im the captain of this ship and i say we head for that reef

i am self-destructive.

today i woke up and i actually felt physically sick from the whole brad debacle. i got ready for school (for further, less self-pitying information on how school went, skip to the bottom) and when our bus finally got there i told nutter almost straight away that brad had a date on saturday night. in front of whoever could hear. mistake one. then in my spare i talked to zack, who is friends with nails and also knows brad, about the whole situation. while i was only telling him cause i had no one else to tell, i should have just waited. mistake two. then in film me and zack talked more about brad where i actually voiced that if he has cheated on me then im going to dump him. mistake three. and we didnt talk quietly, we yelled to each other from other sides of the room. mistake four. then on the bus home i told kiwi zack (who is friends with nails) about the brad thing and the breaking up thing. mistakes five and six. once i got on myspace i changed my status about every hour, making sure it had some subtle reference to the whole everything. they slowly got less and less subtle until i wrote this "i thought it was a love story but you dont want to get involved. i thought it was a love story but you're not ready for that." and my mood was "me neither" mistake seven. but at least i had a smiley-face for my emoticon. and its a funny song so my thought was that if brad read something into it thats what i would say. then jack commented me saying "boy problems?" and i actually told him my problems!!! mistake eight. then he said sweet stuff about how if he would cheat on me then he doesnt deserve me but he still hoped that we worked it out. after a couple more messages this happened:
jack - well at least if you and your bf do end it, we could catch up on old times without feeling bad :)
me - sounds like a plan :) even if me and him dont end it we could still catch up but like just catching up... if you get what i mean cause i hope im semi kind of making sense?
jack - yea i think you mean like if you dont break up... we can catch up but not get sexual. and if you do break up with him then we can catch up... and dont have to get sexual but the opportunity is open. is that what you mean?
me - haha exactly. i didnt wanna say it like that in case it sounded trashy or something :)
jack - how does that sound trashy :S. would you want to do anything if you didnt have a boyfriend? :)
me - haha lets see how things go :)
mistake nine.
then brad finally came online. and we talked. i was basically trying to ask him questions that either A. would lead to him admitting he went on a date on saturday night or B. finding out that he just hung out with someone on saturday night. i started with "get up to anything on the weekend?" no luck there so i tried to bring up that he suddenly signed off the net on saturday, leaving me "you ditched me on the net on saturday night!!! gosh haha" then he said "what? saturday night?" and i said "yeah we were talking then you suddenly signed off" and he said "ohhh sorry babe i dont even remember" then i gave up. then we went back to talking, planned to go to the beach on wednesday and i flirted with him. mistake ten.
FYI bec, if you're planning to break up with someone dont flirt with them. mixed signals suck.
and its so frustrating cause now hes suddenly being all nice and boyfriendy again. and i wanted to break up with him while he was being shit so i wasnt doing it while he was being amazing. now im thinking i should wait but i dont want to have to have to stand around while he becomes shit again and then break up with him. i was all geared-up to do it this wednesday and now everything is complicated.
i hate complicated. i want simple.

enough of my whinging. its all my fault anyways.

so first day of semester one, term, year 12 today.
i got ready on time, which i was rather stoaked with myself for. then the school bus was like 20 minutes last (grrrrrrr) so we got to school late. i had a spare first so i chatted to zack in the library until mrs halfman kicked me out cause i was distracting him. whore. so i went and found hume, borrowed the film room keys and got our notes off the board. then i was out of things to do since none of my teachers were there so i wrote a note of what i would like to say to brad if he has cheated on me. then i saw david for about a second then it was off to 2nd session.
drama. good to be back. i bitched to naomi about brad while we wrote out the notes we had missed (she left school early on friday cause of a migraine) and then me, her and alex were in group for a brecht thingo. we had to make a presentation that went for a minute max that was around a slogan that was created from information we read about poverty in third-world countries. and we had to use brechtian techniques. we came up with two slogans, "we care!!!!" and "sucks to be you" but after consideration we chose the first one :) then we had an acrostic poem that alex read while me and naomi acted it out.
W - water that is dirty
E - electricity

C - children
A - AIDS
R - regularly skipping meals
E - exclusive

then we jumped into a news report where i was the camera man and camera, naomi was the line cue and alex was the news reader. after reading a few quotes we sung the news theme while getting a piece of paper each that had WE (me) CARE (alex) !!!! (naomi)
i was also meant to find out my marks from last term but i forgot.
then lunch where me sarah chilled and chatted about breaking up with brad. went to the tuckshop to get soft food. we went to see scotty but he wasnt with his group. we went back to our group and then the other sarah joined us so we went to the tuckshop again. then we chatted about saturday night for sarah. she went with the mountain creek boys to maxes party that me and the other sarah were invited to but couldnt go to. she got very blind and flirted with both camille and luke and when luke kissed her camille got all quiet and cut. so sarah feels bad. another stupid thing on my behalf is that i actually felt jealous!!! what the hell!!! i cant feel jealous i helped get them together!! and i have no claim to him cause i have a boyfriend and cause i didnt mention that i semi have feelings for luke. stupid stupid bec. but i didnt let it show im pretty sure.
3rd was film which i almost fell asleep in that many times. im not sure but i think its the freezing aircon in the film room that always makes me drowsy. was pretty much a non-event.
4th was form, which was almost always have parade in, like today. along with all the boring administration stuff most weeks we have people from different professions come and talk to us about their job, how they got into it, the ups and downs and everything else they can think of. usually its pretty bad cause our school (being a public school) has the impression that most of us arent going to uni so we have plumbers, receptionists, car salesmen etc. most weeks. this week was actually decent cause we had a lady talk to us from USC, telling us about the uni, the courses, how its different to high school, living on campus, deferring and everything else. when it was question time people that asked good questions got a stress ball so after racking my brains for a bit i found one, asked it and got a ball :) yay! when the parade was over i picked up a booklet with undergraduate courses and a booklet about financial help for uni. so yes it was actually worth going to form for once :) then i went to my form class (legal) for the last 10 minutes of the lesson and chatted to my teacher about stuff id missed, how i was feeling and what i got for my legal exam last term. B/B+ yewwwwww.
then little break, tuckshop again. sarah mentioned that she thinks that me, sarah and sarah are becoming distant from the group. i think shes probably right and i know this makes me sound like the biggest bitch in the world but i cant think on how to fix that when ive got everything else on my mind at the moment. hopefully after wednesday things will slow down and i can have a good think.
then english and it was actually really good compared to how english normally is. i had to go get a book from the textbook resource centre cause we need to read a novel for our assessment this term. nutter told the teacher she had to go to the bathroom and she came with me. i left the room first and cause i was talking to nutter as i was walking out the door i didnt see the chair in front of me until i completely ran into it and majorly stacked it. brock saw it and laughed at me :) so i laughed and actually wasnt the slightest bit embarrassed :) which is fantastic. me and nut went and got my book. i had to get this shit book, the crucible, cause it was either that or the tru-man show that was left. we went back to class and i spent the rest of the lesson laughing with nutter which was pissing off zack and probably everyone else in the room, reading the undergraduate courses booklet, talking with sarah each time mrs oconnor left the room and laughing eveytime that mrs oconnor came back in the room cause shed tell sarah off for talking but she didnt tell me off even once.
then the bus ride home i sat with kiwi zack and chatted with him, aimee and morghan. twas good fun. i love busses :)
when me and grace got home we got changed and went bed shopping with mum. i found the nicest, comfiest bed but grace didnt like any that we could afford :( mum wants to buy them at the same time so im not getting my bed any time soon :(:(
and then i just came home and got on the net where the myspace happenings mentioned above occurred.

well its 12:03 AM and ive got to be up at 5:30 AM so ill leave it there
night blog xx