i... i.... i... im sorry

boy do i know how to ruin friendships.
i should write a book or something.

so tuesday other sarah called and informed me we were going to the beach so i got ready and she picked me up. we met up with nick and sam and chilled in m'ba. then ron ron came and we got hot chips :) then we went back to the beach then dylan turned up. then tom turned up. and yea it was really fun :) we spent lots of time reminiscing on spit party days and ron ron had plenty of stories for us :) i do love our boys :) ron ron was so good, he didnt make jokes about me and tom all day then as me and other sarah are hugging them goodbye and sam bites tom. so aaron says "bec you bit tom on the weekend" good job ron ron.
so yeah i went home, got ready, went to other sarahs, chilled, picked up callum then went to mels. we hung out in her room, then went to the granny flat once mels mum got home. the people that we there were mel, jess, hannah, abe, sam, soph, woodford hannah, callum, ron ron, tom, nick, sam, dylan, other sarah and me. good group.
i was good with tom to start with, probably cause i hadnt drunk much. good and friendly. then i drank more. so i decided to go up to tom and say "i love how casual we are" his response was "okay" that should have made things clear enough but no, not to me. well not to drunk me. i went over to nick later and said "can i ask you something and you wont tell tom?" he said "yep" so i asked "do you think that tom would hook up with me now?" his response was "i dont think so cause the parties hell separated and if you guys kissed then everyone would just stare at you" so i just danced some more. then tom hugged me and said "im going byee" and it took me until he was already in the car to realise that he left so i called him to double check. i ddnt say anything special in the phone call but then i text him and there was some... special moments there to say the least. the first one was "could i come back to yours? ;) xx" and he text back "nah sorry. i dont feel great and i dont want to get you sick" so i said "i dont care about getting sick! and i can do stuff this week! xx" gosh im subtle. but wait it gets better. tom doesnt reply to this one. so i send "please?! sex?! xx" i so wish i could have seen toms face when he got that text. it would have been priceless. he replied to this one "just give me a sec im sorting stuff out" to which i said "k well i want to be with xoxoxo" im the queen of subtle :)
a while later nick comes up to me and says "toms outside he wants to talk" so i go down mels driveway to where tom is, fully thinking hes come to take me to his house. he starts off with "we need to talk" which immediately makes me realise im not staying at his tonight. well at least i realised then. parts of the conversation are fuzzy but i remember some parts. i suggested we be "friendly" and he was like "what do you mean by friendly" and i showed him what i meant by kissing him. then he basically said that we couldnt be casual cause id get too attached, then id get hurt and our friendship would be ruined. and when i said that i wouldnt get too attached, that i can handle myself, that im a big girl (figuratively speaking) he asked "if we were at a party together and i hooked up with another girl would you get cut?" and i said "nope" and he shook his head and was like "yes you would" so yeah then he basically said bye and left. when i got back inside i text him and said "its pretty rude of you to say that after friday night xx" and "i can handle being with you. be with me? friends with benefits? xx" and "tom i can handle it please come pick me up? if i ever feel like i like you too much id tell you to stop xx" he finally replied to that one saying "i need some time to think. just give me some time" i was pretty mild after that "okay xx" then i started crying so i went to a bed and passed out.
so yes thats one friendship ruined. onto the next.
i wake up at some point and sam and soph have joined me in the bed. me and sam are cuddling cause there just isnt room on the bed to not. then me and sam kiss. wtf. we continue to kiss and his hand ends up down my pants. wtf. then i realise what im doing and stop. then he goes into the house, tells mel hes walking home, mel drives him home and comes back. i made him leave the house! friendship two ruined.
ohh and sam and sister sarah used to date. friendship three ruined.

my book will be out early next year.

i chilled with nutter today. we made banana choc-chip muffins and they were actually pretty good :) and we looked after milan which is always great. we talked heaps and just caught up, it was nice :) she was quite impressed with my tom messages as well :)

i got given heaps of shifts today. im working 25.5 hours in 4 days. and one of them is a sunday shift :) and tomorrow i get paid around $240 and after this week ill get paid like $300. its genius :)

me and sarah have a theory about the tom situation that makes me feel a little bit better. on friday she was talking to reiss and he said that tom really wants to date me and he would have asked me out by now if it wasnt for uni and everything so maybe hes scared that hes going to get too attached to me, not me too attached to him. while on one hand this is better cause then maybe we could date if i wear him down enough :) but at the same time its bad cause it must have been so frustrating getting those texts from me last night and just being around me when im drunk in general.

i got home and me and mum fought. over taking the friggen rubbish out. gahhh definitely too tired to upload the photos from last night, i shall do it tomorrow.

xx