Tuesday, November 10, 2009

shes a maniac

no, really.
i cant remember if ive mentioned this but i have o.c.d (or obsessive compulsive disorder). its a really mild case and doesnt usually affect my day-to-day life too much. today i had the first bad day i have had in a while and im going to write as much of it as i can down so that next time this happens i can look back and see warning signs and how i solved it.

it started off this morning. i dont know exactly what set it off this time, it just happened. i was telling grace my plans for the next couple of weeks and when i got to the graduation part i started tearing up. i dont cry in front of people so this is strange. then i got to drama and the class realised it would be our last ever drama class and then i almost cried again. and i got in trouble for things that are my fault and again almost started crying. all through today i was either on the verge of crying or i was emotionally void. then we had our last ever parade (no tears there) and we got the talk on safe schoolies and such. sudden boom of emotions, good emotions. excitement and whatnot. spent last session taking photos but not being sad. i got home and went to have my nanna nap as per usual. i then woke up and from about 4 pm yesterday afternooon until 2:26 am this morning i havent stopped cleaning. i never clean. in fact on of my o.c.d traits is not being comfortable in a really clean room. mum mentioned something about how i normally cant handle being in an excessively tidy room and i said "yeah i cant" so she asked why i was excessively cleaning my room and i replied "because it has to be clean" i had no sense, no reason, it just had to be. so today i did all my washing, i picked everything up off the floor, i moved my wardrobe around, i cleaned out my wardrobe, i season and colour coded my entire wardrobe, i folded and re-folded everything, i went through every draw and shelf to put things with other similiar things, tidied my desk, put my shoes in order of most worn to least worn, i dusted, i put my hats and bags all together and my bags in order of most used to least used and sepparated my jewelry. im even at the point where i want to vacuum regardless of the ridiculous time.
all through last night i would stop cleaning and go and try to interact with my family or watch tv but nothing could take my mind off my room. i was manic and i had no say in what i was doing. if i sat still then my heart would beat faster and my stomach would churn. my mind was all over the shop and i found it very hard to maintain coversation. i would also be constantly fidgetting and picking at my face and body. i have also cried alot, in front of my mum too.
i think its all been caused by the magnitude of everything thats about to happen. i think it just hit me harder today than usual. while its big and exciting and new and fantastic and ill be gaining so much ill also be loosing so much of what makes me me. its just a big step and today i felt inadequate. i dont know why im hoping its just a horemonal thing.
so how did i feel better? nick text me out of the blue and we started talking. im pretty sure he saved me. im scared to think of what i might of done if i was left to my own devices without anything else to clean. ive calmed down since talking to him which i think came a bit from talking about it and a bit from not wanting to seem like a freak. ohh and also a bit from him thinking that season and colour-coding my wardrobe was cool :) but the only reason i could only talk to nick was because i was mostly through cleaning my room then so i had enough space in my head to keep the conversation going.
now im going to try to sleep even though i desperately want to vacuum.

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