everything just seems stupid now

i still cant believe it.
mum hasnt started looking for jobs yet.
im so lost.
and i hate it that during my entire shift on friday alls i was doing was just stressing about how i embarrassed myself in front of tom.
rather insignificant now, huh?

i guess i should blog about my weekend since it was eventful.
even though its so trivial compared to everything.
oh well i think i need trivial.
trivial is boring. trivial is average. trivial is normal.
i need normal.

so work on friday was good. i almost cried at one point cause of jess leaving and all but i held it in :)
then in the car with shit news.
then to starwars night :) it was so good to see sister sarah cause i havent seen her in forever. i pretty much got there, said "sarah-sarah-bec time?" and went to sister sarahs room. as soon as i told them i started crying which is amazing in its self cause i havent cried in front of someone in years. like i actually cant remember the last time i couldnt hold my tears in until i was on my own. they were so lovely, all cuddles and nice words :) and sister sarah said i always have a home at her house but i could never live there, knowing how much they are struggling and all. then we went to the kitchen to say hi to everyone. there was ron ron, reiss, nick, sam, olivia, oporto bec, brent and jamie there. turns out all sister sarahs movie friends (who decided sister sarah needed to see the star wars) all bailed. omg when i was at work on friday i got a text from sister sarah saying "you didnt invite oporto bec to starwars night did you?" turns out that she invited herself and olivia (not that we mind olivia coming) to starwars night and told the sarahs that i invited her! god i hate her! i was like "wtf i dont even talk to her!!!" haha it was so funny when i went to say hi to everyone aaron, reiss, bec and olivia were sitting on the couch so i came over and aarons said "ohhhh feel the tension" and i was "what?" thinking maybe he meant about bec saying i invited her. then reiss goes "yes! bitch fight! now!" and i was like "what?" again. then aaron says "tom" ahhhhh now i understand. bec has these fucked up ideas in her head that she is "close" with heaps of different boys. including tom. and it was aaron a couple of weeks ago. its probably been reiss as well at some point. she told people that her and aaron were dating a couple of weeks ago. and he went completely off at her. then last week she said to someone "yeah things with me and aaron are over but me and tom have been getting really close" yepp so close you guys havent seen each other for 2 months. shes so stupid. and its not like im jealous cause i know that tom would never touch her. the boys hate her so much. i dont get why she invited herself cause she gets so much shit from them, she has to realise that they hate her, but she still put herself in the situation. and boy did the guys give her shit :) she has really hairy arms and like a moustache that she doesnt wax so thats was the boys main focus. we're all sitting in the room and aaron and reiss start having a quite conversation. everyone could only hear bits of it but they were talking about kissing then becs names mentioned. and shes like "what?" and aaron looks her dead in the eyes and says "ohh me and reiss were just wondering what it feels like to kiss someone that doesnt have facial hair" so she death stared him. so reiss says "well sam knows what its like. and tom knows what its like. and brent knows what its like. and nick knows what its like" then gave her the biggest grin before pissing himself laughing. so glad i was sitting behind her, i couldnt keep a straight face. then on a movie we were watching the person told a girl that she peaked in high school and reiss says "better than not peaking at all" and points at bec from behind. and many many more jokes. sister sarah cooked the best chicken even it was amazing :) and we had a shit ton of lollies. tom came with harry and picked up reiss and aaron to go meet some girls. we actually watched the first star wars im proud to say. well not the first one the fourth one but its the first one kinda? if you get what i mean? i have a confession... i actually kind of liked it. i dont even have a smiley to show the look on my face. then the boys came back and we chilled some more. i was so happy cause it wasnt awkward with tom at all :) haha the first thing he said to me was "would you like to see the messages you were sending me the other night?" then we watched just friends which was good. then we started watching anchor man but i was really tired so i wasnt really watching it. me and tom sat next to each other the entire night. it was so hard to concentrate. eventually everyone but me and the sarahs left. so we went to bed.
saturday i got up, got ready for work, caught the bus to work and worked. i was working with jess again :) shes my favourite :) im going to miss her so much :( me, katie and matt breaked together and it was so much fun :) and katies boyfriend allan joined us too :) the day dragged so much though, alls i wanted was to get to our going away party for the jesses. 5:30 finally came around so me and nic left cause she offered to take me to sashas. ive officially decided that nic is the coolest older person ever. i decided this on the car ride to her house. okay first off: her car. its amazing. nissian ss i think. ss something anyways. and its amazing and a v8 and super flashy with heaps of gadgets. then she puts her ipod on. first song that comes on: elevator - flo rida. second song: get low - flo rida. third song: boom boom pow - bep. yepp exactly. and she knew the words to all of them :) then we're going along the highway and nic says "ohhh im going a bit fast" so i ask how fast she was going "140" was her answer. all casual like. yepp deffinetly the coolest adult i know. so we got to hers and i chilled with greg while nic was getting ready. hes so great. hes gonna make such a good daddy. him and nic are like sickeningly cute together. like "we're so fairytale it makes people sick" greg thought i was over 18 :D
then we went to sashas. lots of fun in the car again :) then to sashas house and OH-EM-GEE her house is amazing. so beautiful. kaite, allan, matt, megan, brad, jess f, jess g, brad, nic, greg, sasha, scott, jenny, mick, sarian, sandy and brad were there. it was really cool to meet scotty, he fitted in really well. i drank two of my drinks then some of brads sam booker (dont know how its spelt?) then sashas 12 year old sister made me some of the meanest cocktails ive ever had. i couldnt even taste the alcohol in them, so i just kept on drinking them. which probably explains a lot haha :) i dont really remember that much... at all. i know i yelled alot. and i danced to the time warp with sash, nic and jess f. and spilling jennys drink. and asking brad if the cocktail he got made was good, found out it was and drank all of it :) and getting proposed to by sarian :) thats everything that i remember. everything. and me and brad kissed. im not sure when or where but apparently jess f saw us. im really hoping nobody else did. im shit scared cause if someone else did then we're going to get in so much trouble. we slept in the same bed as well but nothing happened.
this morning i got up and chilled with everyone before going to work. i was meant to be at work at 10 but i forgot that sash starts at 10:30 on sundays so i ended up getting to work at 10:30. work was pretty bad. like i wasnt feeling too sick or anything but i was just so bored. and we were doing stocktake prep which is just horrible. then home.
me and nick are playing msn games. its rather fun. we forgot how to play guess who for ages :)
and its casual monday tomorrow :) im rather excited.
the sarahs came over for a little minute before to drop off money that sarah owed me. they were very dissapointed in me and brad kissed.
which is why i didnt tell them that i think i like love brad again.
shit.
xx