You're never the same person twice.
Interesting thought, huh?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
current panic attack
shit shit shit fuck shit.
I'm not sure about Brae.
shit shit fuck shit shit.
Just writting that, thinking that, is making me feel sick.
How can I not be sure? I asked him out, he's absolutely amazing and I love spending time with him. In fact, I don't think its him. Fuck, I am not about to use the whole "It's not you, it's me" line. Fuck that.
It's just the whole... relationship thing. I think, subconsciously up until this point, I have been sort of waiting for us to fail. For me to mess it up, since I always do. Or to find some reason that we don't work. That he's too good for me, that I can't resist Tom, or cheating, that it's going to be so hard to be in a relationship while in Brisbane, that once I turn 18 I'm going to want to be single, that I never wanted a boyfriend, that me and Brae are so random, that he's not friends with my friends, that I don't think we are going to last forever, or even plan on getting married so there's no real point in us going out. All these thoughts are running through my head. And I saw Tom tonight. He's accepted the mission to "woo me". I hope he doesn't try. The scariest part is that, and it kills me to write it, I'm worried. Really worried. Worried that he might just succeed. I don't want to hurt Brae. I really don't. It's just... it's Tom! Tom! And what if Brae is really bad at sex? What if he's a virgin? It would make resisting Tom so much harder if Brae was bad at sex. And cause I want to wait a while before me and Brae have sex I'm going to crave it. And Tom's going to be there all the time, trying, offering. And I'll be drunk and Brae won't be there and there would be no way he would find out. It's just going to be too easy. And if the boys don't like him they are going to make him feel so uncomfortable and I'm going to want to defend him and everything, but it's the boys! They are my brothers, they have been there through everything with me. I can't not need their approval. Their approval is so important to me, more important than my families. Well, lets be honest, they are my family. And if they aren't impressed with him then I'll have to choose. Not break up with Brae, but choose when I see them cause I wouldn't be able to see them at the same time as Brae. And as bad as it might sound, I choose my boys. Everytime. And Tom already doesn't approve.
Ron Ron approves. Okay that's calmed me down.
Okay. Things are okay. Things are going to be fine.
Everything will work out.
Okay. xx
I'm not sure about Brae.
shit shit fuck shit shit.
Just writting that, thinking that, is making me feel sick.
How can I not be sure? I asked him out, he's absolutely amazing and I love spending time with him. In fact, I don't think its him. Fuck, I am not about to use the whole "It's not you, it's me" line. Fuck that.
It's just the whole... relationship thing. I think, subconsciously up until this point, I have been sort of waiting for us to fail. For me to mess it up, since I always do. Or to find some reason that we don't work. That he's too good for me, that I can't resist Tom, or cheating, that it's going to be so hard to be in a relationship while in Brisbane, that once I turn 18 I'm going to want to be single, that I never wanted a boyfriend, that me and Brae are so random, that he's not friends with my friends, that I don't think we are going to last forever, or even plan on getting married so there's no real point in us going out. All these thoughts are running through my head. And I saw Tom tonight. He's accepted the mission to "woo me". I hope he doesn't try. The scariest part is that, and it kills me to write it, I'm worried. Really worried. Worried that he might just succeed. I don't want to hurt Brae. I really don't. It's just... it's Tom! Tom! And what if Brae is really bad at sex? What if he's a virgin? It would make resisting Tom so much harder if Brae was bad at sex. And cause I want to wait a while before me and Brae have sex I'm going to crave it. And Tom's going to be there all the time, trying, offering. And I'll be drunk and Brae won't be there and there would be no way he would find out. It's just going to be too easy. And if the boys don't like him they are going to make him feel so uncomfortable and I'm going to want to defend him and everything, but it's the boys! They are my brothers, they have been there through everything with me. I can't not need their approval. Their approval is so important to me, more important than my families. Well, lets be honest, they are my family. And if they aren't impressed with him then I'll have to choose. Not break up with Brae, but choose when I see them cause I wouldn't be able to see them at the same time as Brae. And as bad as it might sound, I choose my boys. Everytime. And Tom already doesn't approve.
Ron Ron approves. Okay that's calmed me down.
Okay. Things are okay. Things are going to be fine.
Everything will work out.
Okay. xx
Friday, December 25, 2009
christmas just brings the best out in everyone huh?
So my Christmas was actually really good :) Mainly because Grace got kicked out. I know that might be perceived as bitchy but it was just so much more peaceful once she was gone.
She was the biggest bitch this morning. I woke her up and she said "Do you think that I care?" then rolled back over. So I went outside and started opening my presents and then she came out. She gathered up all her presents and took them to her room to open. She didn't talk to us until around lunch time when Mum tried to get her out of her room to hang out with us. She started abusing Mum and swearing at her. So then Mum told her to leave and she did. Haven't seen or heard from her since. But we didn't let it ruin our christmas!! Also Brae was being really sweet cause he thought I was upset about it and he told Sarah Jean who called to see if I was okay so we got to have epic catchups again :) All in all a successful Christmas day :)
I got a massive beach towel (not weird I actually asked for it), perfume, a over-night travel bag with like travel stuff in it, a sarong, earings, the Twilight series, money and probably other stuff I've forgotten.
Definetly not looking forward to work tomorrow. And it's not even good money cause the public holidays is on the Monday instead. But at least I'm working that too. And New Years day even though that's shit. But good pay.
Just think of the money, Bec, just think of the money.
What did you do for Christmas? Get anything awesome?
xx
She was the biggest bitch this morning. I woke her up and she said "Do you think that I care?" then rolled back over. So I went outside and started opening my presents and then she came out. She gathered up all her presents and took them to her room to open. She didn't talk to us until around lunch time when Mum tried to get her out of her room to hang out with us. She started abusing Mum and swearing at her. So then Mum told her to leave and she did. Haven't seen or heard from her since. But we didn't let it ruin our christmas!! Also Brae was being really sweet cause he thought I was upset about it and he told Sarah Jean who called to see if I was okay so we got to have epic catchups again :) All in all a successful Christmas day :)
I got a massive beach towel (not weird I actually asked for it), perfume, a over-night travel bag with like travel stuff in it, a sarong, earings, the Twilight series, money and probably other stuff I've forgotten.
Definetly not looking forward to work tomorrow. And it's not even good money cause the public holidays is on the Monday instead. But at least I'm working that too. And New Years day even though that's shit. But good pay.
Just think of the money, Bec, just think of the money.
What did you do for Christmas? Get anything awesome?
xx
Thursday, December 24, 2009
more proof that brae is a sweetie :)
I'm feeling pretty low at the moment so I started thinking about Brae cause he makes me happy. Then I had a great idea. Why don't I write down all the amazing things he has said and done for me so that the next time I'm feeling shit I can look over it :)
So here goes :)
- Him, Jake and Toddles were abusing Jordyn over facebook (she got herself into it). Me and Brae were texting at the time and when I asked him to stop abusing her he did :) Then later he opened a conversation with "Am I in trouble?"
- Brae got a new wakeboard (before we were dating) and he said I can choose a sticker to put on it :) I've still got to choose one.
- Again, before we were dating, Brae remembered that he was meant to take me to asain a while ago. As a joke I told him that I had been waiting and he said "Have you really been waiting? I feel bad now"
- "I like your tan. So jealous"
- He's been trying to convince me to go wakeboarding. Some encouraging words "If I can learn how to do it so can you" "I'm not going to laugh at you if that's what you're worried about. I promise I won't" "Every time you fall off I'll carry your board back"
- When I needed to bitch about Taryn instead of him lecturing me or trying to give me advice he said "I totally agree!" even though he didn't know Nic or Taryn but he did know that someone agreeing with me was what I needed.
- One night when we hung out (once we started dating) he felt like he didn't talk to me enough "I was like full neglecting you last night. Hell didn't mean to. Like after we dropped youse off I was thinking to myself I hardly said a word to her all night"
- I was stressing about my OP the night before it came out. I was explaining to Brae that I was stressing cause once I have my OP then I can't deny it and he said "You won't have to deny it. It'll be epic" and "I don't really know why you're worried though. You're amazing"
- When we were working out when I was going to go over there I made him choose what time I was coming over and he chose night time :)
- When he was telling me a secret thing he said "You can't tell anyone. Except maybe the Sarahs as long as they promise not to tell anyone" He understands how things are with me and the Sarahs :)
- Brae was watching a doco on these birds that fluff themselves up and dance to attract mates. He was paying them out and I told him that I always do that to get boys and it's how I got him. To this he answered "Whatever you did, you did it well"
- He was going to come visit me at work the other day. He said coming to see me "would have been worth the walk/wait"
- "Hey babe"
- When I told him that I wasn't getting into Uni he said "What :(? That's fucked. Wow. I don't really know what to say. You were so set on that. I'm sorry" Even though there was absolutely nothing he could do and he didn't say that much, he still made me feel better.
- Brae quotes "Hairchef" "I used to be incest with dolphins" "food room thing"
- "I'm going to come visit you on boxing day. Just throwing it out there"
- I was insulting my sister and showing him halarious photos of her that I found and he said "I'd say something like rats hang around in dirty places but I don't know if that's called for so I'll just quote it" He was worried about hurting my feelings :)
- He told me he's going to try to cheer me up tomorrow :) He also tried to cheer me up tonight by saying "If it makes you feel any better, which I doubt it will, on youtube a guy got crapped on by a horse" It made me feel better :)
- I always explain myself. After explaining myself before he said "You're not on trial. You don't have to explain why"
- We were talking about New Years and when I asked if he had plans he said "My plan is to have some drinks and hopefully see you" :) I'm going to try my hardest to have one of those hell romantic movie kisses just as the clock strikes new year :)
- "That reminds me, whats your home number?"
- "Am I allowed to buy you a present?" "I ran out of ideas when Sarah Jean told me that Gossip Girl season 3 isn't out on dvd yet. FML. Hint hint." He had a whole plan worked out "That totally ruined my plan. I was going to rock up at Rivers, with a huge box, wrapped up and shit, with just a dvd inside. It would have been classic."
- When I stayed at his house I asked him about WOW. He was so embarrassed it was so weird (in a good way) that he cares that much about what I think of him. When someone came on Vent and started talking to him about WOW he was like "Shut up! Shut up! My girlfriends here!" He called me his girlfriend :) Pretty sure I managed to convince him that I didn't mind that he played WOW though :)
- When we hung out at Sarah Jeans he put his arm around me infront of everyone and everthing :) And he held my hand :)
- He put my name in his status :)
Could I have asked for a better boyfriend?
xx
So here goes :)
- Him, Jake and Toddles were abusing Jordyn over facebook (she got herself into it). Me and Brae were texting at the time and when I asked him to stop abusing her he did :) Then later he opened a conversation with "Am I in trouble?"
- Brae got a new wakeboard (before we were dating) and he said I can choose a sticker to put on it :) I've still got to choose one.
- Again, before we were dating, Brae remembered that he was meant to take me to asain a while ago. As a joke I told him that I had been waiting and he said "Have you really been waiting? I feel bad now"
- "I like your tan. So jealous"
- He's been trying to convince me to go wakeboarding. Some encouraging words "If I can learn how to do it so can you" "I'm not going to laugh at you if that's what you're worried about. I promise I won't" "Every time you fall off I'll carry your board back"
- When I needed to bitch about Taryn instead of him lecturing me or trying to give me advice he said "I totally agree!" even though he didn't know Nic or Taryn but he did know that someone agreeing with me was what I needed.
- One night when we hung out (once we started dating) he felt like he didn't talk to me enough "I was like full neglecting you last night. Hell didn't mean to. Like after we dropped youse off I was thinking to myself I hardly said a word to her all night"
- I was stressing about my OP the night before it came out. I was explaining to Brae that I was stressing cause once I have my OP then I can't deny it and he said "You won't have to deny it. It'll be epic" and "I don't really know why you're worried though. You're amazing"
- When we were working out when I was going to go over there I made him choose what time I was coming over and he chose night time :)
- When he was telling me a secret thing he said "You can't tell anyone. Except maybe the Sarahs as long as they promise not to tell anyone" He understands how things are with me and the Sarahs :)
- Brae was watching a doco on these birds that fluff themselves up and dance to attract mates. He was paying them out and I told him that I always do that to get boys and it's how I got him. To this he answered "Whatever you did, you did it well"
- He was going to come visit me at work the other day. He said coming to see me "would have been worth the walk/wait"
- "Hey babe"
- When I told him that I wasn't getting into Uni he said "What :(? That's fucked. Wow. I don't really know what to say. You were so set on that. I'm sorry" Even though there was absolutely nothing he could do and he didn't say that much, he still made me feel better.
- Brae quotes "Hairchef" "I used to be incest with dolphins" "food room thing"
- "I'm going to come visit you on boxing day. Just throwing it out there"
- I was insulting my sister and showing him halarious photos of her that I found and he said "I'd say something like rats hang around in dirty places but I don't know if that's called for so I'll just quote it" He was worried about hurting my feelings :)
- He told me he's going to try to cheer me up tomorrow :) He also tried to cheer me up tonight by saying "If it makes you feel any better, which I doubt it will, on youtube a guy got crapped on by a horse" It made me feel better :)
- I always explain myself. After explaining myself before he said "You're not on trial. You don't have to explain why"
- We were talking about New Years and when I asked if he had plans he said "My plan is to have some drinks and hopefully see you" :) I'm going to try my hardest to have one of those hell romantic movie kisses just as the clock strikes new year :)
- "That reminds me, whats your home number?"
- "Am I allowed to buy you a present?" "I ran out of ideas when Sarah Jean told me that Gossip Girl season 3 isn't out on dvd yet. FML. Hint hint." He had a whole plan worked out "That totally ruined my plan. I was going to rock up at Rivers, with a huge box, wrapped up and shit, with just a dvd inside. It would have been classic."
- When I stayed at his house I asked him about WOW. He was so embarrassed it was so weird (in a good way) that he cares that much about what I think of him. When someone came on Vent and started talking to him about WOW he was like "Shut up! Shut up! My girlfriends here!" He called me his girlfriend :) Pretty sure I managed to convince him that I didn't mind that he played WOW though :)
- When we hung out at Sarah Jeans he put his arm around me infront of everyone and everthing :) And he held my hand :)
- He put my name in his status :)
Could I have asked for a better boyfriend?
xx
adventures with ron ron
So me and Ron Ron had epic catchups tonight. I love our latenight sessions, we always end up doing something great :)
Tonight he picked me up at 6 and off we went to do his Christmas shopping. Somehow ended up in Kawana, then we were half way to Sister Sarahs house before turning around to go back to Ron Rons to get pavlova that he had made for me and Sister Sarah. Got alcohol and drug tested on the way. Got to Sister Sarahs, ate amazing pavlova and chilled. He's the best.
I've decided Brae is a real sweetie :) I saw today that he has put my name in his MSN name :) Some people might think it's kind of juvinile or whatever but personally I love all that cheezey adolescent stuff :) I mean I never had a boyfriend until this year so I missed out on all that stuff. We're going to the beach tomorrow. Maybe Toddles joining as well. And Ron Ron. But then also maybe Tom. I can see it turning out to be me, Brae and Tom. Holy awkward. I was talking to Ron Ron tonight about Brae and how it's going to be when the boys meet him. I'm stressing that Riess and Tom will like... bring up the whole me and Tom thing up. I'm pretty sure Brae doesn't know about all that and while it would be better that he found out from me rather than them infront of everyone... I don't want to tell him! I have no idea how he's going to react about all of it. And it's going to be so awkward telling him! ARGH! I can ask Tom not to say anything and I think he won't. I've already asked Ron Ron but I don't think he would have anyways. Riess on the other hand is a different matter. If I ask him to not say anything he's just going to do it worse. And I don't feel comfortable enough to just hope that he won't say anything. Which means I'm going to have to tell Brae. Dammit.
Well that won't be tomorrow. Tom's not game enough to say things sober so at least I have until New Years to do it.
Awesome (sarcasm).
xx
Tonight he picked me up at 6 and off we went to do his Christmas shopping. Somehow ended up in Kawana, then we were half way to Sister Sarahs house before turning around to go back to Ron Rons to get pavlova that he had made for me and Sister Sarah. Got alcohol and drug tested on the way. Got to Sister Sarahs, ate amazing pavlova and chilled. He's the best.
I've decided Brae is a real sweetie :) I saw today that he has put my name in his MSN name :) Some people might think it's kind of juvinile or whatever but personally I love all that cheezey adolescent stuff :) I mean I never had a boyfriend until this year so I missed out on all that stuff. We're going to the beach tomorrow. Maybe Toddles joining as well. And Ron Ron. But then also maybe Tom. I can see it turning out to be me, Brae and Tom. Holy awkward. I was talking to Ron Ron tonight about Brae and how it's going to be when the boys meet him. I'm stressing that Riess and Tom will like... bring up the whole me and Tom thing up. I'm pretty sure Brae doesn't know about all that and while it would be better that he found out from me rather than them infront of everyone... I don't want to tell him! I have no idea how he's going to react about all of it. And it's going to be so awkward telling him! ARGH! I can ask Tom not to say anything and I think he won't. I've already asked Ron Ron but I don't think he would have anyways. Riess on the other hand is a different matter. If I ask him to not say anything he's just going to do it worse. And I don't feel comfortable enough to just hope that he won't say anything. Which means I'm going to have to tell Brae. Dammit.
Well that won't be tomorrow. Tom's not game enough to say things sober so at least I have until New Years to do it.
Awesome (sarcasm).
xx
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
one of the best weeks in my life, followed by the worst
Week 1: The Great Week.
Monday Brae came over at like 8 pm cause we were cooking and I was bragging about how good my cooking was. We ate and talked and chilled all night. We were lying on my bed talking and then he started holding my hand :) I gave him a bit of a lead to ask me out by telling him that he was giving me butterflies and that he makes me nervous. Did he take the hint? No. So later on we were talking about eyes. Brae's eyes had changed since schoolies (they were a really blue, blue at schoolies and at my house they were green) so then (and I know this sounds really cheezy) we were lying there staring into each others eyes for ages. It took me so long to work up the courage to ask him out but I finally did it... and he said definetly :) best answer ever! Then he said that he should have asked me out but I told him that this way I win haha :) then we went to sleep cause it was like 4 in the morning.
Tuesday I had to work at 12 so me and Brae hung out in the morning. He walked me to work and kissed me goodbye :) Work was good, Sarah Jean came to visit me when I was on my break. OMG she gave me the best reaction about Brae and me :) It pretty much went "Are you and Brae dating?" from Sarah Jean and when I said yes, she screamed at me, jumped on me and wrapped her legs around me. It was halarious :) The rest of work was pretty good. That night I went to Naomis. It was halarious at hers, we just hung out and caught up it was really good :)
Wednesday Naomis Aunt, Uncle and cousins came up. I made friends with her cousins (they are like six and seven or something). They were the funniest kids and her Aunty and Uncle were really cool. At about midday Murrays best friend Pete came over and they all started drinking. Then I was invited to stay. So we drank with the men :) I was talking about how I was one of the boys in my group and they started hassling me, telling me that I was too little to be one of the boys. When I asked them how I could prove it to them they told me "Drink us under the table." Mission Accepted :) I have to say I did a pretty good job too, they were impressed :) Yepp don't really remember that much of that night. Sarah Jean picked us up to go to Thai with Elke, Steph, Mel and Ron Ron. Thai was pretty good from what I remember of it. Me and Naomi went to buy drinks cause I felt bad that I was drinking all their stuff. We pretended to be Lady GaGa on the way there :) and we stayed dead quiet on the way past the cop shop for no apparent reason. And the spoon... ahahaha :) The car ride home was pretty fun :) and when we got to Naomis London Underground was playing :) Can you see why I love Naomis family? They officially adopted me that night as well :) So many funny things happened at Naomis. Her Aunty with the almonds and the weights :) and Sam dropping the weights on her foot. Pete trying to ride his bike home, Sams dancing. Kailyn told me some... interesting stuff as well. I don't know if I've mentioned this but Naomis family seems to think that shes a slut which is like the complete opposite of what Naomis like. And they say it to her face too. When Naomi got back from Morton Sam asked her "Did you loose anything else at schoolies?" It really hurts Naomi, shes called me up crying and stuff. Then that night Kaitlyn told me that she had random sex with a guy from work. She also made me promise not to tell. But apart from the fact that Naomi is my friend and that I should tell her, if Naomi knew that it would help her defend herself when her Mum and sister attacked next. Oh dear. Anyways once we were all ready to go to bed Naomi started being sick. I have a feeling I got really protective over her and like wouldn't let her parents look after her haha. Man she was so sick, she has the weakest stomach.
Thursday I hung out at Naomis until Kaitlyn dropped me at work :) Poor Naomi, she was so sick :( And again her family were being rude about it. Work was good :) When I finished work I met up with Sarah Jean, Ron Ron and Brent. That was fun too :) Then Sarah Jean got invited to go to Toddles house with me so we went and picked up Brae. Jake was there as well so me, Sarah Jean, Toddles, Brae and Jake hung out. We were chilling in Sarah Jeans room and Brae put his arm around me, infront of everyone and everything :) Then we went to blow shit up. It didn't actually work for whatever reason so we went to the park. Brae held my hand whenever we walked anywhere :) At around 1 we decided that we should go home so the boys walked us back. I love goodbye kisses :) Me and Sarah Jean had epic megorin when we got home, it was amazing :)
Friday I worked which was good. When I finished work I walked past Kamaras work (as I've been doing every time I was at the plaza cause we hadn't seen each other since graduation) and she was there! We had epic hugs and catchups. I ended up sitting behind the counter and chatting with her and Diane. Kamara also taught me till, just for kicks :) Jess Lee came to visit and since it was close to the end of Kamaras shift she waited around with us. We got subway, chilled and then me and Kamara caught the bus to her house to hang out more. It was so good :) Then I went home and just chilled there. I was going to go out but I have another boil thing on my leg like the one I had on my underarm at schoolies and the only thing on was a party ages away so I didn't bother.
Week 2: The Worst Week. Ever.
Saturday Op's came out. After getting my pin and whatnot I found out I got a 13. I don't think I've ever been more dissapointed in myself. I cried for so long. Even thinking about it now I'm on the verge of crying. I have been ever since I saw that number. Mum got up while I was getting ready for work and I wanted to see if she would remember that OPs came out that day. She didn't. When I was kind of being rude to her she got angry at me and told me that I was always angry at her for no reason. Way to improve my mood Mum, can't even tell if I've been crying and am upset. Went to the plaza early cause I had to do Christmas shopping. Let me tell you, it's horrible going Christmas shopping when you're in a shit mood. Everthing seems worse than it already is. There were Christmas carrolers in the plaza and they finished a song with "and thank the Lord Jesus" just as I walked past. I faced them, said "Fuck Jesus" and walked off. Yeah, I was in a scary bad mood. I was at the point where if I had the chance I would have gone around destroying my life, burning every bridge possible. Sarah Jean text me "7!" I really wish I could have been excited for her but there was no way anything else was penetrating my unhappiness that day. Then Sister Sarah called me and as soon as I answered I started crying and told her that I wasn't getting into Uni. She asked where I was and came to get me. It was good telling somebody, kind of. I didn't really cry once she came cause I don't cry in front of people but as soon as she left I started again. Then I had to go into work. Man that was bad. When I got in I went to the back room and Gail was out there on her break. I was pretty upset so I was a bit rude and just kind of put my apron on and left. I got out the front to clock on and Taryn asked me what was wrong. Then I started crying, again *sigh*. Taryn was really nice she said I could go home if I wanted but I told her I wanted to stay, that I needed something to take my mind off it. Dad called while I was at work. He, unlike Mum, remembered what day OPs came out and asked me. That set me off again. But it was actually really cool of him to remember :) All through out that day I was a bit of a wreck. I would be fine for a bit and then something else would hit me, or I would just remember again, have a moment of reflection and then BAM I was in tears again. Mum asked me on the way home from work why I was angry so I told her about my OP. She tried to make me feel good but the way I see it, I don't really deserve to feel better about it cause it's my own fault that I got a bad score. I talked to Brae that night and he actually did make me feel a little bit better.
Sunday Jaqui held a catch up session for the girls :) It would have been really good if, yknow, we hadn't got our OPs the day before so therefore it was pretty much all that any body was talking about. I was considering telling people that I hadn't done the Smart OP just so I could pretend for one more day but I decided not to cause I'm a bad liar. It was good at Jaqui's, just really hard when everyone did really well and were all going into the Uni courses that they wanted to go to. I tried to be enthusiastic for all of them though. Sunday night I went to Kamaras and we went to see the Christmas lights down at the church. That was actually okay. Good by the standards of how I had been feeling. I almost forgot about OPs and Uni and everything. We had an epic sword balloon fight in front of everyone :) Then we went to the park and talked for ages. She cried about Jackson. Fuck I hate him. I hope he stays away for good this time.
Monday me and Sister Sarah went shopping. Once again, an okay day but good by standards. We saw Avatar and I think I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like it. When I got home I got a text from Nick "Hey guys, just letting everyone know I'm moving to Sydney tomorrow morning. If you wanted to come visit I'll be home from six to eightish tonight. xx" I started crying. Again. I couldn't believe it. I actually deluded myself into thinking that he was playing a joke on everyone until I called him. He wasn't kidding. There was no joke. He's gone to Sydney and I didn't get to say goodbye. He's gone and I'm probably never going to see him again. I'm never going to get to cook with him again. I'm never going to have someone I can call anytime I need to get out of the house. I'm never going to get to pretend I'm a paraplegic with him. I'm never going to get to go clubbing with him. I'm never going to be able to go to Chinese with him. I'm never going to know if he approves of Brae. I don't have Nick anymore. For the second time in three days I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. For the second time in three days I've found something that can bring me to tears as soon as I start thinking about it. Fuck, I'm crying now for fucks sake. It was actually a little scary when I was crying about Nick. I couldn't control my breathing at all, I thought I was going to pass out cause I couldn't get enough oxygen in. Once I had cleaned myself up I went to Braes. It was good at his house. It's so weird when I'm with him. The good kind of weird. It's like everything is going to be fine, that nothing is wrong or bad. It's kind of like being in our own little world. Once I was at his house there was no tears and I didn't feel half as bad. I love being around him. He makes things better. Or seem better. Whatever, either way he helped me so much that night.
So here I am. Up a boyfriend and an adopted family. Down a future plan and a best friend. It's hard to know what to feel. It's mainly sadness I think.
I don't even know what I'm meant to do about Uni. Nick was the person I was going to talk it over with cause he's been on both sides of the fence with that kind of stuff.
This is impossible.
Monday Brae came over at like 8 pm cause we were cooking and I was bragging about how good my cooking was. We ate and talked and chilled all night. We were lying on my bed talking and then he started holding my hand :) I gave him a bit of a lead to ask me out by telling him that he was giving me butterflies and that he makes me nervous. Did he take the hint? No. So later on we were talking about eyes. Brae's eyes had changed since schoolies (they were a really blue, blue at schoolies and at my house they were green) so then (and I know this sounds really cheezy) we were lying there staring into each others eyes for ages. It took me so long to work up the courage to ask him out but I finally did it... and he said definetly :) best answer ever! Then he said that he should have asked me out but I told him that this way I win haha :) then we went to sleep cause it was like 4 in the morning.
Tuesday I had to work at 12 so me and Brae hung out in the morning. He walked me to work and kissed me goodbye :) Work was good, Sarah Jean came to visit me when I was on my break. OMG she gave me the best reaction about Brae and me :) It pretty much went "Are you and Brae dating?" from Sarah Jean and when I said yes, she screamed at me, jumped on me and wrapped her legs around me. It was halarious :) The rest of work was pretty good. That night I went to Naomis. It was halarious at hers, we just hung out and caught up it was really good :)
Wednesday Naomis Aunt, Uncle and cousins came up. I made friends with her cousins (they are like six and seven or something). They were the funniest kids and her Aunty and Uncle were really cool. At about midday Murrays best friend Pete came over and they all started drinking. Then I was invited to stay. So we drank with the men :) I was talking about how I was one of the boys in my group and they started hassling me, telling me that I was too little to be one of the boys. When I asked them how I could prove it to them they told me "Drink us under the table." Mission Accepted :) I have to say I did a pretty good job too, they were impressed :) Yepp don't really remember that much of that night. Sarah Jean picked us up to go to Thai with Elke, Steph, Mel and Ron Ron. Thai was pretty good from what I remember of it. Me and Naomi went to buy drinks cause I felt bad that I was drinking all their stuff. We pretended to be Lady GaGa on the way there :) and we stayed dead quiet on the way past the cop shop for no apparent reason. And the spoon... ahahaha :) The car ride home was pretty fun :) and when we got to Naomis London Underground was playing :) Can you see why I love Naomis family? They officially adopted me that night as well :) So many funny things happened at Naomis. Her Aunty with the almonds and the weights :) and Sam dropping the weights on her foot. Pete trying to ride his bike home, Sams dancing. Kailyn told me some... interesting stuff as well. I don't know if I've mentioned this but Naomis family seems to think that shes a slut which is like the complete opposite of what Naomis like. And they say it to her face too. When Naomi got back from Morton Sam asked her "Did you loose anything else at schoolies?" It really hurts Naomi, shes called me up crying and stuff. Then that night Kaitlyn told me that she had random sex with a guy from work. She also made me promise not to tell. But apart from the fact that Naomi is my friend and that I should tell her, if Naomi knew that it would help her defend herself when her Mum and sister attacked next. Oh dear. Anyways once we were all ready to go to bed Naomi started being sick. I have a feeling I got really protective over her and like wouldn't let her parents look after her haha. Man she was so sick, she has the weakest stomach.
Thursday I hung out at Naomis until Kaitlyn dropped me at work :) Poor Naomi, she was so sick :( And again her family were being rude about it. Work was good :) When I finished work I met up with Sarah Jean, Ron Ron and Brent. That was fun too :) Then Sarah Jean got invited to go to Toddles house with me so we went and picked up Brae. Jake was there as well so me, Sarah Jean, Toddles, Brae and Jake hung out. We were chilling in Sarah Jeans room and Brae put his arm around me, infront of everyone and everything :) Then we went to blow shit up. It didn't actually work for whatever reason so we went to the park. Brae held my hand whenever we walked anywhere :) At around 1 we decided that we should go home so the boys walked us back. I love goodbye kisses :) Me and Sarah Jean had epic megorin when we got home, it was amazing :)
Friday I worked which was good. When I finished work I walked past Kamaras work (as I've been doing every time I was at the plaza cause we hadn't seen each other since graduation) and she was there! We had epic hugs and catchups. I ended up sitting behind the counter and chatting with her and Diane. Kamara also taught me till, just for kicks :) Jess Lee came to visit and since it was close to the end of Kamaras shift she waited around with us. We got subway, chilled and then me and Kamara caught the bus to her house to hang out more. It was so good :) Then I went home and just chilled there. I was going to go out but I have another boil thing on my leg like the one I had on my underarm at schoolies and the only thing on was a party ages away so I didn't bother.
Week 2: The Worst Week. Ever.
Saturday Op's came out. After getting my pin and whatnot I found out I got a 13. I don't think I've ever been more dissapointed in myself. I cried for so long. Even thinking about it now I'm on the verge of crying. I have been ever since I saw that number. Mum got up while I was getting ready for work and I wanted to see if she would remember that OPs came out that day. She didn't. When I was kind of being rude to her she got angry at me and told me that I was always angry at her for no reason. Way to improve my mood Mum, can't even tell if I've been crying and am upset. Went to the plaza early cause I had to do Christmas shopping. Let me tell you, it's horrible going Christmas shopping when you're in a shit mood. Everthing seems worse than it already is. There were Christmas carrolers in the plaza and they finished a song with "and thank the Lord Jesus" just as I walked past. I faced them, said "Fuck Jesus" and walked off. Yeah, I was in a scary bad mood. I was at the point where if I had the chance I would have gone around destroying my life, burning every bridge possible. Sarah Jean text me "7!" I really wish I could have been excited for her but there was no way anything else was penetrating my unhappiness that day. Then Sister Sarah called me and as soon as I answered I started crying and told her that I wasn't getting into Uni. She asked where I was and came to get me. It was good telling somebody, kind of. I didn't really cry once she came cause I don't cry in front of people but as soon as she left I started again. Then I had to go into work. Man that was bad. When I got in I went to the back room and Gail was out there on her break. I was pretty upset so I was a bit rude and just kind of put my apron on and left. I got out the front to clock on and Taryn asked me what was wrong. Then I started crying, again *sigh*. Taryn was really nice she said I could go home if I wanted but I told her I wanted to stay, that I needed something to take my mind off it. Dad called while I was at work. He, unlike Mum, remembered what day OPs came out and asked me. That set me off again. But it was actually really cool of him to remember :) All through out that day I was a bit of a wreck. I would be fine for a bit and then something else would hit me, or I would just remember again, have a moment of reflection and then BAM I was in tears again. Mum asked me on the way home from work why I was angry so I told her about my OP. She tried to make me feel good but the way I see it, I don't really deserve to feel better about it cause it's my own fault that I got a bad score. I talked to Brae that night and he actually did make me feel a little bit better.
Sunday Jaqui held a catch up session for the girls :) It would have been really good if, yknow, we hadn't got our OPs the day before so therefore it was pretty much all that any body was talking about. I was considering telling people that I hadn't done the Smart OP just so I could pretend for one more day but I decided not to cause I'm a bad liar. It was good at Jaqui's, just really hard when everyone did really well and were all going into the Uni courses that they wanted to go to. I tried to be enthusiastic for all of them though. Sunday night I went to Kamaras and we went to see the Christmas lights down at the church. That was actually okay. Good by the standards of how I had been feeling. I almost forgot about OPs and Uni and everything. We had an epic sword balloon fight in front of everyone :) Then we went to the park and talked for ages. She cried about Jackson. Fuck I hate him. I hope he stays away for good this time.
Monday me and Sister Sarah went shopping. Once again, an okay day but good by standards. We saw Avatar and I think I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like it. When I got home I got a text from Nick "Hey guys, just letting everyone know I'm moving to Sydney tomorrow morning. If you wanted to come visit I'll be home from six to eightish tonight. xx" I started crying. Again. I couldn't believe it. I actually deluded myself into thinking that he was playing a joke on everyone until I called him. He wasn't kidding. There was no joke. He's gone to Sydney and I didn't get to say goodbye. He's gone and I'm probably never going to see him again. I'm never going to get to cook with him again. I'm never going to have someone I can call anytime I need to get out of the house. I'm never going to get to pretend I'm a paraplegic with him. I'm never going to get to go clubbing with him. I'm never going to be able to go to Chinese with him. I'm never going to know if he approves of Brae. I don't have Nick anymore. For the second time in three days I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. For the second time in three days I've found something that can bring me to tears as soon as I start thinking about it. Fuck, I'm crying now for fucks sake. It was actually a little scary when I was crying about Nick. I couldn't control my breathing at all, I thought I was going to pass out cause I couldn't get enough oxygen in. Once I had cleaned myself up I went to Braes. It was good at his house. It's so weird when I'm with him. The good kind of weird. It's like everything is going to be fine, that nothing is wrong or bad. It's kind of like being in our own little world. Once I was at his house there was no tears and I didn't feel half as bad. I love being around him. He makes things better. Or seem better. Whatever, either way he helped me so much that night.
So here I am. Up a boyfriend and an adopted family. Down a future plan and a best friend. It's hard to know what to feel. It's mainly sadness I think.
I don't even know what I'm meant to do about Uni. Nick was the person I was going to talk it over with cause he's been on both sides of the fence with that kind of stuff.
This is impossible.
Monday, December 14, 2009
woodford
I'm so upset that I'm not going. Did I mention this? Yeah I'm hoping to move out by January 14th so I'm going to need about a grand. Woodford would mean spending roughly $400 and missing one of the busiest weeks of work. So yeah, no Woodford :( I am beyond devestated. And now I'm sitting in my room listening to Paul Dempsey. Not good. And even worse I'm thinking about the weekend. Really not good.
Friday night we went to Marks for drinks. I found out Ron Ron had told Tom about Brae. Then they both realised who Brae was and they weren't impressed. Me and Tom talked about everything and we decided it wasn't awkward :) Ron Ron kept on trying to make it awkward and we just didn't care. Tom talked to me about how he's stressing that next year is going to be a bad year. Ron Ron and Tom have this thing where one of them will have a good year and the other will have a bad year. Two years ago Tom had sex with Tash and many other bad things happened. Ron Ron just had a ball of a year, got laid the most etc. etc. This year Ron Ron got mugged, hasn't had sex in eight months, drunk drove over someone and therefore lost his license and was fired. This year Tom started uni, turned 18, his sex life improved etc. etc. So Tom thinks its his turn next year. He's also found a place to stay when he moves to Brisbane. The boys were being pretty mean about where me and Sarah Jean want to move. She was getting stressed :( Tom spent the entire night trying to convince me to have sex with him. It was kind of nice to be desired like that but I didn't really want to cause of Brae and everything. When we got back to my house Tom claimed a spot on my bed, then eventually Sarah Jean and Ron Ron went to the other room to sleep. Tom was actually really sweet about it he let me think about it and didn't push me. I thought it over and decided it was okay because I'm going to miss being single once I'm in a relationship. It was pretty good :) it was a little weird though cause whenever he looked at me (there isn't enough light to see properly normally) he would get this really awkward look on his face and look away. Is my orgasm face that bad? I don't feel guilty that I did it but I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty if that makes sense?
On Saturday morning I found out that Sarah Jean and Ron Ron had a bet going about whether me and Tom would have sex. Sarah Jean owed Ron Ron a Maccas meal. Work was pretty good, I've started liking Taryn a little more and I was working with Katie and Chloe. Taryn was a tool at the end of the day though she forgot to give us keys to lock up the shop when she left. Tool. That night we went to Marks again for cocktail night :) man that was a drunken night. All I could drink for $15... challenge accepted. Yeah so don't really remember much. Ron Ron was trying to teach me poker. Failed miserably. I got with Tom again but it was just when they were about to go clubbing. Drunken me was undeterred and attempted to blow Tom on the drive way. When everyone was at the bottom of the drive way. I think I just broke the slut scale. Oh well. Then me and Brae were texting. This is how it went.
Me: How do you feel about me?
Brae: Hopefully the same way you feel about me
Me: That's not an answer?!
Brae: You already know I really like you
Me: Like me like that way?
Brae: I'm not sure what way you mean, but I mean in the best possible way
Me: That's still not a proper answer. Which kind of like?
Brae: I don't know how to word it, I wanna say love but I don't wanna get it all wrong and have you stop talking to me
Me: I would never stop talking to you :) loves a pretty powerful word...?
Brae: Like I said, didn't know how to word it
Me: Wow
Brae: What?
Me: I expected you to use the whole I love you... as a friend line
Brae: Did I make a mistake?
Me: No, not at all
Brae: Do I still get to see you tomorrow?
Me: Of course!
Brae: :) that's a relief
Me: Aww don't stress!
Brae: I'm trying not to haha
Me: Well nothing you could say would make me want to avoid you or whatever
So I probably should have reacted better to him telling me he loved me. Fail. And I definetly should have said that I like him back. Epic fail.
Sunday me and Brae were meant to hang out but then he was shitty so he went wakeboarding. Then tonight he talked to me and asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I don't get it?! Boys are so confusing! So yeah we're hopefully hanging out tomorrow. I'm going to ask him out :) gosh I'm so nervous, I feel very... schoolgirl. Also I've decided that I'm not aloud to get more than tipsy if I'm not around Brae. I'm not going to hurt him, I don't care if that means that my weekends have to get quieter. And also it gives me more insentive to get Brae invited to my parties :)
Well I'm going to try to calm down now and go to sleep.
Wish me luck!
xx
Friday night we went to Marks for drinks. I found out Ron Ron had told Tom about Brae. Then they both realised who Brae was and they weren't impressed. Me and Tom talked about everything and we decided it wasn't awkward :) Ron Ron kept on trying to make it awkward and we just didn't care. Tom talked to me about how he's stressing that next year is going to be a bad year. Ron Ron and Tom have this thing where one of them will have a good year and the other will have a bad year. Two years ago Tom had sex with Tash and many other bad things happened. Ron Ron just had a ball of a year, got laid the most etc. etc. This year Ron Ron got mugged, hasn't had sex in eight months, drunk drove over someone and therefore lost his license and was fired. This year Tom started uni, turned 18, his sex life improved etc. etc. So Tom thinks its his turn next year. He's also found a place to stay when he moves to Brisbane. The boys were being pretty mean about where me and Sarah Jean want to move. She was getting stressed :( Tom spent the entire night trying to convince me to have sex with him. It was kind of nice to be desired like that but I didn't really want to cause of Brae and everything. When we got back to my house Tom claimed a spot on my bed, then eventually Sarah Jean and Ron Ron went to the other room to sleep. Tom was actually really sweet about it he let me think about it and didn't push me. I thought it over and decided it was okay because I'm going to miss being single once I'm in a relationship. It was pretty good :) it was a little weird though cause whenever he looked at me (there isn't enough light to see properly normally) he would get this really awkward look on his face and look away. Is my orgasm face that bad? I don't feel guilty that I did it but I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty if that makes sense?
On Saturday morning I found out that Sarah Jean and Ron Ron had a bet going about whether me and Tom would have sex. Sarah Jean owed Ron Ron a Maccas meal. Work was pretty good, I've started liking Taryn a little more and I was working with Katie and Chloe. Taryn was a tool at the end of the day though she forgot to give us keys to lock up the shop when she left. Tool. That night we went to Marks again for cocktail night :) man that was a drunken night. All I could drink for $15... challenge accepted. Yeah so don't really remember much. Ron Ron was trying to teach me poker. Failed miserably. I got with Tom again but it was just when they were about to go clubbing. Drunken me was undeterred and attempted to blow Tom on the drive way. When everyone was at the bottom of the drive way. I think I just broke the slut scale. Oh well. Then me and Brae were texting. This is how it went.
Me: How do you feel about me?
Brae: Hopefully the same way you feel about me
Me: That's not an answer?!
Brae: You already know I really like you
Me: Like me like that way?
Brae: I'm not sure what way you mean, but I mean in the best possible way
Me: That's still not a proper answer. Which kind of like?
Brae: I don't know how to word it, I wanna say love but I don't wanna get it all wrong and have you stop talking to me
Me: I would never stop talking to you :) loves a pretty powerful word...?
Brae: Like I said, didn't know how to word it
Me: Wow
Brae: What?
Me: I expected you to use the whole I love you... as a friend line
Brae: Did I make a mistake?
Me: No, not at all
Brae: Do I still get to see you tomorrow?
Me: Of course!
Brae: :) that's a relief
Me: Aww don't stress!
Brae: I'm trying not to haha
Me: Well nothing you could say would make me want to avoid you or whatever
So I probably should have reacted better to him telling me he loved me. Fail. And I definetly should have said that I like him back. Epic fail.
Sunday me and Brae were meant to hang out but then he was shitty so he went wakeboarding. Then tonight he talked to me and asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I don't get it?! Boys are so confusing! So yeah we're hopefully hanging out tomorrow. I'm going to ask him out :) gosh I'm so nervous, I feel very... schoolgirl. Also I've decided that I'm not aloud to get more than tipsy if I'm not around Brae. I'm not going to hurt him, I don't care if that means that my weekends have to get quieter. And also it gives me more insentive to get Brae invited to my parties :)
Well I'm going to try to calm down now and go to sleep.
Wish me luck!
xx
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