heres how my day went...

i got into work.
worked for half an hour with sash then jess started.
worked up the front with jess.
sash came up to the front.
sash "guess what?"
me and jess "what?"
sash "brad had a date last night"
jess "what???"
sash "yeah cause we worked together yesterday and when he finished he said i have a hot date tonight. and i said really and he said yea with a really pretty girl."
me "really?"
sash "yea he was really cute, he was like nervous, like first date jitters"
and right about there my heart broke.

jess, bent, sarah, danni, maddie and the other sarah all tried to make me feel good.
i still feel shit.
and i wanted to talk to him to ask him how last night went. but hes out at the surf club so we cant talk.
fuck men.
fuck people.
fuck everything.

and while i know that i cheated on him i resisted it, i was drunk and i told him to his face.
brad however wanted to cheat on me, he planned to cheat on me and he didnt tell me.
fuck brad.

and now im stuck wondering if this was the first time or if there were other dates, other girls. if everytime we couldnt meet up was it cause he was with another girl. if he talked about me to the other girl/s. if the reason why he was so fine with me cheating on him was cause he was cheating on me. and if he felt bad about it.
and i really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. but its not like theres much to his side. and this way if he has cheated on me no more illusions are being shattered.

thats been whats in my head for the past ohhh roughly 10 hours.
i hate everything.