Thursday, June 25, 2009

i dont know whats wrong

i feel sad. and i dont know why. alls i know is little things im not happy with.

i saw brad today. which led me to think about him and how much i miss dating him (or just the relationship im not sure which) and how much more i miss him as a friend. which led me to cry. and to hate myself for not being able to say anything to him again.

the release of stress about not being pregnant is no doubt a factor too. i still find myself holding/rubbing my stomach every now and then. maybe theres some regret there as well cause even though im not equipped to be a mum it would still be amazing. to be able to create something, to be able to look at and hold a living, breathing, moving, feeling baby and think "i made that" that would be truly amazing.

i was thinking about the past. about how amazing things were and how good it would be to have everything recorded so that you could relive it at your own convenience. photos kind of do that i guess. and how terrible its going to be that one day ill be able to look at photos of places i love and events that blew my mind and people that changed my life and be a stranger to them, looking but not feeling.

and thinking about moving out, leaving the sunshine coast. this place is all ive ever known i dont know how im going to handle anywhere else, if ill even be able to handle anywhere else. and my friends. they know me better than i know myself. they know everything there is to know. i dont remember how i met them, how i managed to make friends with them and i dont know if ill be able to have anything like ive got ever again. i just dont see how it can happen, how something so amazing and comforting and right can be redone with different people. it shouldnt be possible. and that this is going to happen with my friends too. that their going to have all this with other people that arent me. and it will be amazing and comforting and right. without me.

about my career. i should really know what i want to do. im so scared that im going to end up normal. that im going to be average. that i will settle. if i woke up one day and realised my life was a routine that could be copied i would want to die.

and what im going to look like at formal.
i could look like mutton dressed as lamb. i have this theory see; i could have the most amazing dress, have the highest of high heels (and be able to walk in them), makeup that makes me flawless and hair that looks like it was done by the top hollywood stylist and still look ridiculous. it just wouldnt be 'me' and everyone would know it.
or i could look under dressed. i could attempt a more 'me' look which would be very... unformal. therefore looking out of place, daggy and ridiculous.
having gorgeous friends that would look good in a heshen sack doesnt boost my confidence any either.
in fact im quite sure that naomi, sappho and possibly mel will find a dress very similar to a heshen sack cause its 'them' and they will look amazing in it.

so yes. maybe it is the little things that make up life. i just wish mine werent making me sad :(

ohh and i text sister sarah today asking if she wanted to go formal dress looking with me. we havent seen each other since the myspace photo incident and im unbelievably worried that shes still angry. she said shed come and we planned it and invited other sarah. but other sarah just called me saying that sister sarah cancelled but shed still like to come with me if i wanted to. while formal dress looking with other sarah will be fine i didnt really want to go, i was just going cause i felt weird for just inviting sister sarah to go shopping with me. so now im worried that she cancelled cause shes angry and im confused as to why she didnt tell me, she told other sarah even though i was the one that planned it. but i guess this would be in keeping of her being angry at me, yes?
this is even worse. this isnt a little thing, this is a big thing. a sad big thing.

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