Wednesday, December 30, 2009

current panic attack

shit shit shit fuck shit.
I'm not sure about Brae.
shit shit fuck shit shit.
Just writting that, thinking that, is making me feel sick.
How can I not be sure? I asked him out, he's absolutely amazing and I love spending time with him. In fact, I don't think its him. Fuck, I am not about to use the whole "It's not you, it's me" line. Fuck that.
It's just the whole... relationship thing. I think, subconsciously up until this point, I have been sort of waiting for us to fail. For me to mess it up, since I always do. Or to find some reason that we don't work. That he's too good for me, that I can't resist Tom, or cheating, that it's going to be so hard to be in a relationship while in Brisbane, that once I turn 18 I'm going to want to be single, that I never wanted a boyfriend, that me and Brae are so random, that he's not friends with my friends, that I don't think we are going to last forever, or even plan on getting married so there's no real point in us going out. All these thoughts are running through my head. And I saw Tom tonight. He's accepted the mission to "woo me". I hope he doesn't try. The scariest part is that, and it kills me to write it, I'm worried. Really worried. Worried that he might just succeed. I don't want to hurt Brae. I really don't. It's just... it's Tom! Tom! And what if Brae is really bad at sex? What if he's a virgin? It would make resisting Tom so much harder if Brae was bad at sex. And cause I want to wait a while before me and Brae have sex I'm going to crave it. And Tom's going to be there all the time, trying, offering. And I'll be drunk and Brae won't be there and there would be no way he would find out. It's just going to be too easy. And if the boys don't like him they are going to make him feel so uncomfortable and I'm going to want to defend him and everything, but it's the boys! They are my brothers, they have been there through everything with me. I can't not need their approval. Their approval is so important to me, more important than my families. Well, lets be honest, they are my family. And if they aren't impressed with him then I'll have to choose. Not break up with Brae, but choose when I see them cause I wouldn't be able to see them at the same time as Brae. And as bad as it might sound, I choose my boys. Everytime. And Tom already doesn't approve.
Ron Ron approves. Okay that's calmed me down.
Okay. Things are okay. Things are going to be fine.
Everything will work out.
Okay. xx

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