Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You're never the same person twice.

Interesting thought, huh?

current panic attack

shit shit shit fuck shit.
I'm not sure about Brae.
shit shit fuck shit shit.
Just writting that, thinking that, is making me feel sick.
How can I not be sure? I asked him out, he's absolutely amazing and I love spending time with him. In fact, I don't think its him. Fuck, I am not about to use the whole "It's not you, it's me" line. Fuck that.
It's just the whole... relationship thing. I think, subconsciously up until this point, I have been sort of waiting for us to fail. For me to mess it up, since I always do. Or to find some reason that we don't work. That he's too good for me, that I can't resist Tom, or cheating, that it's going to be so hard to be in a relationship while in Brisbane, that once I turn 18 I'm going to want to be single, that I never wanted a boyfriend, that me and Brae are so random, that he's not friends with my friends, that I don't think we are going to last forever, or even plan on getting married so there's no real point in us going out. All these thoughts are running through my head. And I saw Tom tonight. He's accepted the mission to "woo me". I hope he doesn't try. The scariest part is that, and it kills me to write it, I'm worried. Really worried. Worried that he might just succeed. I don't want to hurt Brae. I really don't. It's just... it's Tom! Tom! And what if Brae is really bad at sex? What if he's a virgin? It would make resisting Tom so much harder if Brae was bad at sex. And cause I want to wait a while before me and Brae have sex I'm going to crave it. And Tom's going to be there all the time, trying, offering. And I'll be drunk and Brae won't be there and there would be no way he would find out. It's just going to be too easy. And if the boys don't like him they are going to make him feel so uncomfortable and I'm going to want to defend him and everything, but it's the boys! They are my brothers, they have been there through everything with me. I can't not need their approval. Their approval is so important to me, more important than my families. Well, lets be honest, they are my family. And if they aren't impressed with him then I'll have to choose. Not break up with Brae, but choose when I see them cause I wouldn't be able to see them at the same time as Brae. And as bad as it might sound, I choose my boys. Everytime. And Tom already doesn't approve.
Ron Ron approves. Okay that's calmed me down.
Okay. Things are okay. Things are going to be fine.
Everything will work out.
Okay. xx

Friday, December 25, 2009

christmas just brings the best out in everyone huh?

So my Christmas was actually really good :) Mainly because Grace got kicked out. I know that might be perceived as bitchy but it was just so much more peaceful once she was gone.
She was the biggest bitch this morning. I woke her up and she said "Do you think that I care?" then rolled back over. So I went outside and started opening my presents and then she came out. She gathered up all her presents and took them to her room to open. She didn't talk to us until around lunch time when Mum tried to get her out of her room to hang out with us. She started abusing Mum and swearing at her. So then Mum told her to leave and she did. Haven't seen or heard from her since. But we didn't let it ruin our christmas!! Also Brae was being really sweet cause he thought I was upset about it and he told Sarah Jean who called to see if I was okay so we got to have epic catchups again :) All in all a successful Christmas day :)
I got a massive beach towel (not weird I actually asked for it), perfume, a over-night travel bag with like travel stuff in it, a sarong, earings, the Twilight series, money and probably other stuff I've forgotten.
Definetly not looking forward to work tomorrow. And it's not even good money cause the public holidays is on the Monday instead. But at least I'm working that too. And New Years day even though that's shit. But good pay.
Just think of the money, Bec, just think of the money.
What did you do for Christmas? Get anything awesome?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

more proof that brae is a sweetie :)

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment so I started thinking about Brae cause he makes me happy. Then I had a great idea. Why don't I write down all the amazing things he has said and done for me so that the next time I'm feeling shit I can look over it :)
So here goes :)

- Him, Jake and Toddles were abusing Jordyn over facebook (she got herself into it). Me and Brae were texting at the time and when I asked him to stop abusing her he did :) Then later he opened a conversation with "Am I in trouble?"
- Brae got a new wakeboard (before we were dating) and he said I can choose a sticker to put on it :) I've still got to choose one.
- Again, before we were dating, Brae remembered that he was meant to take me to asain a while ago. As a joke I told him that I had been waiting and he said "Have you really been waiting? I feel bad now"
- "I like your tan. So jealous"
- He's been trying to convince me to go wakeboarding. Some encouraging words "If I can learn how to do it so can you" "I'm not going to laugh at you if that's what you're worried about. I promise I won't" "Every time you fall off I'll carry your board back"
- When I needed to bitch about Taryn instead of him lecturing me or trying to give me advice he said "I totally agree!" even though he didn't know Nic or Taryn but he did know that someone agreeing with me was what I needed.
- One night when we hung out (once we started dating) he felt like he didn't talk to me enough "I was like full neglecting you last night. Hell didn't mean to. Like after we dropped youse off I was thinking to myself I hardly said a word to her all night"
- I was stressing about my OP the night before it came out. I was explaining to Brae that I was stressing cause once I have my OP then I can't deny it and he said "You won't have to deny it. It'll be epic" and "I don't really know why you're worried though. You're amazing"
- When we were working out when I was going to go over there I made him choose what time I was coming over and he chose night time :)
- When he was telling me a secret thing he said "You can't tell anyone. Except maybe the Sarahs as long as they promise not to tell anyone" He understands how things are with me and the Sarahs :)
- Brae was watching a doco on these birds that fluff themselves up and dance to attract mates. He was paying them out and I told him that I always do that to get boys and it's how I got him. To this he answered "Whatever you did, you did it well"
- He was going to come visit me at work the other day. He said coming to see me "would have been worth the walk/wait"
- "Hey babe"
- When I told him that I wasn't getting into Uni he said "What :(? That's fucked. Wow. I don't really know what to say. You were so set on that. I'm sorry" Even though there was absolutely nothing he could do and he didn't say that much, he still made me feel better.
- Brae quotes "Hairchef" "I used to be incest with dolphins" "food room thing"
- "I'm going to come visit you on boxing day. Just throwing it out there"
- I was insulting my sister and showing him halarious photos of her that I found and he said "I'd say something like rats hang around in dirty places but I don't know if that's called for so I'll just quote it" He was worried about hurting my feelings :)
- He told me he's going to try to cheer me up tomorrow :) He also tried to cheer me up tonight by saying "If it makes you feel any better, which I doubt it will, on youtube a guy got crapped on by a horse" It made me feel better :)
- I always explain myself. After explaining myself before he said "You're not on trial. You don't have to explain why"
- We were talking about New Years and when I asked if he had plans he said "My plan is to have some drinks and hopefully see you" :) I'm going to try my hardest to have one of those hell romantic movie kisses just as the clock strikes new year :)
- "That reminds me, whats your home number?"
- "Am I allowed to buy you a present?" "I ran out of ideas when Sarah Jean told me that Gossip Girl season 3 isn't out on dvd yet. FML. Hint hint." He had a whole plan worked out "That totally ruined my plan. I was going to rock up at Rivers, with a huge box, wrapped up and shit, with just a dvd inside. It would have been classic."
- When I stayed at his house I asked him about WOW. He was so embarrassed it was so weird (in a good way) that he cares that much about what I think of him. When someone came on Vent and started talking to him about WOW he was like "Shut up! Shut up! My girlfriends here!" He called me his girlfriend :) Pretty sure I managed to convince him that I didn't mind that he played WOW though :)
- When we hung out at Sarah Jeans he put his arm around me infront of everyone and everthing :) And he held my hand :)
- He put my name in his status :)

Could I have asked for a better boyfriend?

adventures with ron ron

So me and Ron Ron had epic catchups tonight. I love our latenight sessions, we always end up doing something great :)
Tonight he picked me up at 6 and off we went to do his Christmas shopping. Somehow ended up in Kawana, then we were half way to Sister Sarahs house before turning around to go back to Ron Rons to get pavlova that he had made for me and Sister Sarah. Got alcohol and drug tested on the way. Got to Sister Sarahs, ate amazing pavlova and chilled. He's the best.
I've decided Brae is a real sweetie :) I saw today that he has put my name in his MSN name :) Some people might think it's kind of juvinile or whatever but personally I love all that cheezey adolescent stuff :) I mean I never had a boyfriend until this year so I missed out on all that stuff. We're going to the beach tomorrow. Maybe Toddles joining as well. And Ron Ron. But then also maybe Tom. I can see it turning out to be me, Brae and Tom. Holy awkward. I was talking to Ron Ron tonight about Brae and how it's going to be when the boys meet him. I'm stressing that Riess and Tom will like... bring up the whole me and Tom thing up. I'm pretty sure Brae doesn't know about all that and while it would be better that he found out from me rather than them infront of everyone... I don't want to tell him! I have no idea how he's going to react about all of it. And it's going to be so awkward telling him! ARGH! I can ask Tom not to say anything and I think he won't. I've already asked Ron Ron but I don't think he would have anyways. Riess on the other hand is a different matter. If I ask him to not say anything he's just going to do it worse. And I don't feel comfortable enough to just hope that he won't say anything. Which means I'm going to have to tell Brae. Dammit.
Well that won't be tomorrow. Tom's not game enough to say things sober so at least I have until New Years to do it.
Awesome (sarcasm).

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

one of the best weeks in my life, followed by the worst

Week 1: The Great Week.

Monday Brae came over at like 8 pm cause we were cooking and I was bragging about how good my cooking was. We ate and talked and chilled all night. We were lying on my bed talking and then he started holding my hand :) I gave him a bit of a lead to ask me out by telling him that he was giving me butterflies and that he makes me nervous. Did he take the hint? No. So later on we were talking about eyes. Brae's eyes had changed since schoolies (they were a really blue, blue at schoolies and at my house they were green) so then (and I know this sounds really cheezy) we were lying there staring into each others eyes for ages. It took me so long to work up the courage to ask him out but I finally did it... and he said definetly :) best answer ever! Then he said that he should have asked me out but I told him that this way I win haha :) then we went to sleep cause it was like 4 in the morning.

Tuesday I had to work at 12 so me and Brae hung out in the morning. He walked me to work and kissed me goodbye :) Work was good, Sarah Jean came to visit me when I was on my break. OMG she gave me the best reaction about Brae and me :) It pretty much went "Are you and Brae dating?" from Sarah Jean and when I said yes, she screamed at me, jumped on me and wrapped her legs around me. It was halarious :) The rest of work was pretty good. That night I went to Naomis. It was halarious at hers, we just hung out and caught up it was really good :)

Wednesday Naomis Aunt, Uncle and cousins came up. I made friends with her cousins (they are like six and seven or something). They were the funniest kids and her Aunty and Uncle were really cool. At about midday Murrays best friend Pete came over and they all started drinking. Then I was invited to stay. So we drank with the men :) I was talking about how I was one of the boys in my group and they started hassling me, telling me that I was too little to be one of the boys. When I asked them how I could prove it to them they told me "Drink us under the table." Mission Accepted :) I have to say I did a pretty good job too, they were impressed :) Yepp don't really remember that much of that night. Sarah Jean picked us up to go to Thai with Elke, Steph, Mel and Ron Ron. Thai was pretty good from what I remember of it. Me and Naomi went to buy drinks cause I felt bad that I was drinking all their stuff. We pretended to be Lady GaGa on the way there :) and we stayed dead quiet on the way past the cop shop for no apparent reason. And the spoon... ahahaha :) The car ride home was pretty fun :) and when we got to Naomis London Underground was playing :) Can you see why I love Naomis family? They officially adopted me that night as well :) So many funny things happened at Naomis. Her Aunty with the almonds and the weights :) and Sam dropping the weights on her foot. Pete trying to ride his bike home, Sams dancing. Kailyn told me some... interesting stuff as well. I don't know if I've mentioned this but Naomis family seems to think that shes a slut which is like the complete opposite of what Naomis like. And they say it to her face too. When Naomi got back from Morton Sam asked her "Did you loose anything else at schoolies?" It really hurts Naomi, shes called me up crying and stuff. Then that night Kaitlyn told me that she had random sex with a guy from work. She also made me promise not to tell. But apart from the fact that Naomi is my friend and that I should tell her, if Naomi knew that it would help her defend herself when her Mum and sister attacked next. Oh dear. Anyways once we were all ready to go to bed Naomi started being sick. I have a feeling I got really protective over her and like wouldn't let her parents look after her haha. Man she was so sick, she has the weakest stomach.

Thursday I hung out at Naomis until Kaitlyn dropped me at work :) Poor Naomi, she was so sick :( And again her family were being rude about it. Work was good :) When I finished work I met up with Sarah Jean, Ron Ron and Brent. That was fun too :) Then Sarah Jean got invited to go to Toddles house with me so we went and picked up Brae. Jake was there as well so me, Sarah Jean, Toddles, Brae and Jake hung out. We were chilling in Sarah Jeans room and Brae put his arm around me, infront of everyone and everything :) Then we went to blow shit up. It didn't actually work for whatever reason so we went to the park. Brae held my hand whenever we walked anywhere :) At around 1 we decided that we should go home so the boys walked us back. I love goodbye kisses :) Me and Sarah Jean had epic megorin when we got home, it was amazing :)

Friday I worked which was good. When I finished work I walked past Kamaras work (as I've been doing every time I was at the plaza cause we hadn't seen each other since graduation) and she was there! We had epic hugs and catchups. I ended up sitting behind the counter and chatting with her and Diane. Kamara also taught me till, just for kicks :) Jess Lee came to visit and since it was close to the end of Kamaras shift she waited around with us. We got subway, chilled and then me and Kamara caught the bus to her house to hang out more. It was so good :) Then I went home and just chilled there. I was going to go out but I have another boil thing on my leg like the one I had on my underarm at schoolies and the only thing on was a party ages away so I didn't bother.

Week 2: The Worst Week. Ever.

Saturday Op's came out. After getting my pin and whatnot I found out I got a 13. I don't think I've ever been more dissapointed in myself. I cried for so long. Even thinking about it now I'm on the verge of crying. I have been ever since I saw that number. Mum got up while I was getting ready for work and I wanted to see if she would remember that OPs came out that day. She didn't. When I was kind of being rude to her she got angry at me and told me that I was always angry at her for no reason. Way to improve my mood Mum, can't even tell if I've been crying and am upset. Went to the plaza early cause I had to do Christmas shopping. Let me tell you, it's horrible going Christmas shopping when you're in a shit mood. Everthing seems worse than it already is. There were Christmas carrolers in the plaza and they finished a song with "and thank the Lord Jesus" just as I walked past. I faced them, said "Fuck Jesus" and walked off. Yeah, I was in a scary bad mood. I was at the point where if I had the chance I would have gone around destroying my life, burning every bridge possible. Sarah Jean text me "7!" I really wish I could have been excited for her but there was no way anything else was penetrating my unhappiness that day. Then Sister Sarah called me and as soon as I answered I started crying and told her that I wasn't getting into Uni. She asked where I was and came to get me. It was good telling somebody, kind of. I didn't really cry once she came cause I don't cry in front of people but as soon as she left I started again. Then I had to go into work. Man that was bad. When I got in I went to the back room and Gail was out there on her break. I was pretty upset so I was a bit rude and just kind of put my apron on and left. I got out the front to clock on and Taryn asked me what was wrong. Then I started crying, again *sigh*. Taryn was really nice she said I could go home if I wanted but I told her I wanted to stay, that I needed something to take my mind off it. Dad called while I was at work. He, unlike Mum, remembered what day OPs came out and asked me. That set me off again. But it was actually really cool of him to remember :) All through out that day I was a bit of a wreck. I would be fine for a bit and then something else would hit me, or I would just remember again, have a moment of reflection and then BAM I was in tears again. Mum asked me on the way home from work why I was angry so I told her about my OP. She tried to make me feel good but the way I see it, I don't really deserve to feel better about it cause it's my own fault that I got a bad score. I talked to Brae that night and he actually did make me feel a little bit better.

Sunday Jaqui held a catch up session for the girls :) It would have been really good if, yknow, we hadn't got our OPs the day before so therefore it was pretty much all that any body was talking about. I was considering telling people that I hadn't done the Smart OP just so I could pretend for one more day but I decided not to cause I'm a bad liar. It was good at Jaqui's, just really hard when everyone did really well and were all going into the Uni courses that they wanted to go to. I tried to be enthusiastic for all of them though. Sunday night I went to Kamaras and we went to see the Christmas lights down at the church. That was actually okay. Good by the standards of how I had been feeling. I almost forgot about OPs and Uni and everything. We had an epic sword balloon fight in front of everyone :) Then we went to the park and talked for ages. She cried about Jackson. Fuck I hate him. I hope he stays away for good this time.

Monday me and Sister Sarah went shopping. Once again, an okay day but good by standards. We saw Avatar and I think I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like it. When I got home I got a text from Nick "Hey guys, just letting everyone know I'm moving to Sydney tomorrow morning. If you wanted to come visit I'll be home from six to eightish tonight. xx" I started crying. Again. I couldn't believe it. I actually deluded myself into thinking that he was playing a joke on everyone until I called him. He wasn't kidding. There was no joke. He's gone to Sydney and I didn't get to say goodbye. He's gone and I'm probably never going to see him again. I'm never going to get to cook with him again. I'm never going to have someone I can call anytime I need to get out of the house. I'm never going to get to pretend I'm a paraplegic with him. I'm never going to get to go clubbing with him. I'm never going to be able to go to Chinese with him. I'm never going to know if he approves of Brae. I don't have Nick anymore. For the second time in three days I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. For the second time in three days I've found something that can bring me to tears as soon as I start thinking about it. Fuck, I'm crying now for fucks sake. It was actually a little scary when I was crying about Nick. I couldn't control my breathing at all, I thought I was going to pass out cause I couldn't get enough oxygen in. Once I had cleaned myself up I went to Braes. It was good at his house. It's so weird when I'm with him. The good kind of weird. It's like everything is going to be fine, that nothing is wrong or bad. It's kind of like being in our own little world. Once I was at his house there was no tears and I didn't feel half as bad. I love being around him. He makes things better. Or seem better. Whatever, either way he helped me so much that night.

So here I am. Up a boyfriend and an adopted family. Down a future plan and a best friend. It's hard to know what to feel. It's mainly sadness I think.
I don't even know what I'm meant to do about Uni. Nick was the person I was going to talk it over with cause he's been on both sides of the fence with that kind of stuff.
This is impossible.

Monday, December 14, 2009


I'm so upset that I'm not going. Did I mention this? Yeah I'm hoping to move out by January 14th so I'm going to need about a grand. Woodford would mean spending roughly $400 and missing one of the busiest weeks of work. So yeah, no Woodford :( I am beyond devestated. And now I'm sitting in my room listening to Paul Dempsey. Not good. And even worse I'm thinking about the weekend. Really not good

Friday night we went to Marks for drinks. I found out Ron Ron had told Tom about Brae. Then they both realised who Brae was and they weren't impressed. Me and Tom talked about everything and we decided it wasn't awkward :) Ron Ron kept on trying to make it awkward and we just didn't care. Tom talked to me about how he's stressing that next year is going to be a bad year. Ron Ron and Tom have this thing where one of them will have a good year and the other will have a bad year. Two years ago Tom had sex with Tash and many other bad things happened. Ron Ron just had a ball of a year, got laid the most etc. etc. This year Ron Ron got mugged, hasn't had sex in eight months, drunk drove over someone and therefore lost his license and was fired. This year Tom started uni, turned 18, his sex life improved etc. etc. So Tom thinks its his turn next year. He's also found a place to stay when he moves to Brisbane. The boys were being pretty mean about where me and Sarah Jean want to move. She was getting stressed :( Tom spent the entire night trying to convince me to have sex with him. It was kind of nice to be desired like that but I didn't really want to cause of Brae and everything. When we got back to my house Tom claimed a spot on my bed, then eventually Sarah Jean and Ron Ron went to the other room to sleep. Tom was actually really sweet about it he let me think about it and didn't push me. I thought it over and decided it was okay because I'm going to miss being single once I'm in a relationship. It was pretty good :) it was a little weird though cause whenever he looked at me (there isn't enough light to see properly normally) he would get this really awkward look on his face and look away. Is my orgasm face that bad? I don't feel guilty that I did it but I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty if that makes sense?
On Saturday morning I found out that Sarah Jean and Ron Ron had a bet going about whether me and Tom would have sex. Sarah Jean owed Ron Ron a Maccas meal. Work was pretty good, I've started liking Taryn a little more and I was working with Katie and Chloe. Taryn was a tool at the end of the day though she forgot to give us keys to lock up the shop when she left. Tool. That night we went to Marks again for cocktail night :) man that was a drunken night. All I could drink for $15... challenge accepted. Yeah so don't really remember much. Ron Ron was trying to teach me poker. Failed miserably. I got with Tom again but it was just when they were about to go clubbing. Drunken me was undeterred and attempted to blow Tom on the drive way. When everyone was at the bottom of the drive way. I think I just broke the slut scale. Oh well. Then me and Brae were texting. This is how it went.
Me: How do you feel about me?
Brae: Hopefully the same way you feel about me
Me: That's not an answer?!
Brae: You already know I really like you
Me: Like me like that way?
Brae: I'm not sure what way you mean, but I mean in the best possible way
Me: That's still not a proper answer. Which kind of like?
Brae: I don't know how to word it, I wanna say love but I don't wanna get it all wrong and have you stop talking to me
Me: I would never stop talking to you :) loves a pretty powerful word...?
Brae: Like I said, didn't know how to word it
Me: Wow
Brae: What?
Me: I expected you to use the whole I love you... as a friend line
Brae: Did I make a mistake?
Me: No, not at all
Brae: Do I still get to see you tomorrow?
Me: Of course!
Brae: :) that's a relief
Me: Aww don't stress!
Brae: I'm trying not to haha
Me: Well nothing you could say would make me want to avoid you or whatever

So I probably should have reacted better to him telling me he loved me. Fail. And I definetly should have said that I like him back. Epic fail

Sunday me and Brae were meant to hang out but then he was shitty so he went wakeboarding. Then tonight he talked to me and asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I don't get it?! Boys are so confusing! So yeah we're hopefully hanging out tomorrow. I'm going to ask him out :) gosh I'm so nervous, I feel very... schoolgirl. Also I've decided that I'm not aloud to get more than tipsy if I'm not around Brae. I'm not going to hurt him, I don't care if that means that my weekends have to get quieter. And also it gives me more insentive to get Brae invited to my parties :) 

Well I'm going to try to calm down now and go to sleep.
Wish me luck!

Friday, December 11, 2009

in regards to the last post

That probably read like me and Brae are already dating. We aren't, I just can see it happening soon. He was so awkward around Tom and everyone today. He was fine when we were at the beach he just went quiet when we got to Tom's house (oh yeah, and he met Tom :S). I'm hoping that because he was good at the beach that means that, in time, he can get better around my friends. It was a bit harsh as well, that I brought him and Todd to hang out with my friends when we aren't even dating. That's an obligation for a boyfriend, not for a friend. I just don't want things to turn out like things did with me and Brad. I want a boyfriend that is friends with my friends. I want to be able to bring him to parties with me (not just because I'm a little scared I'm going to cheat but because most of my time is spent with the people I party with and if I can bring a boyfriend to parties then me, the boyfriend and the friends can all hang out whenever). I want... I just want things to be good! I deserve a bit of good, dont I? I mean I like Brae, I really do, I just don't know if I'm ready for another failed relationship. I'm the type of person that looks at every possibly outcome before deciding and the pessimist side of me is telling me that this will all end in tears. I just need to believe my possitive side for a bit and hope that things work out. I should probably do the same with the wakeboarding thing (Brae wants to take me wakeboarding but he's like pro and I've never done it before) since he really wants to take me and all.
Oh things seem so hard sometimes! And I haven't even put Rhysiepoo into the equation yet. Argh.

do you ever feel

Like you're repeating your mistakes? Do you have a life-long sense of dejavu?
That's sort of what I'm feeling about the whole Brae situation. We hang out a couple of times, we drunkenly hook-up a couple of times, we text a lot and then we're dating. We don't hang out enough to see if it'll work, drunken hook-ups mean next to nothing and we text way to much to be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. We aren't friends with each others friends and we're awkward when we hang out with each others friends. We are at completely different stages in our lives. Things are about to change dramatically.
There's that and there are so many more things to ponder but we aren't doing that, we're just diving in head first. I know that it's meant to be all romantic and that I should just go with the flow and that I'm thinking too far ahead but alls I can think is that I've been down this road before and it doesn't end well. Not at all.
Let's just hope it's different this time.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

cleaning my room vs. blogging

Yeah who do you think won?

So anyways CJs was pretty good :) Brae and Toddles didn't end up coming each for different reasosn. It was still pretty awkward between me and Rhysiepoo :( but Glen was there and i was stoaked! It was my first time trying it through a pipe and I failed for a while until I got the hang of it. Rhysiepoo had one and then was out then Jake had a couple and decided he didn't like it. Sarah Jean has the funniest high face ever :) When she gets high its the same as when she's drunk, she goes from nothing to completely gone; there's no inbetween. She went to bed at about two cause she had to drive in the morning. Me, CJ and Glen stayed up until five just talking shit, it was so much fun. CJ got a bit mad at me cause of Brae which sucks but oh well.
I don't really know if I like being high. I like not caring about anything and all the freedom that comes along with that. But I don't like the come down. I'm just dead quiet and boring and alls I want to do is sleep. I don't like that part. I don't know if it's worth it. Either way I definetly like being drunk more so I'll do that more than smoking.
Ohh and more on the Brae situation. Me and Toddles were talking today and he said "You and Brae huh?" so we got talking about it. I asked him if Brae was more of a casual hook up person or a relationship person cause I'd been wondering for a while. Toddles said "Neither from what I've seen. He's been keen on a relationship and he likes you alot." So stoaked :) We were meant to go to the movies today but Mum said I had to clean my room before I went anywhere. So pretty much I'll be stuck in my room until i move out at this rate.
I think I'm going to ask Brae out. Isn't that exciting! I'm finally moving forward :) I just don't know how I'm going to tell Tom / how Tom's going to take it. I hope it doesn't change our friendship or anything. Man boys create messes don't they?

Monday, December 7, 2009


So things are a little confusing. After me and Brae hooked up at schoolies we spent like all day every day talking on msn or texting. I found out heaps about him, we actually like a lot of the same stuff, have a lot in common and I love talking to him. I can have conversations with him that I can't have with anybody else. They're ridiculous, absurd and some of the most intersting conversations I've ever had. I decided I probably like him. Also Toddles told me that Brae used to like me. Then last night me and Sarah Jean were invited around to Toddles house for a chill session. Brae came too. I got way too drunk but aside from that me and Brae hooked up again. Like for most of the night. I'm not sure if I told him anything, I hope I didn't. While I like him, we don't hang out. I want to change that but I don't want to give any indication that there's more incase we hang out and things don't work.
Oh dear!
Worst of all tonight Cjs having a thing. Me, Brae and Rhysiepoo are all going to be in the same room while getting high. Anyone else see that working out horribly? I've just got to be on my best behaviour tonight because I don't want to hurt Rhysiepoo. Or make him madder at Brae (yehh he's really mad at Brae, he had a go at him at schoolies).
I'll keep you posted. xx
P.S: haha Sarah Jean and Toddles hooked up. LOL.

more of week epic that i forgot

I can't believe I forgot to mention the boy aspect of schoolies! That's like one of the main things about schoolies at the Gold Coast, fortunately or not. 
Alright so I did mention Jack on the first night.
I think it was the second night that a guy came up to me and said "I haven't had my first schoolies pash yet." Sadly enough, this line did work on me. Just a hook up though. And I'm pretty sure he was a toolie. Ahh, well. Also that night I saw Luke for a minute, like literally a minute and he made out with me. Then I said "Luke! You have a girlfriend!" and he said "She's not as sexy as you." What a mess.
The Evolution night I hooked up with somebody on the dancefloor. He wasn't attractive. I didn't even realise what I was doing and once I did i pulled away.
I think it was the next night that I danced sexy. Oh dear. That was one of my drunkest nights. I never dance sexy or anything like it. But I did that night. God I bet I looked disgusting. Anyways I danced with Brae, but just dancing.
The next night I decided I didn't like Rhysiepoo more than a friend. CJ said it was best that him and Jake tell him so they did while I was in their apartment. That was pretty aweful. Rhysiepoo had already drunk too much and passed out that night so it probably wasn't the best time to tell him. But at least it was done. That night i hooked up with Brae but only once before completely freaking out and literally running away. Gosh I'm embarrassing. I appologised later.
The last day Brae and Jake came up to our apartment and me and Brae probably spent about an hour hooking up :) he's lovely.

Well that's all of it. You might be shocked and whatever cause according to the boys one isn't good enough for schoolies but I don't care. I didn't go down there to get with every boy i saw, I went there to have a good time and that's what i did.

Friday, December 4, 2009

journal scrapbook

So do you remember how I said I was going to start a sort of half-journal, half-scrapbook thing a while ago? Well guess what I did today? I brought a "Visual Diary". Or that's what it says on the cover anyways. It's A4 size, has 120 pages and is acid free (I think that has something to do with helping photos to stay good).
I'm actually really excited about this. Then again who knows, it'll probably be something I'm interested in for about a month and then I'll get sick of it. But oh well I'm interested now!
I don't think I'm going to put anything on the cover. If I do it'll only be twothousandandten I'm pretty sure.
On the front page there's going to be pictures of me as I am now. At parties, at the beach, ones I take myself; just photos of me. With a big BEC in the middle. Appropriate, no?
From there I'm just going to start with my New Years resolutions, my plans/hopes for the year ahead and what I did for New Years. If I can help it, nothing in this journal scrapbook will be about last year. I want this to be about the new me, my new start and my new life. I'm going to put in events, diary entries, things that inspire me, pictures of my life and anything else I can find really. It sounds pretty good, huh?
Also you might have noticed that my grammer and whatnot is a lot better. I know that I have pretty bad grammer and spelling but I'm trying to fix it. After all, practice makes perfect.
Well it's 3'oclock, I'm going to bed. Night xx

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

operation week epic continued

so yeah friday was graduation :) where do i even begin?
in the morning i met up with britta and everyone to open the time capsule that we made at the start of the year. omg i was so lame. ahhhhh it was halarious :) once we read them and whatever it was time to go down to graduation. i wasn't even excited about graduating until we started walking down to the hall. then it hit me. after that i couldn't even keep my voice at an outside level it was at an orbiting-earth-level. constantly. dad was there which was really great cause i thought he might not show. we all hung out the front talking, signing shirts, taking photos, meeting parents and just screaming at each other cause we were graduating. then it was time to go in and on my seat there was a card with my name on it. turns out mrs ritcher (my form teacher) has made everyone cards and written a message in them. mine was funny it was about how i always swear and fall asleep in class :) classic :) then the ceremony started. i can't believe how... not interesting but less boring it was when it was the real thing. when the first class got up to get their certificates i started crying and pretty much didn't stop for the rest of it. jorgo made a lame speach as per usual, the captains speach was good, chappys was nice and our video dominated all of it :) when i was standing up on stage i couldn't stop moving. deadset i couldn't have controlled my body even if i'd tried to. i saw rhody and sarah jean laughing at me but in a good way :) when the ceremony finished everyone that was in the hall stood in a line and gave the year 12s a guard of honour our of the hall. that moment was just... both the most freeing and scary moment of my life. that moment was the moment i graduated, the moment i started the rest of my life. it was the moment i left everything i loved and hated behind and started everything that i have no idea about yet. ive never cried so hard. and all the silly parents took photos when i looked so gross. oh well.
then we went to the beach. in short maroochy high dominated the beach. there was another school in the water when we got there. by the time half the school was there, they were out of the water. but oh no we weren't done yet. later they tried to get in front of the tv crews. the whole grade got out of the water and ran infront of them. we also chanted many times. our chants included "mdore", "fuck you" and "moist". that's how classy we are. we also showed our classyness when every girl had their top ripped open. it pretty much went "why is your shirt not ripped? *rip* " other schools came later but they had no chance either :) as i said we dominated. i took heaps of photos but ill only put them up (along with my formal photos) once i have my schoolies photos cause after all it was week epic :) then we went to maccas. ahhh fun fun :) zak had the best reaction to nutter there. she was wearing her togs underneath her shirt when we were at the beach but when we got to maccas shes had changed out of her togs into her bra to wear without her shirt. once we explained it to zak there was a full five second pause before a completely confused look and (in a high pitched voice) "WHAT?" best reaction ever :) and then rhysiepoo secretly took sarah jeans keys and drove her car. her reaction beat zaks :)
then we went schoolies food shopping. my work people and other people at the plazas reactions to three girls completely dripping with ripped shirts and skirts hitched up so they don't get caught in their legs gave us almost a better reaction than sarah jean or zak. shopping was actually really nice people were talking to us and asking us how graduation was and what we're doing for schoolies and things. it was like we were instantly adults, not silly children anymore. i had to go to the doctors after which was a bit lame but oh well.

saturday i woke up late so i made us a little late haha :) yes i made us late for schoolies :) sarah jean came and picked me up and after packing all my stuff in we went to sister sarahs. after tetrising all our stuff into moses (sarah jeans car) we were off. we went to visit the sarahs friend ollie on the way cause he lives in brisbane. he was pretty cool. we were going to visit monica as well but we couldnt be bothered. the drive was pretty good but longgggg.
now im going to break down schoolies into parts cause it was so huge.

the hotel: surf city motel, room 201.
what a hole. the room was a kitchen and bedroom combined with a bathroom off to the side. we had two balconies but we were lucky. we had two forks, two knives, two spoons, two plates and three tea cups. and no stove. but we had a microwave!!.... that didnt work properly. as i said: what a hole. but the people at the hotel were great! best neighbours and security guards you could ask for. and we were really close to everything. i liked it, i wouldnt change it at all. staying a dump i can tolerate, staying in a boring place would be horrible.

the people: the good.
im going to do some shout outs to some amazing people i met while at schoolies.
room 202 - our neighbours. these guys were sick and really friendly :) it was hell good talking over our balconies to each other. cody especially - he didnt know that we knew but we knew about everything that had happened to him in the past month and the fact that he is such an up beat and glass-half-full person still is truely inspiring.
room 207 (i think) - more neighbours. they were pretty cool too. i walked into their room and they offered me a smoke before they knew my name. very cool.
room 105 - our new neighbours. nino, jacob, jack, jelly, dom, pedo bear and probably other people. these people were by far the best people i met at schoolies. i've never laughed harder, felt more included or been happier to meet new people. these guys came to surfers city motel half way through schoolies week cause they got kicked out of the chevron for having too many parties. they came from one of the nicest places in surfers paradise to our dump. and not only were all of them loosing their bond they have to pay more. $1600 bond and they have to pay more. do i really need to say anymore? nino was drunk at least 95% of the time i saw him. he was the funniest kid. he had a broken arm so of course one of the first things we asked him was how he broke it. after lots of "you should have seen the other guy" nonsense he finally told us the story. it was the second day of schoolies and after the party they had in their room finished nino looked around and saw that everybodies ipods, phones and wallets were missing. he was very drunk, got really angry and punched a door; needless to say the door won. he walked outside to rage more, slipped on something, hit his head on the wall and blacked out for a couple of minutes. once he got back from the hospital he found out that his friend had forgotten to tell him that he hidden everyones stuff so that it didnt get stolen. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. jacbob got introduced to us with about 20 different nicknames ranging from black attack to dj shadow. shots at 10 in the morning, yes please. jack was just an amazing guitar player and singer. the first time we met him was cause we wanted to hear him play. and jelly (or elenor) was just mad. also amazing at guitar and singing and just a great person to talk to. dom is abes best friend from primary school. weird hey! ohh and btw nino went to formal with jess! weird! pedo bear... where do i start? he brought a full on bear suit on ebay a while ago and wore it for most of schoolies. like you know in theme parks and stuff those full body suits? yehh a bear one. and he wore it when he went around knocking on peoples hotel room doors, hugging people, swimming in it, going to beach parties and everything in between. he was great :) and watching him swimming in our absolutely foul pool and eating cookies and drinking drinks that we threw down to him was highly entertaining too. essentially they were the best.
jonny - our security guard. what a legend. funniest guy to talk to. and he worked from 4 pm - 4 am while working a day job. and he made all of us safe. he let sarah jean use his radio to get eddie "eddie come here jonnys scared theres been a fight he needs you here" just cause we wanted to see eddie. hes great.
eddie - our other security guard. he had the coolest accent. he let us sneak people into our building when jonny turned his back (which jonny did deliberately) "i see nuttin" :) you two were legends.
the couple (sorry guys i've forgotten your names). i was a little upset one of the nights so i left the mosh and sat on the sand bank. no sooner had i sat down that these two came and joined me, talked to me about why i was upset and once i was ready to go back to the mosh they walked me back. also they were planning on cooking the red frogs breakfast the next morning. they were some of the most genuinely nice people ever.
the people at the marriot courtyard. you lobby people were so nice :) thanks.
the red frogs. you guys were great. walking people home, high fives, breakfasts and chats. not to mention we were at your stage every single night for the beach parties :) you guys rock.
schoolies support crew. man you guys must put up with some crap. thankyou.
the police (well the nice ones). yehh same deal. you guys helped me. or tried to. thanks.
sorry if i missed anyone and if i remember ill put you in later!

there were some terrible people though. and they're getting a mention because i feel like a rant.
crazy russian bitch (i think her real name was nina). owner of the hotel. i think her name says it all.
crazy girlfriend bitch. sarah jean and a guy ford who was staying in the same hotel as us hooked up. he suggested they go back to his room and they had sex. after they finished he was like "ohh i have a girlfriend but we're on a break that was her idea. and shes staying in the same hotel" so yeh not cool but not sarah jeans fault at all. the next morning the girlfriend came and asked sarah jean about it, she was pretty cool, just wanted to know what happened. turns out they weren't on a break and ford was a lying dick. after that night the crazy girlfriend/nongirlfriend got well... crazy. trying to kick down our door and shouting abuse through it was one of the many highlights :) not good for making sarah jean feel bad though cause really she didn't do anything wrong.
the bad coppers. arresting jake for pissing in a dark alley, cmon. and the ones on horses, you guys were brutal. and the one that wanted to put that drunk girl in the paddy wagon part.
amazingly enough i think that was all the bad people i saw the entire week :)

so i cant really distinguish between many of the nights but ill try my best.
the first night ron ron, riess and adam came down. that was fun :) we got drunk and came up to their place. their place (the marriott courtyard) was so nice. its ridiculous for the price they paid. the good kind of ridiculous. pretty sure me and sarah jean talked about whether it would be too weird if i had sex with riess. oh dear. then we went back to the apartment and sister sarah started throwing up so me and sarah jean went to visit our neighbours down the hall. ended up coming back to our room with a couple of boys to check on sister sarah. the next part is just black until me and one of the guys, jack, and me are making out on the balcony. more black and then my hotel room is empty (i checked the bathroom as well). so me and jack start having sex then i hear sister sarahs voice. turns out she was on our other balcony. i freaked out, he ran out, and once i realised that sister sarah was angry she left and i started crying. sarah jean came back and made me feel better before getting sister sarah to come back and we all hugged it out. im not sure if we went to the beach party that night we probably did cause that was at like eight.
okay this planned failed. i can serperate some days but i have no idea what these days are. so lets do this differently.
one day we visited everyone at Q1. abe, kellen, callum, trentan, hannah, hannah, jess, rhody, jesse and matt were there plus other people staying there. man... just man there apartment... man. i met jess's man jaymen. they arent dating but they're close. she introduced me to him as "this is jaymen. we have sex" fuck they were drunk, it was the best. they were all really cool :) we were going to go back later but we couldnt get back in. beach party again.
one night sam came down for a night and stayed with us cause he was turning 18. that was fun :) we didnt see him much cause he wanted to go clubbing but when i woke up at 3 am he was dancing in our room :) then we played a game of who can be sneakier at annoying the other person while pretending to be asleep :) thats how good we are. that was also the night that mel took $200 of pingers and said to sam "would you laugh at me if i rolled?" and started rolling on the ground. also the same night that we went to evolution. man that was shit it was like an expensive and sweatier beach party. i remember pleading to mel "please tell me clubbing isnt this lame" cause evolution was held in a club. so we ditched and went to the beach party instead :) before we left i actually had conversations with like justin bruhn and dean scells and syd warren. weird much. haha ohh and anna tried to get me kicked out of evolution because i started abusing her about hitting tegan and then bragging about it and about her being a slut cause she had hooked up with 15 guys by the third day even though she has a boyfriend. it was funny as cause dean and sarah jean were leaning completely across the table making conversation in an attempt to stop us fighting. she told the security guard that i hit her then tegan and mel made her go say that she lied :) love mel and tegan :) and jake i remember him high fiving me possibly, or something praise-like anyways. ohh and anna got sent to lock up cause she hit tegan over the head with a plastic water bottle half full of vodka. then mel used tegans money to get there and bail anna out (im not sure why mel didnt use hers) and at that point anna wasnt going to pay tegan back (no idea if she has yet) and she was bragging about being sent to lockup. what a mess.
one day we hung out at rhysiepoo and thats apartment. they had a really nice place but they were too far away. we woke mitchidy grub and cj up by jumping on them :) i corked cjs leg woops haha :) we hung out in their pool and steam room all day. i fell asleep at one point cause cj was playing his guitar :) we had subway for lunch. yummm. it was a really good just chill day before beach party :)
we went to morton for a day to see naomi, britta, sappho and aimee. cj and toddles came along as well. staying up the night before until 2 then getting up at 5 to leave to get to the barge in time was not a good idea but we made it work :) it was so cute todd and cj fell asleep on sister sarahs shoulders in the back. we seriously just made it to the barge in time thank god. the barge was fun i chilled out on the back with all the sea spray and everything :) me and britta had the most epic hug we ran at each other and i lept into her arms. i had missed them all so much it was so good to see them. morton was beautiful. like ridiculously beautiful. we were walking along the path to their place which was parrallel to the  beach and dolphins just started doing flips in the shallows :) we went snorkelling but i couldnt so i just chilled on the beach with toddles and co. we all just chilled the rest of the day before getting on the ferry to go back home. the car ride back was fun. we were backed up in traffic when this foodmart truck decides to go four-wheel driving on the footpath. best thing ever. probably another beach party that night.
the last day started with shots at 12, followed by four kings with nino, jack and jacob. man that was fun :) nino was already drunk when we started playing four kings so by the end of it hes sitting there pleading with us "no more drink, no more drinks" and evil-eyeing sarah jean whenever we did the waterfall card. he was also the bitch and when i asked him to get me another drink he crawled to our fridge :) ohh it was a good game :) we also met a guy from downstairs but he was pretty lame. he just bitched about his ex and then left the room claiming that we were "too drunk" theres no such thing as too drunk at schoolies. rhysiepoo and all them came for a bit and we hung out with them and then later on brae and jake came to chill. then we got ready and went to the beach party. zak, kye, tony, peter and shaun had all come down for the night so we partied with them. that was pretty fun. once the beach party finished me, the sarahs and kye went to maccas. i was sitting there eating my food when the girl in the booth next to me reached over and took a handful of my chips. she thought she was so sneaky and that i hadnt seen her. she was so happy that she had chips it was like the happiest moment of her life i swear. it was the funniest thing. so then i offered her more and she was even more stoaked :) then i started feeling really shit and tried to shut my eyes but they wouldnt stay shut. then we went to the bathroom and im about 99% sure that i passed out on the toilet. alls i remember was going in there then sister sarah was ringing me and telling me i had been in there for 20 minutes and my head hurt. oh dear. so yeah then we walked kye back to where the boys were meant to be staying. turns out all of the boys were meant to be staying in tonys car. five boys, one car, serious miscalculation. we're walking through the car park looking for tonys car and then we see a car with feet sticking out the side. me and sarah jean thought this was halarious already. we walk over and see zak in the drivers seat, tony in the passenger seat and shaun taking up the whole of the back seat. me and sarah jean went into hysterics at this point. we were laughing so hard we had to hold our stomachs and gasp for air. we thought it was the funniest thing ever. we kept in saying things like "kye where are you sleeping tonight?" and "kye theres a nice looking bench over there!" or "kye you could sleep in the boot!" we would say these kinds of things over and over again and we still laughed just as hard every single time. it was honestly the funniest thing ever. after we calmed down we decided to sneak kye into our hotel room so that he wasnt sleeping on the beach. or a beach or the boot :) after much convincing for jonny and eddie jonny walked away and eddie gave us the go ahead look :) once we snuck kye up nino came to visit so we all hung out then jacob and jack came up too. it was really good just chilling :) they stayed in our apartment until the sun was up then we decided to go to bed. it was the best last day anyone could ask for.
we woke up at 7:15 and had to be out of the apartment by 8. we hadnt cleaned or even started packing. we freaking dominated that hotel room and we were done by 8:30. nino even came up with super-glue to fix the wardrobe he had broken :) cleaning up was death, there was so many disgusting things and the smell of alcohol was making us all want to vommit. but we got it done, the wardrobe was fixed and we said goodbye to our little room. sigh. i will actually miss it. as gross as it was, as much as i complained, it still made our schoolies what it was. i wouldnt change a thing. we went to rhysiepoos apartment and we were going to make the boys breakfast but then they were busy cleaning so we left. the drive home was so long. we passed sister sarah dads house on the way home and they had piclets and picture frames with formal photos in them waiting for us. they were so lovely :) then we went to sarah jeans work persons place to pick up keys cause she had to open the shop the next day. in between sister sarahs dads house and sarah jeans work friends house moses (sarah jeans car) started shaking and making the worst noises. when we got to sarah jeans work friends house we called her parents and they came and got us. wayne (sarah jeans step dad) was going to swap cars with sarah jean but when we got to the end of the street he called us and got us to come get him. the fact that he wasnt even game enough to drive moses was pretty scary. but we got home all good :)

now heres the things that i either couldnt remember when they happened or just didnt seem to have a place to go.
the first time we met nino and jacob they knocked on our door holding a watermelon. once they were sitting in our room they showed us that it was semi-hollowed out and they poured redbear in it, then stirred it around. it was like eating and drinking at the same time according to nino :) it was pretty good.
we hung with oompa for a bit. dont ask me why.
same goes for jess mans.
james mackay wore his sunglasses inside rhysiepoos apartment at 1 in the morning. why?
i stole the letters from the subway sign. well more specifically i stole B,S,S (bec, sarah, sarah if you didnt get that)
on the last day we had an old guy talk to us about schoolies, asked if we enjoyed it, if it was safe, those kinds of things. it sounds kind of creepy but it wasnt.
one night we had people knock on our door at about 2 when we got back from the beach party. they introduced themselves and hung around in our apartment until about 4. they were cool :) only one of the guys knew both of the other guys so we spent most of the time getting to know them along side them.
nino quote "x's and o's and shit" and him singing bonkers continuously. one of the really cool things was that he had his own friends down stairs and he still came to chill with us heaps :)
sarah quotes "i saw him a pretty decent amount of often" and "caloundra stop hiding!"
my arm thing popped. it was pretty huge by about half way through schoolies. then the night that sam stayed over i woke up at 4 in the morning with my arm hurting and the magnaplasm stuff all down my side. it was all gross and sticky so i got into the shower to wash it off. once i took the bandaid off blood squirted everywhere. i almost fainted (im scared of blood). my blood was black cause of all the crap in it. once i pulled myself together enough i got the rest of it out then went back to bed. in the morning it had filled up again and i had to squeeze it again. cause i was so just not all with it and everything i let sam film me squeezing puss out. he says hes going to put it on utube i really hope he doesnt. it was so gross having to squeeze it all the time and always having to have a bandaid on it (a big patch one not a normal one) and not being able to shave that underarm and not being able to swim and everything. but its all better now :)
we (well we being sister sarah) brought chocolates for the red frogs and gave them out :) they were so appreciative :)
we bitched about crazy russian lady to jonny before finding out that he was her sister-in-law. we also got jonny to admit that he was scared of her :)
pedobear walking into our hotel in his briefs with a roll of toilet paper stuck down there that he had stolen from another dorm. then him later walking in wearing a doona wrapped around his waist. also stolen from another room.
this girl phuong had the coolest tattoo of a dream catcher on her shoulder. it was so nice. possiblity?
our microwave didnt work so we exchanged the use of our microwaveable container for use of next doors microwave.
phone chats to ron ron :) and tom. when tom called he asked if i had a gaping vagina now. which resulted in my yelling at the top of my lungs in the middle of the street "I DO NOT HAVE A GAPING VAGINA! IT WILL NOT ECHO IF YOU TALK INTO IT!" good work tom.
the girl on the floor above that asked the boys in the room next to us if they wanted to do a spastic eagle. LOL. and i called ron ron to tell him so :)
our nightly ritual; dance party then maccas :) what a win :)
ohh and finding out that shane fingered alyssa in the school library and that they would get to school an hour early to fuck in the car park. ewwwwww.
i abused nutter at one point. much about her being a bad friend. and me and sister sarah abused her to the boys and jake when he was up. that was fun :) i told sister sarah to go talk to jake cause he looked lonely so she came up to him, abused him about nutter and walked away. me and brae sat there pissing ourselves laughing :)
the guys calling sarah jean mum cause she made me noodles :)
having mango for breakfast one morning was one of the most amazing things ever :) and the fact that sister sarah used a butter knife to cut it up was even better :)
and sarah jean making omlette on our grill sandwhich maker was amazing too :) watching her flip it was great :)
on the day where i stayed at home because of my arm i woke up halfway through opening a packet of cup-a-soup. another time when i woke up that day it was because our balcony door had slammed shut. i got up to open it again and got lost in the curtain. man that was confusing.
the magnaplasm and the magnaplasm spoon :)

thats it. well i think thats it anyways. ill probably have another post in the middle of the week with all the things id forgotten but heres the most of it. as much as i can remember, as close to the truth as i can remember and all the best parts :)
it was the best week of my life and id do anything to go back.

Friday, November 20, 2009

operation week epic

me and sarah have decided this next week is called week epic :) (starting on the tuesday just gone) and we're making it our mission to make it as epic as possible. Not that we will really have to try that hard, i mean we've had formal and the formal after party, graduation friday then schoolies. could things get better?

anyways to tuesday - thursday.
tuesday i went to school for the no alcohol and drugs at formal speach. it was pretty lame except sister sarah brought me her jewelery for me to pick what i wanted to wear for formal. shes so lovely :) then rhysiepoo drove me home and i experimented with formal hair styles before packing my bag and getting picked up by sarah jean and going to her house.
we got there, hung out for a bit, then immy and megan came over. immy did sarah jeans hair then mine. sarah jean had her fringe pinned and the rest of it curled, i had my hair curled with a little quiff. immy is amazing she curled it with a ghg in like 10 minutes. it was insane since when we had to curl my hair for musical it took three people with curlers half an hour to do it last year. then immy did our makeup (which also looked stunning) then kamara came over and she got hers done too. then kamara left, me and sarah jean put on our dresses and sarah jeans nana and mum helped me put the hollywood tape on my dress. we all got photos taken and then went to sister sarahs.
at sister sarahs her dad took photos of us cause hes like a crazy photographer man. a moment there was definetly when i decided that the sarahs mums are my adopted mums. i had wanted a photo with just me and the sarahs mums cause i love them so but i didnt want to offend mum. then sister sarahs mum came up with the idea of "other mothers photo" so i got photos with the sarahs mum and the sarahs got photos with each others mum plus my mum. the fact that they worked out a way for me to get what i wanted was truely amazing. i almost cried. the photos that sister sarahs dad took were really amazing i cant wait to have them.
then scotty arrived in his awesome traz am, more photos were taken and we were off. we got there in style but cause we were late almost nobody saw us. oh well it was still awesome :) we went inside and found our boys. this is when i knew that i love my boys. me and the sarahs walked up and said "hey" and the first thing out of rhody and jesses mouth (in unision) was "wow" :) ive never felt more beautiful. we all went around finding people, talking, catching up and taking photos. everybody looked so amazing it was ridiculous.
then the parents left and we all went inside to the dinner part. more chilling and taking photos and everything. then we sat at our table (table 8). the people at our table were me, the sarahs, matt, abe, kellen, rhody, jesse, callum and trentan. best table ever :) the meal was okay, kinda average. you pretty much couldent leave the table or even look away otherwise something would have happened to your food, your drink or both. best sneaky move was when rhody put heaps of salt and pepper in jesses drink when he was in the bathroom then when he gets back sarah jean stands and says "id like to propose a toast to........ table 8!" and we all toasted and jesse drank :) and awards were handed out for best looking guy and girl and other stuff. half of our table got one :)
once desert was served the dancefloor opened :) we had a really good dj actually, he played decent stuff once people were dancing. rhody and corey had the best dance off to single ladies, ive never laughed so hard. dancing was great and i did stay most of the night in my heels :) we even got rhysiepoo and jake and everyone to dance :) we got photos taken with the professional photographer and we actually got all our boys in it which is great :) hours of dancing later and the formal was over :( it was actually way better than i expected it to be cause im not really a formal kind of girl so i was expecting to really hate it.
then sarah jeans parents drove us to the after party at mels cause they were helping  supervise :) we got there, got changed and chilled with everyone. on of the highlight of the night was the bus of people turning up that had left the formal an hour early to get on pingers (lame!)katherine potter walks in "STOP BEING SO AWKWARD. JUST DANCE ALREADY!" then walked off into mels forrest alone for about 5 minutes before reappearing with twigs in her hair. what a mess. i didnt have drinks with me so i scabbed off everybody all night and actually got drunk :) i was going to smoke weed with cj and everyone but they were using a pipe and since ive never used one i didnt want to make a fool of myself. me and zack talked about how he got angry at me but i dont really remember what he said. and tamika lost her voice which was halarious :) me and rhysiepoo had been hanging out all night and were being a little cuddly. we were sitting by ourselves and then he started saying that i owe him for all the alcohol id scabbed off him that night. we had a "nuh uh" "yah huh" fight before i finally gave in and asked him what he wanted me to pay him back with. he tried to get me to decided but i told him since he was the one that was being payed back he had to decide. then he said "i reckon a kiss would do it" so we kissed. oh my. oh wow. then we got moved cause the ambos had been called cause strano overdosed on vodka and morphine (hes fine now) on a side note where do you even get morphine from???? so yeh i went and got my stuff then went out to say goodbye to everyone and when me and rhysiepoo said goodbye to each other we kissed again :) then back to sarah jeans and sleep.

wednesday we woke up to an empty house and just chilled around. sarah jean made me omlette for breakfast :) i love her. then we were talking to todd on facebook and we were like "what the hell he lives a street away lets go see him" so we went to his house and hung out there for ages. and i tried ezy mac for the first time. omg yum. then we came back to sarah jeans house and went to get her new tyres fitted so we hung out at the tyre place for about an hour before she drove me to the doctors cause the thing on my arm was really hurting (i dont know if i mentioned it but i had like a pimple thing on my underarm and it had been slowly been getting more painful over the last couple of days)
the doctor told me it was a boil and he had to pop it. getting it popped was so bad, i hate needles and i was already freaking out. once it was popped he told me i had to go on antibiotics for 5 days. you cant drink when youre on antibiotics. schoolies is in 2 days. shit fuck shit. so i asked him what would happen if i took them once i came back from schoolies. he said best case scenario youre in more pain than you are now, worst case it either gets into your blood and could poison your organs and entire body or it could get into you bones in your arm and worst case we have to amputate. he said amputate like i had to have bed rest for a couple of days. so then i really started freaking out so he said we could start the antibiotics that day and then if it got better i would only have to not drink the first night of schoolies. however if it doesnt get better i go on another stronger round of antibiotics and dont drink at all. i think if that happens im not going to gold coast. i dont think i would be able to not drink and if i did then i would just be in a shit mood the entire week and bring the sarahs down. neither of which i want to do.

today we had the docudrama, cpr lesson and graduation practice.
the docudrama was about drink driving and car accidents and when we got out there to see it played out jesse, britta and hannah (plus kayla) were the actors. i cried the entire way through. even thinking about it now is bringing tears. to see that, to see my friends, how it looked so real, to see jesse being covered up and put in a body bag, to see britta screaming at hannah "youve killed him" to hear kayla screaming in pain and to see hannah trying to fight the police to get away... i cant even find words to describe the pain im still feeling now. i just cant. i have some amazing people in my grade though. i was separated from the sarahs, im not sure why, but i was standing there crying through the entire thing surrounded by people i barely talk to. rachelle who pretty much hates me put her arm around me at one point and asked if i was okay. some stranger was rubbing my arm, im still not sure who they were i would really like to know. then someone told kamara and she came up from behind and hugged me and gave me a tissue and asked if i wanted to leave and when i didnt she stood there hugging me from behind the entire time. then later when we were walking down to the oval glen saw that i had been crying and that i was on the verge of tears again seeing kayla being loaded into the helicopter, he put his arm around me and told me we were going to do it together. i have the best people. i dont really want to write more about it cause its still making me upset.
cpr was a joke. dedset joke. then we all talked about the formal and the formal after party. then we wrote on our lockers :) mine says "bec '09" :) then at lunch everyone was signing shirts and writting in books and getting peoples contacts. it was really nice :) then grad practice which was as boring as shit. i actually fell asleep towards the end. one good thing though im in the second row :) perfect view. i didnt get to talk to rhysiepoo all day cause we were just never near each other when we could talk.
after school i hung out with sister sarah at the plaza before going to work. cj called me while we were hanging and he told me that he asked rhysiepoo whether he liked me and he basically said yes and cj also asked him whether he would have kissed me sober and he said yes :) work was shit. we are now open late nights again which is just ridiculous cause we had like 10 customers the entire night. stupid taryn there was a reason why rivers stopped that. and she called me jess again. after work ron ron picked me up and along with tom we went to pauls house to watch burn notice :) pretty much didnt end up watching it, ended up looking at shit on utube instead. i love those boys :) then tom dropped me home in his new car (did i tell you? tom fucked up his car) and mum tried to squeeze more shit out of my arm before giving up.
thats everything up to date. i doubt im going to blog tomorrow and then ill be at schoolies therefore without internet but i am taking books down so that i can write down everything that i remember. if you see me blogging next week please send comments of sympathy. lord knows im going to need them.
ohh btw plan of attack with rhysiepoo cause im not still sure of my feelings is to talk to him at schoolies (i doubt ill have a chance before then) and tell him how im feeling and depending on his reaction suggest trial dating after schoolies just to see how things go. fingers crossed.

Monday, November 16, 2009

guess where i'll be this time next week?

at schoolies. chyea :)

anyways i had a pretty awesome weekend.
i had my last maths exam ever on friday. thats right. last. maths. exam. ever. im pretty sure i failed it but i dont care cause i cant have failed enough to drop my mark. then i helped sister sarah edit the year 12 grad film and we finally finished it :) its so friggen good!! im so stoaked with it!! everyone is going to cry at grad. then we met up with our group at the beach :) it was so good to chill with them, they are great. that night was rhodys 17th so we went to his house for a BBQ. again, great fun chilling with our group :) we played heaps of games that i havent played in years like bullrush and duck duck goose. although we didnt alter duck duck goose by adding in the tackle element :) and we all ate cake and played ping pong and just hung out all together. it was good to hang out outside of school since its finishing soon and all. i hope i dont loose touch with them once schools over. once i got home nick texted me so he came over and ended up staying until 2 am. it was so good to catch up :) we had great talks.
saturday i worked which was a bit average. taryn made me clean - nic never made me clean, she knew i was bad at it and hated it. also she put me on three shifts for the week i was at schoolies. so yehh average. saturday night was alexs going away party. im so devo that hes going to canada for six months when ive only just become good friends with him in the past couple of months. i napped too long so i got there late but oh well :) i was wearing my new heels and i would like to say that they stayed on the whole night :) it was just a gathering really, all of us just hanging out and drinking. we played i never and its the funnest thing with heaps of people like that :) its also funner when you're in a game with someone you've slept with and his friends. some of the i nevers directed at us were "ive never had sex in my friends parents bed" "the best sex ive ever had wasnt from behind" it was good fun :) at one point we started a fire in the middle of the street. good effort i thought really :) and then ron ron wanted to move his car so that his car was away from the fire and as we were re-parking i saw the driveway of an old friend and said "my friend lives up there" and ron ron went "do you want to go up there?" of course i did :) because ron rons tires are so bald we got half way up the hill, almost stalled, floored in instead and did massive burnouts on their driveway and front lawn. we were absolutely pissing ourselves laughing when we finally parked. ohh and i forgot to mention while the fire was being started tom pulled me into the laundry and we had sex on the counter :) well kind of sex anyways. i let him go long enough to make me happy then decided that i was too nervous about being caught to keep going. and yes i did say before, my heels were on all night :) riess shotted boiling hot water. well actually no riess attempted it. poor riess his mouth was sore all night after that. and ron ron made really shit french toast. and the cops came to suss out the fire. we did shots of this blue stuff and it actually didnt make me feel sick for once. after chilling for a little longer we decided to leave. sister sarah wanted to go home cause she had to work in the morning and didnt have her work stuff with her so she called her mum to come get her. the boys started walking to my house so me and sarah jeana lift with nel to mine :) shes so nice. me and other sarah chilled until the boys got there then we all hung out before going to bed. everyone was in my bed so once i couldnt hold off tom for a minute longer i rudely kicked everyone out of my room. the sex was up to par to say the least :) more new positions :) and the best thing ever happened. im sure ive mentioned this before but in case i havent, toms never finished inside me. i always have to stop him and finish him off cause i was too sore. not last night :) he finished inside me and apart from how stoaked i am that i could get him to (ive been trying for ages) he was stoaked which made me happy :) he actually said "that was so good" which is amazing cause he never says anything about it usually. then lied down and cuddled for a bit before riess came in and told us that it was daytime and then again when he needed to show us that adam was sleeping on my couch in his underware. funniest stuff.
this morning i woke up and could hear tom getting his stuff together. i dont know why i do it but every time i wake up because hes getting up i pretend to be asleep until he leaves. so i did but i thought he was just going into the other room but he was actually leaving so i felt a bit bad. then i came into the other room and chilled with the boys and sarah jean. adam had pants on again thankgod. then mum drove the boys home, ron ron came and picked me and sarah jean went to his to get boardies then to the beach :) awwww poor sarah jean she was so fragile all day. the beach was so amazing though :) and we had nandos and that was also amazing :) then i came home, napped and chilled.

pretty epic weekend all in all :) im really slack though ive got my drama performance tomorrow and i havent practiced my lines and its like 1:30 am and im not sleeping yet. and i havent got the fake blood or makeup that i need for my drama tomorrow. im so useless.
on the upside im talking to rhysiepoo :)
ohh and heres an intersting conversation me and cj had the other day.
it started off with me not being able to sleep and cj suggested cuddling to help but i said i had no one to cuddle. then he said that he would but rhysiepoo would mind. so i asked why rhysiepoo would mind and he said "well theres a thing between you two isnt there?" and i was like "what thing?" and he said "well you like him and he likes you right?" and then i told cj that i didnt think rhysiepoo liked me in that way and that i though he just wanted to be closer. then cj told me that rhysiepoo wasnt like that, he was more of a relationship guy. then he said "thats why i was and am so worried about rhysiepoo... because if you like him but you're not sure and you give him one glimpse of hope and take it away from him, he'll be shattered coz he isn't really into the dating scene just yet hes kinda a newbie." then i said that was trying to sort my head out and that if i did start something i didnt want it to be a drunken thing. then cj said "bec... rhysiepoo is not coming back a virgin!" and then i got insanely jealous! like the burning stomach and all! i got jealous of some faceless, nameless girl who may not even exist! and cj said "if you do decide you're gona do it with him be careful because theres already a connection between yas and after the sex there will definatly be passion from his side, whether or not there is from yours. and please dont let him see u with other guys all over u it might break his little heart"
so yeh. im in a bit of a pickle really. i just need to sort my head out and hopefully before schoolies. i dont want to hurt rhysiepoo but some days i really like him and other wise i just feel like friends. and i cant start anything if im like that. imagine if i started dating him then just woke up one morning and didnt feel the same. and also i dont know if me and him would be compatible physically. and he hasnt really opened up to me before and because im such an open person i would need someone that could be open with me. and then theres the whole future thing as well. and if i could be a good girlfriend. so many questions and no answers. oh dear.
brad text me last night. i replied a couple of times before finding better things to do. such as tom :)