Thursday, July 16, 2009

do the whirlwind

if the whirlwind was a dance move (and the song Do The Whirlwind by Architecture in Helsinki seems to suggest so) then after today i have mastered it.

started off the morning by hating school for being so early and myself for staying up so late. nothing unusual.
got to school and was surprisingly unemotional. possibly a reaction to the stress of exam block but im not entirely sure. then i did school work but i wasnt able to put much effort in. thats unusual. in exam block im normally an all-guns-blazing kind of girl but i really got shit all done today.
then at 1 i called mum to see if she would come and pick me up and come with me to the plaza to get my new ipod. very unusual since thats such a lazy thing to do and also cause it involved spending time with mum.
i brought my ipod and was excited but didnt really show it on the outside. unusual again. normally when i get something new and something that i really love im squealing and jumping and constantly holding it. extreme, basically. but i was just medium this time. dont get me wrong i love my new ipod but i just dont feel like showing it at the moment.
then i got home and got on the net. elliot came online and i started talking to him to see how bali is and whatnot as well as trying to score myself some prezzies. not unusual. i love elliot, as a friend. then we were talking and he started saying things like "i dont have a chance with you do i?" not unusual we always joke about things like that. so i made a joke about how im becoming a hermit. not unusual. then elliot said "wow that was actually a really nice way to let me down it didnt hurt as much lol" he was being serious. unusual to the extreme. well no, not really at all actually, but i just never thought of him like that so i never thought of him thinking of me like that. hes just so innocent. which is what i told him, that id corrupt him, that id take away his innocence and everything. he said that he wanted me to, he begged me to. then i said i couldnt cause id probably just end up cheating on him which would make him hate me and ruin our friendship. to which he replied that he didnt care, he would cherish the time that he had me and things like that. i kept on saying that i couldnt. then he stopped talking to me. im devastated. as much as i complained about him sometimes hes one of the best people i know, hes so genuine and sweet and pleasant and i loved talking to him about my guy problems he always said things like "you could do better" and stuff. which im now guessing he meant him.
so i changed my myspace status to "im sorry" and then "i regret it" then brad opened up a conversation on msn and asked "what do you regret?" and i said "like everything that ive done lately" then i told him the whole elliot debacle and he said it was immature to stop talking to me and just made me feel better about it. then he changed his status to "i actually miss it" so i asked him what he missed and he said "like everything" so we kept on talking about stuff but i kept on changing my myspace status every now and then to say things like "i thought i was mending but you keep putting me back to where i started" then brad changed his to "dunno what it is just cant forget and move on" so i changed mine to "im having the same problem. should we stop it or try it?" and brad changed his to "i dont know" then i changed mine to "i miss the way it used to be" and he changed his to "same" and by now i was getting pretty excited/nervous/worried. i was terrified that he talking about something else completely with someone else. so i set my status to "im too scared to say something in case you're not talking about me. wires crossed?" then he changed his to "you havent got your wires crossed" so then i was man enough to ask brad on msn "i havent got my wires crossed?" and he replied "i wouldnt say so" :) i was completely stunned. so i said "wow" cause thats all i was thinking anyway. then he was like "???" and i was like "i thought i was the only one that felt this way" and hes like "nope" :) i was completely stunned. in every scenario i had played out in my head of me admitting to him that i liked him he would let me down gently. i had no idea how to react to this, no idea what i wanted now that i had choices. so i asked him "well where do we go from here?" and he had no idea either. i asked him if he had any idea of what he wanted and he said he didnt. then he said that he had no idea what to say. so i suggest that we dont say anything, that we meet up and see how things go from there. which he agreed to :) so we're going to plan when to meet up once we know what we're doing next week :)
im so happy. but no one else will be. except nick, i told him and he was happy. that was cause he didnt know anything about everything and when i told him he still said i should give it a shot. so im going to :)
im going to go to sleep cause im going to have to be in top shape if i want to face the jury and be successful in a stay of execution tomorrow. ohh and i guess for my two exams as well.
love you xx

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