alright 'cause bad thing don't last long. they made me believe, believe they were my friends but I'm not blind, blind, to see it end. but you know what i'm going to be just fine 'cause i'm going home tonight, i'm gonna be right by your side. it's gonna feel so good, i'm gonna be right by your side."

"make me an offer i can't refuse. make me an offer where you won't lose, i said you won't lose. my heart is tremblin minus two for your love ain't no deal i want to lose. i said no i dont want to lose. everytime you walk out that door i just love you more. baby won't you stay here with me. everytime you walk out that door i just love you more. baby won't you stay here with me, stay here
with me yeah. if i let you borrow my tomorrow would you just stay with me today?"

thirdly björk
now i only like one of her songs. it just... explains everything. and its big band :) so here it is.

It's Oh So Quiet
"it's. oh. so quiet. it's oh. so. still. you're all alone and so peaceful fall in love. zing boom. the sky up above. zing boom. is caving in. wow bam. you've never been so nuts about a guy, you wanna laugh you wanna cry, you cross your heart and hope to die. 'til it's over and then it's nice and quiet. but soon again starts another big riot. you blow a fuse. zing boom. the devil cuts loose. zing boom. so what's the use. wow bam. of falling in love. it's. oh. so quiet. it's. oh. so. still. you're all alone and so peaceful ring the bell. bim bam. you shout and you yell. hi ho ho. you broke the spell. gee, this is swell. you almost have a fit. this guy is "gorge" and i got hit. there's no mistake this is it."

fourth, fleet foxes
their voice is really.. haunting is the best way i can describe it. and then they have like chinese intruments of something making jolting, high pitched noises. major contrast. and their lyrics are really... difficult to understand cause they're so deep.
different singing style. different musical intruments. different lyrics. different is good :)

Oliver James
"on the way to your brother's house in the valley, dear. by the river bridge a cradle floating beside me. in the whitest water on the banks against the stone. you will lift his body from the shore and bring him home. Oliver James washed in the rain no longer."

Anyone Who's Anyone
"is there anything that i can do? all my sympathy it went to you. i heard you were looking so strung out, smiling and tumbling down. the seasons will change, the things you perceive, the company will keep disturbing your sleep. it's so much better in the sunlight. i'm just a little mirage."

He Doesnt Know Why
"penniless and tired, with your hair grown long. i was looking at you there and your face looked wrong. memory is a fickle siren song. i didn't understand. in the gentle light as the morning nears. you don't say a single word of your last two years. well you will be, you've reached the frontier. i didn't understand, no. see your rugged hands and a silver knife. twenty dollars in your hand makes you hold so tight. all the evidence of your vacant life. my brother you were born. and you will try to do what you did before, pull the wool over your eyes for a week or more. let your family take you back to your original mind. there's nothing I can do there's nothing I can say."

The Lucksmiths
so i used to be in love with them forever ago and ive since renewed my love. they're just cheezy and nice :)

A Hiccup in Your Happiness
"the start is the hardest part. to step inside and announce a newly broken heart. and louise, you’re ill at ease, you bite your thumb and tug your skirt below your knees. and it hurts even more than you thought. the words get caught and sad as you are, you’re glad of the wine you brought. i’ve no idea what you need to hear. my mother used to say “there’s always next year” but please don’t despair, louise. today will end and your heart will mend, if by degrees. and it hurts even more than you thought. and it feels like forever just now. but one day you’ll look back on this. as a hiccup in your happiness"

Adolescent Song of Mindless Devotion
"i'd sail the driest desert, i'd walk the wildest seas, i'd swim the highest mountain, i'd swallow chalk and swear it was cheese, if you said please. i love your diamond lips, i love your rosy-red eyes, i love your cheeky cheeks, i'd tear the stars out of the midday sky, if you said 'hi'. i'd help you walk through the window, i'd sing to you beneath your door, i'd change my name to matthew and be the welcome mat on your floor. because i la-la-la-la-love you. and i na-na-na-na-need you. and i wa-wa-wa-wa-want you. to be ma-ma-ma-ma-mine.

T-shirt Weather
"there’s my bike looking dusty. the spokes are broken and rusty. but i’m happy to walk. i’m happy with anything today 'cause i’m out in the sunshine while my friend’s at home asleep. i guess that’s just the downside to the money he makes and the hours he keeps. and i say hey, it’s a beautiful day and i’m starting to feel a lot better so wake up, wake up. it’s t-shirt weather."

Smokers in Love
"in the early morning, when you wake each other up, coughing like you might not make the afternoon. you keep the curtains closed and you carry off a conversation but you both know that it’s still far too soon to say you’ll be ok. you keep the curtains closed and you hide behind the newspaper. you got yourself some nicotine in the nick of time. and even though the weekend doesn’t really make much difference you spent thursday on your backside whistling “friday on my mind” super-supine. smokers in love. happy and hungover on the first day of october. struggling to remember the last night of september."

well even though i havent many more i think thats entirely enough.
today i went to school to practice my drama. claire was there to do the same and i was quite surprised that she actually wasnt really prepared at all. its really unusual for claire. then i practiced naomis lighting and media. hers is so good, its really shocking. and her media is wow. then i pretty much chilled with britta for the rest of the day. it was great cause we chatted for the first time in ages. she told me some really shocking stuff about her home life. if she hadnt said anything i never would have guessed. her dads pretty much blind and he quit his job. and he just yells at her all the time over nothing. and her mum drinks herself silly cause shes lonely. and her sister freya is pretty much annorexic, she has the same warning signs that jordyn had. i think its amazing that shes so normal and happy and stable when all thats going on. especially when she doesnt talk about it to anyone. i know that i would go insane if i didnt talk about my stuff with people. i love her dearly. then i chatted to david for a bit but it was kind of awkward :/ then home and i napped before coming on the net.
and now i think i should probably go to bed cause im going to be at school from 7:30 AM til probably around 8 PM tomorrow for drama.
wish me luck!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

changing my mind quicker than... something really quick

so last night i had sex with tom.
i know ,i know, i said that i loved brad and everything. but ive since decided that even though i do love brad, its not enough to make it work. im not strong enough not to cheat on him. and hes... well i just dont think that hes changed. theres a million valid reasons as to why we shouldnt date and only one that says we should (which doesnt even make sense anyways!).
so yeah my new idea is to get my uhmm *cough* attention and affection from anyone but brad which will hopefully help me to get over him. fingers crossed.

so yes anyways to my weekend.
saturday i worked. it was good, sarian was on :) that manboy is one of the most inappropriate people ive ever met. and i love it :) then i went home, got ready and other sarah came to pick me up. we chilled at mine for a bit while i got ready then we picked sister sarah and steffen up from the plaza, went to steffens house to get his stuff and feed his pets and then we went to mels. other sarah then went to pick up sam, olivia and prue. i kind of dont want to get my license cause i dont want to be a taxi like other sarah is.
naomi arrived when i did so me, sister sarah, steffen and her walked in together. there was ron ron, tom, reiss, mel, anna and simon there when we got there. then other sarah, sam, prue, olivia arrived. then ben and nick did. then everyone was there. so many funny things happened.
- ron ron falling backwards off his chair, then tom.
- reiss getting to choose a song and putting on Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt. and he knew every word.
- sister sarah trying to say "dvd" and "i dunno".
- wearing the helmet and glasses again.
- reiss punching the helmet while ron ron was wearing it, effectively breaking his knuckles.
- dancing with naomi.
- sister sarah speaking in japanese then translating herself (she does it everytime shes drunk).
- I Touch Myself - The Divinyls.
- sister sarah and steffen having a skulling competition (steffen whooped sister sarah).
- "opai!"
and so much more.
reiss and ron ron convinced mel to give simon his first kiss. gosh it was halarious. poor simon. poor mel. then ron ron and reiss give her hugs afterwards. way to make it obvious guys. it was halarious, im pretty sure that ben was trying it on with naomi before she left at 12 :)
when i was walking back to mels after walking naomi to her car and i saw sam and nick standing outside. after figuring out that i wasnt interrupting a private conversation i asked what was up. the zipper on nicks hoodie had come off but he seemed really devo about it. like about to commit sui. well not really but he was more cut than usual for a lost zipper. i suggested he get a new zipper put on it but he said that it wouldnt be the same. he explained to me that when he lived in new zealand he had two groups of friends and when he was with one of the groups he would wear one jumper and when he was with the other group he would wear another jumper. so his jumper had a lot of memories attached to it. but i said that he could still wear it and this way the jumper has some australian memories to go along side the new zealand ones. i think i made him feel better :) later on i came outside and nick, steffen and ben were sitting on the couch. there were no more seats so nick patted his lap and told me to sit. so i did. we were all talking and stuff and then eventually steffen and ben went inside but i didnt move cause it just didnt cross my mind to. so me and nick kept on chatting then olivia came out. she gave us a weird look and went back inside. turns out she went up to other sarah and was basically trying to get other sarah to say that she was worried about me and nick. but other sarahs not silly so she wasnt :) which is what she told olivia but then later on nick came up to her and was like "whats wrong?" but nothing was which is what she said but he spent the entire night trying to figure out an issue that she didnt even have. but they worked it out this morning :) stupid olvia, trying to stir shit.
tom was looking really sick at one point in the night, lying on the ground pretty much passing out so he went outside to get air, but he also seemed a bit cut. i was sitting on the couch with nick at the time and i told nick that i wanted to check if tom was okay but i didnt want it to look like i was going out there to get with him. so nick suggested that i open the conversation with "im not trying to hook up with you, i just want to see if you're okay" so i did :) he was on the couch next to rex (the dog) so i sat on the tiniest piece of couch where rex wasnt. tom told me that he was avoiding mel cause she was sort of chasing after him. is it bad that i want to put a smiley face there? he said he just didnt want to hook up with anyone tonight and mel was just being really persistent so he came outside to get away from her. i asked him why he didnt want to hook up with anyone and he said that his mind was just all over the place at the moment, one day he'll really want sex then the next hes good just chilling. and that it was doing his head in cause he couldnt figure out what he wanted, how to act, that kind of thing. understandabele. i told him that i was kind of the opposite, i want sex, then i get sex, then it goes away for a bit then i want sex again. he asked "do you want sex at the moment?" and i said "yea, hence my messages from the last time we were here" so we started talking about the whole "please?! sex?!" episode and he said "it was so difficult im standing there trying to make this big speach about how i dont want to hurt you and then you kiss me! you have no idea how much restrain it took to not grab you and mount you on my car right then." so i asked "why didnt you? you dont have uni or anything at the moment" and he said more crap about being scared of hurting me. so i said "well you should have" then rex moved so i went to sit back and tom put his arm around me :) so i said "im not so much for a relationship at the moment, just the sex" so we kissed :) then he said "do you wanna go sit in my car and chat or something?" yep sure we're going to chat. so we went to his car, got in the back seat and after chatting for about 20 seconds we started making out :) after a little bit there was a knock on the door, the door opened and we hear reiss and ron ron go "tom?" and he says "yea?" and they just cheer and shut the door again. then they pushed on the back of the car, making it rock. haha i love those boys :) so we started making out again :) we started umm.. getting into it then nick got in his car and went for a drive and tom was worried that we were going to get caught so we stopped and drove a little bit down the road (i actually thought we drove for ages but on the way back i realised it was like not even 100 meters :P) then we started again :) and he didnt fail this time :) i thought it was halarious, if anybody had actually seen the lanos (toms car) it would have actually been rocking and the windows were fogged up! just like in the movies :) he didnt have a condom cause ron ron and reiss used his last one as a balloon (trust them) but im not really stressing cause aside from the fact that im on the pill its kind of like mmm been there done that :P toms the boy that keeps on giving, he doesnt do just kissing, then just sucking, then just fingering, then just sex, he can multitask :P and he didnt give me an epic hickey this time :) one bad thing though was that he was talking dirty to me and it just doesnt really do much for me. but oh well it probably does it for him :) im actually really glad we moved cause i was, again, really loud :) it was weird (but in a good way) that tom was on top. i didnt think that guys could be on top in a car but some how we managed :) it was good cause when i was on top it wasnt as good and i kept on hitting my head on the roof. im a classy lady, i know :) after we finished we cuddled for a bit (again didnt think that was possible in a car) then we got dressed and drove back to mels. i went in first cause tom had to umm... clean up :S
i got inside and ron ron asked "wheres tom?" and i said "hes coming" (probably not the best choice of words there but no one picked up on it thank god) so ron ron says "cleaning himself up?" so i guessed that reiss and ron ron had told everyone, which id expected them to do anyways. among more wise cracks i layed down on the bed with sister sarah and ron ron just before tom comes into the room. more wise cracks. everyone stayed up for a little bit longer talking but once the boys had used up all their jade jokes* everyone fell asleep.
in the morning we all chilled then tom, ron ron, reiss, simon and sam left and i called mum and told her that i was still at mels and needed her to pick me up with work clothes around 9 so that i could chill with everyone else that was going to the plaza in other sarahs car before i had to work at 10. so mum did and i got to the plaza then got a call from sister sarah saying that other sarahs car battery had died and they had to get mels neighbours to jump start it and that they now have to drive around for half an hour so that the battery doesnt die again as soon as other sarah turns it off. so i chilled and had breakfast by myself mostly, with the others joining me about 10 minutes before i had to leave.
then work. fuck it was bad. i was so tired and sick but at least i was working with sash and jenny for the whole day and chloe later in the day :) i told all of them about my night and all were pleased that i was trying to not be with brad :)
then i came home, slept and called maddie. she was... not unhappy but not happy about the tom thing either. at least thats what i was picking up but maybe i was just getting it wrong.

now im going to go to bed cause ive got to get up in like 5 hours.
ill put photos up later.
night all xx
* jade is curtis'es girlfriend, a guy who used to be really close to tom, ron ron and reiss and that before they started dating and shes basically stolen him. so they make jokes about her a lot.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


sorry for the boring title.

anyways today was pretty much my only day of exam block. so i got up early, studied for maths then had to run so i didnt miss my bus. me running is unco enough, i kind of wave my arms everywhere and bend down when i run normally, but imagine me with a school bag and my beastly laptop bag. yepp.
so i got on the bus, got to school and did my maths exam. i dont know how i went cause i actually found it... not easy just not hard. and i finished 5 mins early which has never happened before in the history between me and maths ever. so yea i either went well or completely fucked it up.
then i went to semi-memorize my legal speech. then i recorded my legal speech. then i saw other sarah (just having come out of her japanese exam) and we chatted. i told her about the brad thing and she said "this is my angry face" while pulling her angry face. she wasnt very impressed but she said that if i am truely happy with brad and me and him work out a way to make things work between us then she'll support it :)
then i gave my laptop to mrs. richter to watch my speech on. i felt so bad my laptop was playing up something chronic so it kept on freezing and stopping. but she marked it so thats all that matters. then i watched maddies and omg it was so good. A definitely maybe even A+. then torys and even though she read her speech it was still way good. then we left and i told maddie about the brad thing. she didnt openly say no but i could tell. then she left and me and sappho chilled for a bit and payed out on my sister from like 10 meters away.
then sappho left and i met up with sister sarah. i told her about the brad thing and received a similar reaction to other sarah. then we chilled on the grass outside I block and ate snakes :) then britta joined us and we listened to funny songs on both our ipods while sister sarah wrote a list of songs we need for the car trip to schoolies :)
then mum came to pick me up to take me to work and we gave sister sarah a lift to the plaza. brad was working but we couldnt talk much cause we had been so busy that day and pretty much everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. therefore leaving nic in the shitest mood. but oh well i didnt really feel like talking i actually felt like working for once.
then home and mum and grace went to gabrielles for a while. brad came online so i changed my myspace status to "home alone and bored" haha isnt lame how i communicate through myspace statuses. but he didnt say anything so i ended up just chilling by myself.

then i called kamara cause this morning i told her i had news but i didnt get a change to tell her. so i told her about it. she talked about jackson for a bit. she is really in love with him. it makes me sad cause shes just not going to get anything from it :( ever.
brad came back online later and we talked for a bit before he had to go pick up his drunk friend.
ron ron called me just before (drunk of course) and invited me over. when i told him i couldnt get there he said tom would drive me. then i heard tom ask who was on the phone and then ron ron hung up. so im guessing that he was trying to get me and tom together again. now i dont know what to do cause i told tom like two weeks ago that i wanted to be "friendly" but now i dont. but i dont want to just come out and say "hey by the way i dont want to get with you cause i love brad" cant imagine that would turn out well at all. gosh. it would be just my luck that when he finally decides that hes okay with being friends with benefits that i cant. oh well its worth it if i get brad.
i realised something before. when me and brad meet up to see how everything is between us im going to have to tell him about cheating on him with tom. i couldnt not tell him. shit.
so hey maybe i can be friendly with tom cause brads most likely going to never want to talk to me again after i tell him about it.
silver lining to a friggen huge storm cloud.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

do the whirlwind

if the whirlwind was a dance move (and the song Do The Whirlwind by Architecture in Helsinki seems to suggest so) then after today i have mastered it.

started off the morning by hating school for being so early and myself for staying up so late. nothing unusual.
got to school and was surprisingly unemotional. possibly a reaction to the stress of exam block but im not entirely sure. then i did school work but i wasnt able to put much effort in. thats unusual. in exam block im normally an all-guns-blazing kind of girl but i really got shit all done today.
then at 1 i called mum to see if she would come and pick me up and come with me to the plaza to get my new ipod. very unusual since thats such a lazy thing to do and also cause it involved spending time with mum.
i brought my ipod and was excited but didnt really show it on the outside. unusual again. normally when i get something new and something that i really love im squealing and jumping and constantly holding it. extreme, basically. but i was just medium this time. dont get me wrong i love my new ipod but i just dont feel like showing it at the moment.
then i got home and got on the net. elliot came online and i started talking to him to see how bali is and whatnot as well as trying to score myself some prezzies. not unusual. i love elliot, as a friend. then we were talking and he started saying things like "i dont have a chance with you do i?" not unusual we always joke about things like that. so i made a joke about how im becoming a hermit. not unusual. then elliot said "wow that was actually a really nice way to let me down it didnt hurt as much lol" he was being serious. unusual to the extreme. well no, not really at all actually, but i just never thought of him like that so i never thought of him thinking of me like that. hes just so innocent. which is what i told him, that id corrupt him, that id take away his innocence and everything. he said that he wanted me to, he begged me to. then i said i couldnt cause id probably just end up cheating on him which would make him hate me and ruin our friendship. to which he replied that he didnt care, he would cherish the time that he had me and things like that. i kept on saying that i couldnt. then he stopped talking to me. im devastated. as much as i complained about him sometimes hes one of the best people i know, hes so genuine and sweet and pleasant and i loved talking to him about my guy problems he always said things like "you could do better" and stuff. which im now guessing he meant him.
so i changed my myspace status to "im sorry" and then "i regret it" then brad opened up a conversation on msn and asked "what do you regret?" and i said "like everything that ive done lately" then i told him the whole elliot debacle and he said it was immature to stop talking to me and just made me feel better about it. then he changed his status to "i actually miss it" so i asked him what he missed and he said "like everything" so we kept on talking about stuff but i kept on changing my myspace status every now and then to say things like "i thought i was mending but you keep putting me back to where i started" then brad changed his to "dunno what it is just cant forget and move on" so i changed mine to "im having the same problem. should we stop it or try it?" and brad changed his to "i dont know" then i changed mine to "i miss the way it used to be" and he changed his to "same" and by now i was getting pretty excited/nervous/worried. i was terrified that he talking about something else completely with someone else. so i set my status to "im too scared to say something in case you're not talking about me. wires crossed?" then he changed his to "you havent got your wires crossed" so then i was man enough to ask brad on msn "i havent got my wires crossed?" and he replied "i wouldnt say so" :) i was completely stunned. so i said "wow" cause thats all i was thinking anyway. then he was like "???" and i was like "i thought i was the only one that felt this way" and hes like "nope" :) i was completely stunned. in every scenario i had played out in my head of me admitting to him that i liked him he would let me down gently. i had no idea how to react to this, no idea what i wanted now that i had choices. so i asked him "well where do we go from here?" and he had no idea either. i asked him if he had any idea of what he wanted and he said he didnt. then he said that he had no idea what to say. so i suggest that we dont say anything, that we meet up and see how things go from there. which he agreed to :) so we're going to plan when to meet up once we know what we're doing next week :)
im so happy. but no one else will be. except nick, i told him and he was happy. that was cause he didnt know anything about everything and when i told him he still said i should give it a shot. so im going to :)
im going to go to sleep cause im going to have to be in top shape if i want to face the jury and be successful in a stay of execution tomorrow. ohh and i guess for my two exams as well.
love you xx

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

work party photos

yes! im finally putting them up!

the group

nic nic

jess me kaite allan

this is my absolute favourite

i am so cuddly :)

i pull this face everytime im drunk i swear

megan katie sash

awwww :)

i hate this photo of me but i love sarian :)

my two favourite girls :)

awwww :)


we all love sarian, clearly :)

and just for your pleasure, a photo from forever ago. like seriously this was like the start of last year.

other sarah came over before to pick up her tupper-ware containers. she ended up staying for about an hour :)

well now im going to bed since im going to school tomorrow. night all xx

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

the first day of the most important term of my life

today i started term 3.
and im shit scared.
every year, every term, every day of school has been leading up to this term.
trust me im not exaggerating much.

we didnt really do much today, just went over like everything we're doing in the term. im actually really excited for english, we're doing macbeth :) im a nerd i know :) i just dig the language so much, its amazing. the one class i actually really wanted to have today was drama but todays the only day that i dont have it :l film was good, hume explained like everything about the ranking ladder and things like that. i really dont like the idea of the ranking ladder. the ranking ladder is basically a list of everyone in the subjects grades in order of best to worst and its stuck up for all to see. hume said that it wasnt to embarrass people, it was to help us with our OPs cause we're gotta maintain that ranking or get better but mrs web said that it was to embarrass the people who werent doing well and to give them a kick up the arse. i think hume is just too nice to see it that way but its probably a little of both. and hume also managed to scrounge up an extra five computers over the holidays so now each group will have their own computer, meaning we can edit for as long as we want!! yewwww! hume-dogg also worked out that because of swine flu, teachers strike, sports carnivals, qcs, and exam block our 10 week term only has 6 weeks of actual school days :S so yeah not as long as i feel comfortable with. but oh well i guess theres nothing i can do about it, right?

work tonight was the shit. i had to remerch the kids section. remerching is when we move everything into a pattern (depending on the season) then we put it into its colour section, then the darkest to the lightest colours in each colour. basically its a shit, time consuming job. i was so excited cause stocknights are always the funnest cause everyone just gets to chill but i had to be down the back by myself :l not happy.

i just had like an hour and a half phone conversation with kamara. it was good to catch up on everything. but it really just made me hate jackson more. he completely fucks with her head. i dont even know what they've done but anything is bad. i mean hes engaged and has a baby girl for god sakes!! and hes older and hes the one that started things!! he should know better! and hes cheated on his finance before! so even if him and kamara did get together id be so worried about him cheating on her cause if he can do that to his finance and mother of his child imagine what hes going to do to a 17 year old girl. god it shits me. shes so amazing and honest and giving and happy and she deserves so much better. if only she could see that. *sigh*

i told other sarah about the brad situation today. same answer as sister sarah "no. wrong answer." which it is. i dont deserve him. and even if i did nothings changed. it would be like rewinding to last year and hitting play. i cant do it. i dont want to do it. i know that i wont tell him when im sober im just going to have to delete his number when im going out so that im not tempted to text him. good plan bec. way to be the friend.
even if i did deserve him and things had changed im moving to brisbane in less than a year. im not a fan of egg-timer relationships myself.
somethings wrong im being too rational.

well its 1 AM. im going to bed (more rationalness?!?!)
i dont even know what im doing tomorrow. guess i should probably check my exam timetable (and again?!?!)
tata xx

p.s. ohhhh-emmmm-geeeeee i saw harry potter at the staff screening last night :D:D:D and its... ohhhh-emmmm-geee.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

a little less respectable, a little less understandable

i feel weird that i havent told nomy about tom. i always tell her everything, shes one of my best friends, but i just dont think she would react well to the whole tom thing. i think i would loose massive respect points from her if i told her. we’re just really different like that. she doesnt really get with boys or get drunk. she sees thingslike that as pointless. but they arent pointless to me. but she doesnt see that. gosh i dont know. i want to tell her. but i dont think i will. unless it comes up in conversation. cause i dont want to lie to her.
i almost kind of understand how hannah treated sappho when they stopped being friends. hannah was changing and she didnt think that sappho would understand why hannah was changing and into new things. so she ended it first. probably not the best way to handle it cause it might have worked after all. but still i can see the thought process behind it. but im going to do it my way.

on friday i got up at 1 PM :) then watched the secret life of bees while getting ready for work. on the way to work me and mum got in this massive fight and she said that "i could never come home again blah blah blah". i got into work and hid my tears, being stealth like i am and all, then walked to the back room ready to have a massive cry. i walked into the back room and nic and brad are there. instant happy. cause i didnt want them to fuss. brad finished half an hour after i started so we didnt get to talk much but it was still good to see him :) then the rest of work was boring. dad picked me up from work and just as i got home sister sarah texted me saying that she was having a shindig at hers so i lied to dad, told him that i forgot that it was sister sarahs birthday and apologised for not being able to come to his that night. so i got ready for sister sarahs, other sarah picked me up, picked sister sarah up on the way there and went to hers. ron ron was already there cause he got the times mixed up :) then reiss, nick and tom arrived. me and other sarah decided to go on a secret maccas run that turned out to not be so secret when sister sarah told the boys where wed gone. so when we got back to sister sarahs we had to lock ourselves in other sarahs car to avoid them eating our food. but they eventually got in and tom put his feet in my face :( not cool. then ben came. then later on ricky, ryan, julian and adam arrived. we found out luke is in malaysia for a holiday, which explains why we haven’t seen him in forever. adam was drunk and suggested that we go swimming so ron ron stips down to his jocks and goes in, followed by adam. then ron ron got out, the boys grabbed adams clothes and all but one towel and locked adam outside. gosh it was halarious. after a while we felt bad and let him back inside. then he accidentally dropped his towel and he had an erection!! funniest thing ever. ohh but poor adam he was so embarrassed. but i still don’t get why he got one!! i dont get it!! then sister sarahs mum got home and even though she had told sister sarah that she could have people over, that there was only 10 of us, that we were all in reasonable control and that we hadn’t made any mess she went off at sister sarah :( sister sarah got really sad and after cleaning everything up she just went to her room. tom, ron ron and reiss left soon after that. i chilled with nick and we had epic talks about sex, and relationships and things. it was quite nice :) then tom came back and asked nick if he really needed him to drive him home in the morning cause hed just found a way home. nick said he didnt so tom left again. when me and nick were talking he kept on saying how he wanted to sleep next to other sarah tonight, that he didnt care what else happened tonight as long as he ended up sleeping next to her. when he said this to her she said that they couldnt cause sister sarahs mum would be angry and think that things happened. so nick decided that he wanted to walk home :( it was sweet of him to be that upset that he couldnt sleep next to other sarah but it was still a bit extreme. so then he left and we went to bed. ohh and i was texting brad throughout the night but after a few texts he didnt text back so i figured he passed out. at about 6 AM Saturday morning brad text me saying “sorry luv i fell asleep” even though he woke me up i really wanted to text him back and talk. it took like all my self-control to not text him back. my whole body was tense, excited. i think ive really got myself in deep here.

on saturday other sarah dropped me at the plaza on her way home. i had subway and zarraffas for breakfast :) best ever. i text seth and we started talking :) it was good to catch up. then i went to work to drop off my stuff cause i started at 11. when i got there it turned out that the computers had crashed the night before and we were going to have to do all manual sales which id never done before. and our cash draw wouldnt open cause you have to go through the computers to open it. so yeah i was stressing majorly. but when i got in at 11 everything had just been fixed :) ohh and when i was shopping I brought a new bra with butterflies on it and half of nutters birthday present, a best friends photo frame. work was okay. not as fun as it would have been if i was with jess g but still okay. then dad picked me up, we went to mums to pick up my stuff and we went to his. i got home and went straight to sleep, i was so tired. then i woke up and realised that there was people over which pretty much means that i wasnt allowed to leave my room until they were gone. so i text jess g and we chatted for a bit. then the people left so i went out and had a banana, a glass of water and went to bed. well no thats not completely true i stayed awake for a bit listening to music and hoping brad would text me but after a while i accepted that he wouldnt so then i went to bed.

this morning i got up early and went to underwater world to get nutters birthday present (one free entry) then dad dropped me at the plaza. i got nutter a card and shopped at other sarahs work. found the nicest top, it made me look really skinny, but i dont really need it so didnt get it. then i went to work. i was so excited cause i was working with chloe but i had to stay in the back room for most of my shift to transfer in consolidations. me and sash chatted more about mum, it was good to have someone to talk to. then i went home and slept a little before going to nutters birthday dinner at hathi. i got there and mark, yamika, jackson, todd and josh were there. soon after nutter and jake turned up and she was sad cause jake was being rude. i cant believe that he was being rude to her on her birthday!! sometimes he shits me. and it shits me even more that she sits there and takes it, she never says anything to him ever. so we went inside and sat down. then katie arrived. ugh. we all decided that we were going to have buffet so I had butter chicken and a cheese nan :) yum i love indian :) we all chilled after that as people drifted home. then mum came to pick me up. nutter told me when we had a moment alone (cause she hasn’t told jake yet) that she applied to the army gap year thing. im real excited that shes making steps towards her future. not to be a bitch but I don’t know how much of a chance she has. its just that shes not very fit. but i mean that could change. she could change it. then i got home and talked to brad on the net for a bit :) and im still talking to the zacks and nick.

ricky has called me like every night just to chat/see whats happening for the past five nights. its weird. its not like we’re tight or anything. and the conversations only last like a couple of minutes. i dont get it.

until recently i never realised how bad i treated brad. other sarah was talking about “the line” the other day. y’know the line where you can dance with guys or hug guys one way but if anything else happens you’re crossing the line. i never even had a line! the weekend after i told brad that I cheated on him with luke, after id cried for ages and felt terrible about what i had done, i was spooning with riley! i never even thought of that as anything but I can guarantee that brad never did anything like that with any other girl but me and if hed seen me doing it then he would have been hell cut. with every reason to be as well. i feel so guilty. i really didnt deserve him. and i still don’t. so really even if im completely in love with him i shouldnt tell him until i think that i can be faithful cause i would never want to hurt him again.
thank god i never dated tom. i couldnt stand hurting him either.

well that’s all.
i know i said that id put the photos from jess and jess’s going away party but i just cant be bothered.
night all xx